A cool morning greeted us in contrast to the heat a southern summer's day would soon bring. I ended up having a lot of company last night. It was if my family could sense something was amiss. Dad showed up at nine with my medications. It was his birthday and I greeted him with a card and Red Lobster gift certificate. Mom soon showed up later just to sit with me and Rosa for a few hours. Rosa fell asleep on my shoulder as mom watched Murder She Wrote on the television. I thought she would never leave as I was miserably sleepy. I was glad she came, though.
Midnight found me and Rosa in the bed. Rosa kept complaining about my radio being on. It is an old habit that will die hard. I can't sleep without some noise in the background. I lay in the bed as the radio softly droned and Rosa and Maggie snored. It was rather comforting to hear them all curled up with me making such noise. They are my family and I cherish them.
I found another blog yesterday surfing Blog Explosion and it was about anxiety and panic attacks. The symptoms described were uncannily like my own I have been experiencing every night this week. These symptoms have been urging me to flee thus my fixation on homelessness. Maybe it hasn't been my schizophrenia after all, and just simple anxiety. It certainly would explain how I have been feeling. Diagnosing mental illness is such a frustrating bout of trial and error.
My blogging friend, Lisa, is experiencing a blogging malaise lately. I can understand her frustration with blogging at times. I had over 5000 visitors yesterday with only a small handful of comments. If you get a chance, stop by Ladybug Hill and give her a word of support. She would appreciate it and she shares her world with a wonderful alacrity of words.
11 comments:
Hang in there, Andrew. Your relationship with Rosa is changing and that's a bit scary... anytime we experience change there's an unrest that accompanies it... I think you're just feeling that unrest. I can't imagine what it's like to live with schizophrenia but I do know what it's like just to live... sometimes I want to run, too, but I have obligations to myself and the people in my life, so I stay put and ride the wanderlust and watch the sunrise the next morning. You can do that, too. Take good care.
i also am thinking that you may be running from rosa at the same time you dont want her to leave you . it is a hard decision to make , to have someone move in with you no matter how much y ou may want it. you do lose a certain freedom, such as having you radio on all nite if you so desire, so hence the wanting to run away , but still loving her in your life and your bed at nite . its a complicated thing, life . but hang in there you are doing better than a lot of us are :) take care
I woke up to a breezy, humid and very warm morning. The umbrellas are up on the beach and ready to shelter us for the day. Our last day.
I wonder what your day will be like. I wish you a peaceful one.
I understand your friend's frustration. I am one who likes to comment, but there are some blogs I just enjoy reading, for the pleasure.
Like yours.
So, I popped over and I think she is a peach. I wish the both of you a great day!
Andrew,
I've been lurking on your website for a week or so, and really appreciate your honesty and comments. I check in daily, and enjoy reading your posts. While I have no experience with your life issues, I do have depression issues and my husband and daughter deal with OCD, and can sypmathize with your problems. Good luck with your situation, and I'll be checking on you.
ya-know Andrew, I've pondered your problem. Your's is one of my most favorite blogs but I've commented only once before. So I asked myself why.
I think it's because there seems to be a great audience out there already and that always intimidates people. I don't want to be perceived as invading space or "why is this new guy talking." But, as a blog owner myself I realize what I treasure most is feedback.
I will not be remiss in the future to drop in my 2 cents. Keep an even keel my friend.
I haven't been here for a few days. Listen to everyone who cares about you. Take your meds, not doing them is the worst thing you can do. The mood swings that are nothing to other folks can be devastating to you. I just want you to be OK. I don't really know what I am talking about.
Andrew - Thanks so much for mentioning my blog in your post here. It was such a surprise to see it! I really do appreciate it more than you know.
I want you to know that I also suffer from panic and anxiety. It can be so frustrating sometimes when that itch to get out or the fear of getting out comes over you. I'll keep you in my thoughts because I know how hard it is to deal with.
Again - Thanks for the "plug"
Lisa
You know, I've told people in my life of the similarities between YOU and me.. they laugh at me and basically treat me like I'm joking. I'm not. When you mentioned needed to leave, wanting to just go away, be homeless, it reminded me of myself. Anytime something changes in my life (like you and Rosa's relationship) I get those feelings. Just the other day I found a friend online that I hadn't talked to in over ten years. I had those same feelings and I have no clue why. I mean, WHY? Why on earth do I feel the need to escape when I've found a friend? It doesn't make sense to me.. maybe it's just the way I have to cope with my life changing. Please just stick with Rosa, she'll hold you together.
I am on vacation this week and read your blog first thing in the morning and find myself checking in through out the day.
I enjoy your style of writing and I am getting hooked on your blog like a favorite TV show. But it is your LIFE! I admire your honesty, like many of your readers, and your courage to share so much of yourself.
Be well.
5000 Hmmmmmm can't be a typo by any chance? Gotta be doing summit right ya think! :))
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