Today is the first day of my journey. I have everything packed and ready to go. I have two gallons of water just in case. It is going to be extremely hot and muggy. The forecast high is 92 degrees. I went through my pack again this morning to make sure everything is there. I have been walking many miles everyday in preparation. I even tested my water filter this morning to make sure everything was working okay and it was.
I checked all my food to make sure I have enough for the trip. I have 6 clif energy bars as well in my favorite flavor, peanut butter. I cannot wait to try the freeze dried spaghetti and meat sauce for supper and the freeze dried apple crisp. I hope they taste good. Freeze dried technology has come leaps and bounds compared to what it used to taste like.
I looked at my map to make sure there are several streams. Water is crucial on a hot and humid trip like this. I will be sweating buckets. No water = big trouble. That is why I am carrying so much; sixteen pounds of it. I also want to stop and go fishing if the streams are big enough.
I just hope the kudzu has not covered the tracks like it does in the summer. Kudzu is an Asian plant that was introduced in the early part of this century to fight soil erosion in the south. I didn’t do as they intended. It is a vine that covers and smothers everything. Even the trees get covered and look like one huge mass of kudzu. Kudzu across the tracks is a good way to get snake bitten and it is too hot to wear my gaiters. Personally, I am not afraid of snakes and have caught many in my youth, even poisonous ones. I just don’t want to get bitten 30 miles in the middle of nowhere without a hospital. I have my snake bite kit but I don’t quite trust it to keep me alive if I am bitten by a rattlesnake.
I hope to see some relics of the railroads days gone by. I would love to find old equipment laying along side the right of way. An old steam locomotive would be awesome to find. Those are lofty expectations though and just some cool right of way signs would suffice.
My father has to work today because of his trip to San Diego tomorrow so my brother is helping me out. I am going to follow him to Lafayette and park my grandmother’s car at the county courthouse and then he will drive me the thirty minutes to the small dead town of Cusseta Alabama. If my calculations are correct, that will be a twenty six mile hike on the tracks. I need to close. Be good and be well and enjoy the start to your workweek. I will fill you all in on my exploits when I return in about two to three days.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Monday, July 05, 2004
My ultimate expedition has come to fruition…….
I have talked about this many, many weeks ago. It may have been months. My memory can be lax. My chance to hike the abandoned railway line from Cusseta Alabama to Lafayette Alabama has now come to fruition. I am finally going to be able to do it. My ex-wife thwarted my previous attempt.
I will have twenty six miles of hiking to do through the woods and with no outside contact. I will have to rely on my wits and my cunning to survive. It is a completely rural area with no human contact for many miles. It runs through the woods to an almost dead town in the southern USA.
I have been hastily getting together all my gear. I organized all my freeze dried meals and cleaned out my water bottles. I also cleaned the ceramic filter on my Sweetwater water filter. I put all my bottles and the filter in the dishwasher and pushed the sanitize button. I am waiting for them to finish.
I took all my gear out of my big kelty backpack and have been organizing it. I want to take enough to be prepared but not so much as to be burdened. I have it all lying about on the floor deciding what I need. It is a hard decision as I want to take it all in case I need it.
I am making a pile to keep and a pile to stay at home. I pulled out my snake bite and bug bite kit and put it into the pile to pack. I also put in my neat compact first aid kit. I put in an emergency rain suit and my backpack rain cover. Hey, here in the south you never know. I organized all my fishing gear into a little tackle box and my retractable rod and reel.
I sat on the floor and organized my meals. I ordered boxes of freeze dried meals years ago and I have enough left for three days. I packed them in my pack. They save a ton of weight compared to conventional foods. I have been saving them just for this.
I pulled my expensive Kelty tent out of the closet and set it up outside. I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I spent an hour seam sealing it. Making sure all the seams do not leak if it rains. I then left it for the seams to dry. After awhile, I sprayed a garden hose onto it and checked for leaks. I do not want to wake up to a wet sleeping bag if it rains.
I also pulled out my summer sleeping bag and hung it out for the afternoon to air out. I then rolled it up and put it in its stuff bag so it would be ready to go.
I think I am ready. I am ready to go. I have been wanting to do this for over a year. We are going to drive my grandmother’s car to Lafayette and leave it and then my father will drop me off at the starting point.
Wish me luck. I will not be blogging for several days. This is a dream of mine for quite a long time and I cannot wait to get started. I hope I can sleep well tonight. Tomorrow is the big day. I will write of my experiences when I get back. Be well and hike on!!!!!
I will have twenty six miles of hiking to do through the woods and with no outside contact. I will have to rely on my wits and my cunning to survive. It is a completely rural area with no human contact for many miles. It runs through the woods to an almost dead town in the southern USA.
I have been hastily getting together all my gear. I organized all my freeze dried meals and cleaned out my water bottles. I also cleaned the ceramic filter on my Sweetwater water filter. I put all my bottles and the filter in the dishwasher and pushed the sanitize button. I am waiting for them to finish.
I took all my gear out of my big kelty backpack and have been organizing it. I want to take enough to be prepared but not so much as to be burdened. I have it all lying about on the floor deciding what I need. It is a hard decision as I want to take it all in case I need it.
