Waking Dreams and Ghosting

I know I never talk much about my mental illness on this blog. Quite frankly, it embarrasses me and there is so much stigma surrounding schizophrenia. For most people, axe murderers come to mind and violent and dangerous individuals. My father has remarked that he had seen a movie about a mentally ill women and she killed her whole family. He thought I would do the same to my family during a bad spell. That is a terrible burden to bear when you think someone you love so dearly would think such things of you. I have never been violent and my episodes are benign for the most part. I wanted to write today to give a clearer picture of why my father wants me committed.

I experience what I call “waking dreams” and “ghosting.” The ghosting is where I see almost fluorescent looking animals (mainly cats) laying about the house. It looks like the glow of a television after the channel has quit broadcasting for the day. Do you remember what Princess Leia looked like in Star Wars when that holographic picture of her was played by R2D2 and she said, “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you are our only hope?” That is what these cats look like. This happens more often if I am under a lot of stress as of lately. The animals are always peaceful and just lazily lying around the house. It used to really disturb me, but I have grown used to it. It is much better these days with my new dosage of Risperdal.

I also experience what I term “waking dreams.” I had an especially vivid encounter with this last night. As I was sitting here at the computer, I drifted off into this dream state. It is increadably vivid and real. I can remember all the sights, smells, and sounds from these waking dreams to the point that I honestly felt I experienced them. They are much more vivid and real than your average dream. I can remember every detail of the experience.

Last night’s was a rather long waking dream. I was living in a homeless shelter in Palm Coast Florida and trying to persuade everyone that I was actually homeless to give you the short of it. The dream then shifted to me and my family being at a Tulane vs. Mississippi State football game. I and my father had a huge argument on the sidelines. I told him I wanted to be treated as an adult and to be left alone. The dream ended with my mother driving us home after a short auction of game memorabilia in which my father bought some things. I came to and almost two hours had passed.

For the longest time, I also experienced extreme paranoia over talking on the phone. I also thought my neighbors were watching my every move through their windows. Those are the most hurtful and aggravating of symptoms as the fear is so palpable. I am glad those symptoms have passed much lately.

Well, that is the long and short of it. Maybe that will give you an idea of what I experience with this illness and see why my father is so concerned for my well being. One of the main reasons I like to drink is that it calms these symptoms and they are lessened. I guess you could say I am self medicating.