My neighbor’s cat has become a frequent addition to my home. I have a big bundle of feline themed matter in my lap as I write this. My apartment has become a way station of sorts on his daily rounds to mark his territory. The name on the tag attached to his collar is “Rancho” and beneath it is a phone number. As I smoke my pipe outdoors, he frequently stops by and paws at the door to gain entrance and to get warm. Tonight I was feeling frivolous and he had the good fortune of eating a gourmet can of tuna in olive oil. I was saving that can for a special tuna salad recipe. I am such a pussy when it comes to pets and animals. That can cost me $2.25 and much above just your standard tuna in vegetable oil. Oh well, a friend in need is a friend indeed as the saying goes. He is returning the favor by vigorously “making biscuits” (feigning nursing) on my fleece pull over as we speak whilst sitting in my lap. His purring breath reeks of tuna.
Now onto a post I wanted to write tonight; a humorous and romantic (in a guy way) post about my first Christmas with my ex-wife. I am trying to be positive and not dwell on the bad times. Here is that post:
I had spent all afternoon stringing the lights upon our mock pear tree in the front yard. It was Christmas Eve but I had been on the road for weeks and was just now getting to this. If I saw Key West one more time I would scream and was glad to be out of that big rig. I was glad to be off the road and the drudgery of driving hundreds of miles everyday. Rachel walked out into the yard to view my progress.
“It looks good doll. Thank you for doing this. I know you are tired.” She said.
“I couldn’t let the neighbors out do us could I?” I said and laughed. “The lights can stay up till new years.”
Rachel leaned over in the yard to pick up something and broke some wind. I caught this little discrepancy. My eyes lit up and a smile grew on my face.
“Did you just fart?” I asked.
We had been married three months and it was the first time I had heard her break wind. The look on her face was not one of amusement. She didn’t share my humor in this situation.
“You did, didn’t you?” I replied.
“Jonathon, just drop it okay?” She said as her face blushed red.
I ran over and grabbed her around the waist and picked her up in a big bear hug while laughing. She struggled in protest at my actions.
“Please, just drop it. Pleeeeeeassssse?” She said.
“You realize that this is your first fart with us together and it is at Christmas!” I exclaimed with jubilancy. Rachel, by no means, saw the humor in this matter. I thought it was hilarious. Tears started to well in her eyes and I realized I better cut it out.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” I said. “It is not that big of a deal. Guys just like farts.”
I grabbed her hand and lead her to the front steps of our house. We sat down and I pulled her into my lap and wrapped my arms around her.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just got carried away.” I replied.
“If you ever tell anyone about this I will divorce you. You get that?” She replied.
“Yes maam.” I said in all seriousness.
“You can be such a shit sometimes. You know that?” She responded.
It was the first and last time I ever heard her break wind in three years of marriage. Oh, by the way, Christmas was cool and we had a good time despite the “tragedy” on Christmas Eve. 8^)
No comments:
Post a Comment