I am making a pile to keep and a pile to stay at home. I pulled out my snake bite and bug bite kit and put it into the pile to pack. I also put in my neat compact first aid kit. I put in an emergency rain suit and my backpack rain cover. Hey, here in the south you never know. I organized all my fishing gear into a little tackle box and my retractable rod and reel.
I sat on the floor and organized my meals. I ordered boxes of freeze dried meals years ago and I have enough left for three days. I packed them in my pack. They save a ton of weight compared to conventional foods. I have been saving them just for this.
I pulled my expensive Kelty tent out of the closet and set it up outside. I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I spent an hour seam sealing it. Making sure all the seams do not leak if it rains. I then left it for the seams to dry. After awhile, I sprayed a garden hose onto it and checked for leaks. I do not want to wake up to a wet sleeping bag if it rains.
I also pulled out my summer sleeping bag and hung it out for the afternoon to air out. I then rolled it up and put it in its stuff bag so it would be ready to go.
I think I am ready. I am ready to go. I have been wanting to do this for over a year. We are going to drive my grandmother’s car to Lafayette and leave it and then my father will drop me off at the starting point.
Wish me luck. I will not be blogging for several days. This is a dream of mine for quite a long time and I cannot wait to get started. I hope I can sleep well tonight. Tomorrow is the big day. I will write of my experiences when I get back. Be well and hike on!!!!!
My first diaper change……
Bear with me here. I have lots of stories of the holidays and this one may seem unpleasant.
Last night I and my family ate roast beef sandwiches and then all decided to watch a movie on DVD. I had stayed over there all day. My parents just recently got a DVD player. It took me two hours to show my mother how to use it one day and she still calls for more instruction. I try to be patient with her lack of technological know how.
Anyways, back to the story, we were waiting for my brother to get out of the shower. He is a clean freak and can wash his hands thirty times a day. This was his third shower for the day. Like I have said before; my brother, the physician, has obsessive compulsive disorder. That makes him being a doctor all the more ironic with him being around blood and sickness all day long.
My sister in law, Jennifer, had run out to buy some…uhmmm…. feminine personal hygiene products. Little Lilly, my niece, sat on the floor rolling and giggling on her baby mat. It was just me and my father sitting in the room watching her with awe. It brings tears to my eye’s to see her sometimes. I wish I and Rachel could have worked out and we could have had a beautiful baby together.
As Lilly lay there, her face turned bright red. She stared to grunt and squeal. She lay on her back and held her legs high above her. Her face turned even brighter red.
“Do you think something is wrong with her Dad?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Pick her up and see.” He replied.
I picked her up and it hit me. A terrible stench wafted up from her. She wiggled with gusto and squealed with great joy.
“arggggg!” I said as I coughed and gagged. “I think she had to potty.”
“Well, change her then!” my father said as he laughed.
“I have never changed a baby. You raised three kids so you change her.” I replied back with a stern look on my face.
“No, no, your mother did all the baby stuff. You are going to have to do it. I will gag and throw up. I have just eaten.” My dad said back like a pussy.
“You owe me one. You really, really owe me one.” I cried back acting angry.
So here goes nothing. I unbuttoned her bottoms and slid them forwards. I pulled out the baby wipes and a clean diaper. All the time Lilly was just loving the whole affair and wiggling like a wiggle worm. I undid the diapers and slid them off. Argggg! I almost gagged. How can something so cute smell so darn bad? I then took out the baby wipes and wiped her clean. I almost had to turn away to do this. I wrapped it all up in the diaper and set it on the coffee table so I could put on a new diaper.
“There you go sweetheart. You are all sat now.” I said to her in a high, womanlike voice.
She just giggled and smiled at me. My heart melted. My brother and his wife are so lucky.
Then something unexpected happened. My brother had brought his dog name Doc with them and doc grabs the dirty diaper off the table and runs towards the back of the house.
“Get that diaper!!!!” My dad cried as we both got up and ran after that dog. We finally caught him and pulled the diaper from his mouth before a mess ensued.
As you can see, my first diaper change was eventful.
Last night I and my family ate roast beef sandwiches and then all decided to watch a movie on DVD. I had stayed over there all day. My parents just recently got a DVD player. It took me two hours to show my mother how to use it one day and she still calls for more instruction. I try to be patient with her lack of technological know how.
Anyways, back to the story, we were waiting for my brother to get out of the shower. He is a clean freak and can wash his hands thirty times a day. This was his third shower for the day. Like I have said before; my brother, the physician, has obsessive compulsive disorder. That makes him being a doctor all the more ironic with him being around blood and sickness all day long.
My sister in law, Jennifer, had run out to buy some…uhmmm…. feminine personal hygiene products. Little Lilly, my niece, sat on the floor rolling and giggling on her baby mat. It was just me and my father sitting in the room watching her with awe. It brings tears to my eye’s to see her sometimes. I wish I and Rachel could have worked out and we could have had a beautiful baby together.
As Lilly lay there, her face turned bright red. She stared to grunt and squeal. She lay on her back and held her legs high above her. Her face turned even brighter red.
“Do you think something is wrong with her Dad?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Pick her up and see.” He replied.
