The past few days I have been standing at a crossroad metaphorically. To my left, the horizon down the road is filled with vicious black storm clouds and flashes of lightning. To my right, the horizon is filled with beautiful clouds and sunny blue skies.
I know the road to take. My rational mind is fully aware of the consequences of walking down that dark road filled with rain, lightning, and danger. The addictive part of my personality is not so rational though.
I don’t know if it is because football season has started or if it is just a phase, but I have been obsessing over having a few beers lately. I can’t have just a “few” beers though. I drink one or two and the number soon grows to eighteen or twenty. I will find myself passed out in the bed having pissed all over myself most likely.
They don’t sell alcohol here on Sundays (Bible belt) so I would have to drive an hour to another town that has a college to buy it. I actually got in the car and sat for a few moments contemplating starting the journey. I then drove down to the Piggly Wiggly and spent the rest of my cash on groceries so I wouldn’t be tempted for the rest of the day. At least I have plenty of good food to eat now. I bought lots of comfort foods that bring me solace.
It is times like these I must reflect on my homeless days. I must admit the sad fact that I was a mentally ill, homeless alcoholic. I would go for days without eating as alcohol took precedence. I would sit out in the freezing cold drinking one tepid beer after another. I would pass out in my sleeping bag to awake in the middle of night feeling cold, scared, hung over, and terrible. I don’t want to re-live that nightmare. I don’t want to walk down that dark road filled with pain and anguish.
Just by writing this, I started to walk down that sunny path filled with bright blue skies and a promising future.
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