I picked her up and it hit me. A terrible stench wafted up from her. She wiggled with gusto and squealed with great joy.
“arggggg!” I said as I coughed and gagged. “I think she had to potty.”
“Well, change her then!” my father said as he laughed.
“I have never changed a baby. You raised three kids so you change her.” I replied back with a stern look on my face.
“No, no, your mother did all the baby stuff. You are going to have to do it. I will gag and throw up. I have just eaten.” My dad said back like a pussy.
“You owe me one. You really, really owe me one.” I cried back acting angry.
So here goes nothing. I unbuttoned her bottoms and slid them forwards. I pulled out the baby wipes and a clean diaper. All the time Lilly was just loving the whole affair and wiggling like a wiggle worm. I undid the diapers and slid them off. Argggg! I almost gagged. How can something so cute smell so darn bad? I then took out the baby wipes and wiped her clean. I almost had to turn away to do this. I wrapped it all up in the diaper and set it on the coffee table so I could put on a new diaper.
“There you go sweetheart. You are all sat now.” I said to her in a high, womanlike voice.
She just giggled and smiled at me. My heart melted. My brother and his wife are so lucky.
Then something unexpected happened. My brother had brought his dog name Doc with them and doc grabs the dirty diaper off the table and runs towards the back of the house.
“Get that diaper!!!!” My dad cried as we both got up and ran after that dog. We finally caught him and pulled the diaper from his mouth before a mess ensued.
As you can see, my first diaper change was eventful.
Saying thanks and catching up......
I just wanted to take some time and say thanks to a few long time posters and some new ones as well. I also want to say thanks to a new site that has linked me. First off, I wanted to say thanks to The Frumpy Professor aka Pipe Tobacco. You have always taken the time to write your opinions to help me with advice. You have an excellent blog and I have enjoyed our conversations.
Secondly, I wanted to thank gurustu at Gurustu's Worms of Wisdom. You have always taken the time to stop by and read and offer some much needed wisdom. You have helped put my sometimes skewed view of reality into perspective. I do appreciate it good friend. I recommend his site to all of you of need a breath of fresh air and a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Thanks for nominating me on that site as an under appreciated blogger. I am undeserving of such a thing though but it was kind of you to do so.
Thirdly, to Plark, my overseas fellow blogger whose writings often amuse me and make me smile. He often makes me think as well when he speaks of philosophy. I enjoy seeing his world in pictures upon his blog and his writing about them and how he sees his world. You have me checking my horoscope just for the sheer fun of it. Take care and be well and don't teach those Chinese students any bad words. Nothing you couldn't say to your mother.
Fourthly, to Diana in Toronto. You can catch her blog here. She has posted some important things on her blog and has taken the time to offer me support. I think her journal is interesting and has an important message to read when it comes to homelessness. You get to see the other side of the coin; the experiences and opinions of a homeless care giver and support person.
Fifthly, I wanted to thank Crystal Evans whose blog called The Thoughts and opinion of a Homeless Girl was an inspiration to me. I read over the months and saw her struggle. I saw her fight against all odds but she never gave up. She never begged for your money. She used a sometimes insane system and stuck with it and in the end got her a home and off the streets. You gal, made me want to fight. You made me want to do what it took to get a home and keep it.
Sixthly, I want to thank all of you who have posted either anonymously or who I have not named. Exterra I am not forgetting you. I have enjoyed your interaction as well.
Lastly, I want to thank Brian at www.schizophrenia.com. Brian lost a brother who committed suicide because he could not get relief from his illness. I thank you sir for linking me and I thank you for the great amount of work you have put into building this website. It has helped countless people like me with information, a place to discuss our illnesses, and links to valuable, helpful resources.
Well, that is all I wanted to post for now. Those good folks mean a lot to me and I felt they deserved some recognition. I have an interesting story to tell later and also about my Fourth of July yesterday. Those will follow this afternoon after another family cookout. We are grilling hotdogs. Wheee Doggy!!!
Secondly, I wanted to thank gurustu at Gurustu's Worms of Wisdom. You have always taken the time to stop by and read and offer some much needed wisdom. You have helped put my sometimes skewed view of reality into perspective. I do appreciate it good friend. I recommend his site to all of you of need a breath of fresh air and a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Thanks for nominating me on that site as an under appreciated blogger. I am undeserving of such a thing though but it was kind of you to do so.
Thirdly, to Plark, my overseas fellow blogger whose writings often amuse me and make me smile. He often makes me think as well when he speaks of philosophy. I enjoy seeing his world in pictures upon his blog and his writing about them and how he sees his world. You have me checking my horoscope just for the sheer fun of it. Take care and be well and don't teach those Chinese students any bad words. Nothing you couldn't say to your mother.
Fourthly, to Diana in Toronto. You can catch her blog here. She has posted some important things on her blog and has taken the time to offer me support. I think her journal is interesting and has an important message to read when it comes to homelessness. You get to see the other side of the coin; the experiences and opinions of a homeless care giver and support person.
Fifthly, I wanted to thank Crystal Evans whose blog called The Thoughts and opinion of a Homeless Girl was an inspiration to me. I read over the months and saw her struggle. I saw her fight against all odds but she never gave up. She never begged for your money. She used a sometimes insane system and stuck with it and in the end got her a home and off the streets. You gal, made me want to fight. You made me want to do what it took to get a home and keep it.
Sixthly, I want to thank all of you who have posted either anonymously or who I have not named. Exterra I am not forgetting you. I have enjoyed your interaction as well.
Lastly, I want to thank Brian at www.schizophrenia.com. Brian lost a brother who committed suicide because he could not get relief from his illness. I thank you sir for linking me and I thank you for the great amount of work you have put into building this website. It has helped countless people like me with information, a place to discuss our illnesses, and links to valuable, helpful resources.
Well, that is all I wanted to post for now. Those good folks mean a lot to me and I felt they deserved some recognition. I have an interesting story to tell later and also about my Fourth of July yesterday. Those will follow this afternoon after another family cookout. We are grilling hotdogs. Wheee Doggy!!!
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Today is the big day…..
I know all of you are busy with the holidays and probably will not read this until Tuesday. That’s okay. I still love to write and do so for myself as much as anybody.
Today is the big day. We are going to fire up several grills. Boil 9 or 10 chickens and then grill them until there are smoky and the barbeque sauce caramelizes and coats them. It is customary in the family to see who can eat a whole chicken on the 4th. My cousin Clifton has the record when he ate one and half chickens on a hot and hazy Fourth of July in the seventies. His record still stands. It is a legend that is often told by my father every fourth. I and my brother can usually eat a whole chicken but we can’t beat his record. We eat until our stomachs are disgorged and we can barely move. The only things you want to do are just sitting and digesting or taking a nap.
The condiments are also important along with the homemade barbeque sauce. The sauce is vinegary and mustard tasting. We here were I live cannot stand sweet barbeque sauces. That stuff is nasty. No, it has to be my grandmothers time honored recipe; slowly cooked until it bubbles and condenses into a rich, tangy, spicy sauce. We also have to have homemade coleslaw and buttery, toasted barbeque bread. You then dip the bread into a bowl of sauce and eat it. Man, that is some good stuff and I cannot wait. My mouth is salivating as I write this.
I am going in a bit to drive down and buy a backpack full of fireworks. I have a little extra money and will take care of this detail. Roman candles, bottle rockets, and firecrackers for the kids. The big stuff is for the adults to shoot like the large canister rockets and the color sprays. We are going to wait until nightfall and put on a show in the front yard. I am even tempted to put a few firecrackers in the fire ant hill and light them for old time’s sake. That was something we loved as children to do with firecrackers; war with the fire ants.
May your Fourth of July be fun and you enjoy your families. I am just overjoyed and excited that I do not have to spend this fourth alone. I will be surrounded by my family and loved ones. We will all be talking, laughing, shooting the shit, and eating good food until we are sick. Good day all and enjoy this extra day weekend and this special holiday that commemorates the founding of this great country. It’s Independence Day but I am glad not to be independent in a lonely sense. I am part of a larger group called a family. I am glad I belong.
Today is the big day. We are going to fire up several grills. Boil 9 or 10 chickens and then grill them until there are smoky and the barbeque sauce caramelizes and coats them. It is customary in the family to see who can eat a whole chicken on the 4th. My cousin Clifton has the record when he ate one and half chickens on a hot and hazy Fourth of July in the seventies. His record still stands. It is a legend that is often told by my father every fourth. I and my brother can usually eat a whole chicken but we can’t beat his record. We eat until our stomachs are disgorged and we can barely move. The only things you want to do are just sitting and digesting or taking a nap.
The condiments are also important along with the homemade barbeque sauce. The sauce is vinegary and mustard tasting. We here were I live cannot stand sweet barbeque sauces. That stuff is nasty. No, it has to be my grandmothers time honored recipe; slowly cooked until it bubbles and condenses into a rich, tangy, spicy sauce. We also have to have homemade coleslaw and buttery, toasted barbeque bread. You then dip the bread into a bowl of sauce and eat it. Man, that is some good stuff and I cannot wait. My mouth is salivating as I write this.
I am going in a bit to drive down and buy a backpack full of fireworks. I have a little extra money and will take care of this detail. Roman candles, bottle rockets, and firecrackers for the kids. The big stuff is for the adults to shoot like the large canister rockets and the color sprays. We are going to wait until nightfall and put on a show in the front yard. I am even tempted to put a few firecrackers in the fire ant hill and light them for old time’s sake. That was something we loved as children to do with firecrackers; war with the fire ants.
May your Fourth of July be fun and you enjoy your families. I am just overjoyed and excited that I do not have to spend this fourth alone. I will be surrounded by my family and loved ones. We will all be talking, laughing, shooting the shit, and eating good food until we are sick. Good day all and enjoy this extra day weekend and this special holiday that commemorates the founding of this great country. It’s Independence Day but I am glad not to be independent in a lonely sense. I am part of a larger group called a family. I am glad I belong.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Talking with mom and dad…..
I called my mother first and checked up on her. She sounded much better and much more lucid. I know how it is to struggle with a sometimes debilitating disease.
“Hey Mom, are you okay?” I asked.
“I am fine, what are you doing?” She asked back.
“Oh, nothing much. Just enjoying my day. I slept for much of the day. I have been surfing around on the internet a lot this afternoon.” I replied. “I was really worried about you the other day. I just want you to be okay. I know what you go through.”
“I am fine. Don’t worry. I just had a bed spell. I feel much better.” She said.
“Well, you call me if you need me. You come over here if you need someone to talk to or get lonesome. I worry about you lying in the bed all the time. I worry you suffer from depression.” I replied.
“I am fine. I love you, you know that?” She replied.
“I love you too Mom. I know you don’t think my brother and sister care or call but I do and will.” I said.
I try to call her every day now and she how she is doing. I go over to sit with her most days as well. My father has asked me to help see about her in that I understand her condition.
“Well, I will let you go. You take care and I will talk to you tomorrow.” I said as I ended the conversation and hung up.
I then called my father on his cell phone. We are now back to talking like we used to do when I was younger after going for years estranged.
“Hey Dad, mom sounds better.” I said.
“Hey son, how are you? Yeah, she is doing better. Thanks for your help.” He replied.
“I had a rough go of it earlier but feel much better this afternoon.” I replied.
“Martha said you came over and got some Zyprexa. Are you feeling okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, I am fine. I just had a little tussle with Rachel and it threw me off kilter.” I replied back.
I went on to tell him about our fight yesterday.
“Don’t you let her get the best of you. You have done a hell of a lot for her. She is just a pistol and spoiled.” He replied.
“I know. I just can’t take her being mean to me for no reason. I makes me upset and it throws off my days.” I replied back.
“I have something I wanted to tell you.” He told me. “Your brother specifically asked if you are coming over tomorrow to eat with us. He wants you there.”
I felt overjoyed at my father saying this. I love my brother and miss him much. We were inseparable as children and grew apart as adults. He is a smart, bright young physician and a role model for me. He was also my moral and ethical compass as a child. I look up to him and sometimes put him on a lofty pedestal.
“I will be there for lunch tomorrow. Tell Alex I wouldn’t miss it for anything and I look forward to seeing Lilly and to see how much she has grown.” I said back with much enthusiasm.
“Come over about twelve. I am grilling barbeque chickens with your Grandmother’s special, homemade sauce.” He said.
“Sounds great! I will be there for sure.” I replied back and we ended our conversation.
I feel much better tonight. I cannot say how greatly appreciative I feel for how well my relationships with my family have grown. A few months ago we didn’t have contact and they didn’t trust me. They thought I was an irredeemable, mentally ill drunk. I know have contact with them everyday and we have a close relationship. I think that was one of the hardest things about me being homeless; to not have contact with and the support of my loved ones and to be estranged from them. I missed that community more than anything. I am glad to have it back and have tried so very hard to rebuild those relationships.
“Hey Mom, are you okay?” I asked.
“I am fine, what are you doing?” She asked back.
“Oh, nothing much. Just enjoying my day. I slept for much of the day. I have been surfing around on the internet a lot this afternoon.” I replied. “I was really worried about you the other day. I just want you to be okay. I know what you go through.”
“I am fine. Don’t worry. I just had a bed spell. I feel much better.” She said.
“Well, you call me if you need me. You come over here if you need someone to talk to or get lonesome. I worry about you lying in the bed all the time. I worry you suffer from depression.” I replied.
“I am fine. I love you, you know that?” She replied.
“I love you too Mom. I know you don’t think my brother and sister care or call but I do and will.” I said.
I try to call her every day now and she how she is doing. I go over to sit with her most days as well. My father has asked me to help see about her in that I understand her condition.
“Well, I will let you go. You take care and I will talk to you tomorrow.” I said as I ended the conversation and hung up.
I then called my father on his cell phone. We are now back to talking like we used to do when I was younger after going for years estranged.
“Hey Dad, mom sounds better.” I said.
“Hey son, how are you? Yeah, she is doing better. Thanks for your help.” He replied.
“I had a rough go of it earlier but feel much better this afternoon.” I replied.
“Martha said you came over and got some Zyprexa. Are you feeling okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, I am fine. I just had a little tussle with Rachel and it threw me off kilter.” I replied back.
I went on to tell him about our fight yesterday.
“Don’t you let her get the best of you. You have done a hell of a lot for her. She is just a pistol and spoiled.” He replied.
“I know. I just can’t take her being mean to me for no reason. I makes me upset and it throws off my days.” I replied back.
“I have something I wanted to tell you.” He told me. “Your brother specifically asked if you are coming over tomorrow to eat with us. He wants you there.”
I felt overjoyed at my father saying this. I love my brother and miss him much. We were inseparable as children and grew apart as adults. He is a smart, bright young physician and a role model for me. He was also my moral and ethical compass as a child. I look up to him and sometimes put him on a lofty pedestal.
“I will be there for lunch tomorrow. Tell Alex I wouldn’t miss it for anything and I look forward to seeing Lilly and to see how much she has grown.” I said back with much enthusiasm.
“Come over about twelve. I am grilling barbeque chickens with your Grandmother’s special, homemade sauce.” He said.
“Sounds great! I will be there for sure.” I replied back and we ended our conversation.
I feel much better tonight. I cannot say how greatly appreciative I feel for how well my relationships with my family have grown. A few months ago we didn’t have contact and they didn’t trust me. They thought I was an irredeemable, mentally ill drunk. I know have contact with them everyday and we have a close relationship. I think that was one of the hardest things about me being homeless; to not have contact with and the support of my loved ones and to be estranged from them. I missed that community more than anything. I am glad to have it back and have tried so very hard to rebuild those relationships.
Yawning as I write…..
I ended up sleeping until this afternoon. I feel much better. I was having olfactory hallucinations this morning. That is were I smell strange often nasty smells were none actually exist. I kept smelling this terrible smell as if there was rotting food in my apartment. I checked the fridge and the trash can and all was on the up and up. I knew then to take some zyprexa and get some sleep. Much of my anxieties and worries were quelled by the rest. I still feel groggy as the zyprexa is so sedating but I do not want to miss my British comedies latter this evening. It is a Saturday ritual I have had for years.
I hate this disease and wish I was normal and didn’t have to deal with such things. I wish there were some form of gene therapy to fix it. My medications help a great deal but I still deal with schizophrenia from time to time. It has a way up popping up when I least need it or expect it. It often accompanies illness or stressful times.
I made some homemade lemonade and cooked some fish sticks and French fries for supper. I was hungry and had not eaten since this morning. I then got online and played a game for a bit. I am just resting and having a lazy Saturday afternoon. Even though I am not working I still treat the weekends as a holiday. It is a special time and a time for fun and relaxation. I think I will now go take some hearty draughts from my pipe and enjoy a nice cup of hot tea. I am going to sit out on the porch and watch the cars drive by and watch the sun set. I will take a good magazine to peruse. Good day and I hope all your holiday festivities are fun filled.
I hate this disease and wish I was normal and didn’t have to deal with such things. I wish there were some form of gene therapy to fix it. My medications help a great deal but I still deal with schizophrenia from time to time. It has a way up popping up when I least need it or expect it. It often accompanies illness or stressful times.
I made some homemade lemonade and cooked some fish sticks and French fries for supper. I was hungry and had not eaten since this morning. I then got online and played a game for a bit. I am just resting and having a lazy Saturday afternoon. Even though I am not working I still treat the weekends as a holiday. It is a special time and a time for fun and relaxation. I think I will now go take some hearty draughts from my pipe and enjoy a nice cup of hot tea. I am going to sit out on the porch and watch the cars drive by and watch the sun set. I will take a good magazine to peruse. Good day and I hope all your holiday festivities are fun filled.
Stress and tension…..
I am not feeling well today. Stress and tension tends to make my symptoms flair up. My mind is a whirl of jumbled thoughts and worries. I woke up at 5 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Outside was pitch black dark. I sat in my lazy boy drinking a cup of coffee and feeling restless. I couldn’t get comfortable and I started to pace around my apartment. I picked up a book I am currently reading and couldn’t concentrate on the words so I put it down. I hate days like today.
I also felt very badly for my harsh words in that email I sent yesterday. I really am not a mean spirited person. I let Rachel push my buttons and shouldn’t. Just because she hurts me doesn’t mean I should return the treatment in kind. I should be a better person and turn away. I sent an email this morning apologizing for my harsh words and told her maybe it is best to limit our contact with each other to a minimum.
I want to go back to sleep but when I lay down I toss and turn. I want so very much to just escape into my dreams and not face the day. I wish I had something to take that would knock me out. I am out of my samples of zyprexa. If I had some I would take two and it would knock me out for the rest of the day. I think I will walk over to my mothers and borrow a couple from her. I just need to rest and get some sleep to feel better.
I also felt very badly for my harsh words in that email I sent yesterday. I really am not a mean spirited person. I let Rachel push my buttons and shouldn’t. Just because she hurts me doesn’t mean I should return the treatment in kind. I should be a better person and turn away. I sent an email this morning apologizing for my harsh words and told her maybe it is best to limit our contact with each other to a minimum.
I want to go back to sleep but when I lay down I toss and turn. I want so very much to just escape into my dreams and not face the day. I wish I had something to take that would knock me out. I am out of my samples of zyprexa. If I had some I would take two and it would knock me out for the rest of the day. I think I will walk over to my mothers and borrow a couple from her. I just need to rest and get some sleep to feel better.
Friday, July 02, 2004
A talk with Rachel…..
I was sitting here on the computer writing my last post and the phone rang. Normally, I wait until the answering machine picks up to see who is calling. I walked over and answered the phone. I was worried that it was my father and something has escalated with my mother. It was my dear, loving ex-wife.
We talked a long time about day to day things. Small talk I should add. I was trying my hardest to be nice and amicable. She told me that her grandfather’s blood count was low. “T” is his nickname. I dearly love this man and I felt bad. He is a good fella and was always kind to me. I expressed my condolences. I am going to send him a card and an invitation to go fishing. He love to fish with me.
Suddenly, out of know where she began attacking me. I had just told her that I was driving Alaine up to Atlanta to see her neurologist tomorrow. She grew jealous. That was not my intention. She wanted to come over and I just wanted to let her know that I was going to be away. Insanity ensued.
“You never would go with me when we were married.” She hollered.
“Rachel, that is bullshit, you are manipulating the situation. I would have driven across the country to take you to the doctor.” I shouted back.
“It just makes me angry. You never wanted to do anything with me and you constantly do things for her.” She said while crying.
“Everything involved your parents.” I said. “You are stuck three feet up their ass. I do not like your mother and think she is viscous. I would have done more if everything didn’t entail them tagging along.”
She hung up on me. I thought to myself, “Fine!” A moment latter the phone rang again. I hesitated but finally picked up.
“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to rip into you. I just get mad about you and her.” She said while sniffling.
“Rach, I am going to be an asshole here but I do not care. I was your husband. I was very ill at the time and what did you do? You threw me out of the house and I was homeless. Money meant more to you than your husband. We had the money for me to go to the hospital but you threw me out and divorced me.” I said firmly.
“I tried so hard to see about you.” She said while sounding hysterical.
“No you didn’t. I was sick and still saw about you. When I was homeless I paid your bills. I paid for that trip to London you just had to go on. I have seen about you despite all the obstacles I have faced.” I replied. “If you had seen about me then I would be safe and not homeless. You wanted an easy way out and you took it.”
She just sat there and sobbed for a few moments.
“Tell me what you have done for me since the divorce?” I asked. “You have the house, our car, our dog and cat and you have much of my material possessions. You have all our many wedding presents. Name one thing that you have done for me. I have seen about you. I have given you thousands of dollars. I have fixed your computer countless times. I have even helped with your college assignments. Name just one fucking thing you have done for me since December. One thing since you divorced me.”
She hung up on me and has not called back. I hope she doesn’t call. She cannot face reality. I am sure she called her mother and has bitched about me. Everything, and I mean absolutely everything, is divulged to her mother. That was one of the hardest things about being married to her. I had no privacy.
We talked a long time about day to day things. Small talk I should add. I was trying my hardest to be nice and amicable. She told me that her grandfather’s blood count was low. “T” is his nickname. I dearly love this man and I felt bad. He is a good fella and was always kind to me. I expressed my condolences. I am going to send him a card and an invitation to go fishing. He love to fish with me.
Suddenly, out of know where she began attacking me. I had just told her that I was driving Alaine up to Atlanta to see her neurologist tomorrow. She grew jealous. That was not my intention. She wanted to come over and I just wanted to let her know that I was going to be away. Insanity ensued.
“You never would go with me when we were married.” She hollered.
“Rachel, that is bullshit, you are manipulating the situation. I would have driven across the country to take you to the doctor.” I shouted back.
“It just makes me angry. You never wanted to do anything with me and you constantly do things for her.” She said while crying.
“Everything involved your parents.” I said. “You are stuck three feet up their ass. I do not like your mother and think she is viscous. I would have done more if everything didn’t entail them tagging along.”
She hung up on me. I thought to myself, “Fine!” A moment latter the phone rang again. I hesitated but finally picked up.
“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to rip into you. I just get mad about you and her.” She said while sniffling.
“Rach, I am going to be an asshole here but I do not care. I was your husband. I was very ill at the time and what did you do? You threw me out of the house and I was homeless. Money meant more to you than your husband. We had the money for me to go to the hospital but you threw me out and divorced me.” I said firmly.
“I tried so hard to see about you.” She said while sounding hysterical.
“No you didn’t. I was sick and still saw about you. When I was homeless I paid your bills. I paid for that trip to London you just had to go on. I have seen about you despite all the obstacles I have faced.” I replied. “If you had seen about me then I would be safe and not homeless. You wanted an easy way out and you took it.”
She just sat there and sobbed for a few moments.
“Tell me what you have done for me since the divorce?” I asked. “You have the house, our car, our dog and cat and you have much of my material possessions. You have all our many wedding presents. Name one thing that you have done for me. I have seen about you. I have given you thousands of dollars. I have fixed your computer countless times. I have even helped with your college assignments. Name just one fucking thing you have done for me since December. One thing since you divorced me.”
She hung up on me and has not called back. I hope she doesn’t call. She cannot face reality. I am sure she called her mother and has bitched about me. Everything, and I mean absolutely everything, is divulged to her mother. That was one of the hardest things about being married to her. I had no privacy.
Talking about homelessness…..
I was looking over some of the first posts I made on this blog. I realized that my writing style has drastically changed. I felt so relieved that those days of homelessness are over. It was a tough time that I do not want to relive. You really don’t know what it is like to wake up to a twenty degree morning in a tent in the woods until you experience it. Even the simplest tasks seem like insurmountable ordeals.
There were some good things that came out of it. Good things from homelessness? Yes, I feel it built character in me. It also made me come to the realization that I was sick and needed medication. I also started to take substance abuse seriously. I still do drink from time to time, I am not a saint, but I drink responsibly. I go to AA meetings for the social aspects and to remind me from where I came.
I was thinking over something the homeless guy posted a few days ago. He made the blanket statement that homeless people are not goal oriented. I disagree. Homeless people have goals but many of them are simple. Being homeless tends to bring you down to the base levels of emotions and needs. I am not an amoeba (Pipe you will catch this inside joke). Homeless people seek love and satisfaction just like homed people do. They have the goals of seeking community, seeking food, seeking warmth. I would be so bold to make the statement that all homeless people seek a home. That is a goal as well.
One of the more destructive goals is substance abuse. I feel I am an expert in this area. This is a goal, a destructive one, but a goal none the less. The goal is to escape your surroundings and try to feel better about things. If you have read Sullivan’s blog then you would realize this. Sullivan is a homeless man in Tampa Florida whose journal is called the last day of my life. Sullivan is more interested now in writing about political issues but his blog gained notoriety from his writings about the homeless people around him. You have to delve deep into his archives to find this material.
Sullivan wrote in a comedic way about the substance abuse around him. He wrote about drinking and crack cocaine. These things are prevalent on the streets and amid homelessness. He weaved a story of insanity as these people he dealt with scurried around his neighborhood trying to score and smoke crack. It certainly would be disturbing for some to read but it is reality. You do not read about these kinds of things on the homeless guy’s site. I would scare off his customers and the money would stop flowing.
Well, I will close. These things were just bouncing around my head this morning and I wanted to write about them. I will probably write more as these ideas solidify in my mind. Good morning and have a great day.
There were some good things that came out of it. Good things from homelessness? Yes, I feel it built character in me. It also made me come to the realization that I was sick and needed medication. I also started to take substance abuse seriously. I still do drink from time to time, I am not a saint, but I drink responsibly. I go to AA meetings for the social aspects and to remind me from where I came.
I was thinking over something the homeless guy posted a few days ago. He made the blanket statement that homeless people are not goal oriented. I disagree. Homeless people have goals but many of them are simple. Being homeless tends to bring you down to the base levels of emotions and needs. I am not an amoeba (Pipe you will catch this inside joke). Homeless people seek love and satisfaction just like homed people do. They have the goals of seeking community, seeking food, seeking warmth. I would be so bold to make the statement that all homeless people seek a home. That is a goal as well.
One of the more destructive goals is substance abuse. I feel I am an expert in this area. This is a goal, a destructive one, but a goal none the less. The goal is to escape your surroundings and try to feel better about things. If you have read Sullivan’s blog then you would realize this. Sullivan is a homeless man in Tampa Florida whose journal is called the last day of my life. Sullivan is more interested now in writing about political issues but his blog gained notoriety from his writings about the homeless people around him. You have to delve deep into his archives to find this material.
Sullivan wrote in a comedic way about the substance abuse around him. He wrote about drinking and crack cocaine. These things are prevalent on the streets and amid homelessness. He weaved a story of insanity as these people he dealt with scurried around his neighborhood trying to score and smoke crack. It certainly would be disturbing for some to read but it is reality. You do not read about these kinds of things on the homeless guy’s site. I would scare off his customers and the money would stop flowing.
Well, I will close. These things were just bouncing around my head this morning and I wanted to write about them. I will probably write more as these ideas solidify in my mind. Good morning and have a great day.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Whiffle ball…..
I have had a fun night. The neighbor’s kids were playing whiffle ball in my parents back yard. Earlier in the day they were playing camp in my tent. I had it set out to dry out after all that rain when I went camping a few nights ago. I overlook this as it is not my expensive kelty tent. It is just a $30 dollar tent from wal-mart. The kelty tent was over $200 dollars and that is for when I hike the Appalachian Trail. I save it for those days.
I walked down to my parent’s back yard. At first, the kids were apprehensive. Why was this adult joining us? They were worried they were in trouble for playing in my parent’s back yard.
I grabbed the plastic bat that was lying on the grass.
“Throw me a fast ball, boys.”
They laughed with glee and took their positions. First, second, and third base, they all lined up to play. Blake took the pitchers position.
Blake tossed the ball. I swung and missed.
“You suck!” he shouted and laughed.
“I would devastate you all in my old days. I could knock a whiffle ball out of the park when I was a child.” I hollered.
They had the dogwood tree past third base marked as homerun. Used coke cans were the bases.
I worried that my father would think we were tearing up his lawn. Good thing he was at work.
Blake threw another ball. I missed again as the ball whistled past me.
“Dang nab it, are you a pro? I think you need to sign up for the draft.” I said.
Blake squealed with glee at me saying this.
“I watch Jim Thome on TV!” He said as he excitedly got ready for the next pitch.
Blake threw the next pitch.
Bam! I hit it.
It flew towards third base and Blake’s brother caught it mid air. I cannot remember his name.
“You are out!” The boys all said as they ran towards me. It was the third out in their game.
I had to subdue my cursing. Hey, it’s kids.
“You boys have a good time.” I said.
They all cried don’t go. Blake ran up to me and asked me to stay.
“Blake, I have to take care of things. You all enjoy yourselves. You have a mean pitch.” I said. They were starved for an adult’s attention.
I walked home and started to write this post. I can still see them playing out my window beyond my computer. They are having a good time.
I walked down to my parent’s back yard. At first, the kids were apprehensive. Why was this adult joining us? They were worried they were in trouble for playing in my parent’s back yard.
I grabbed the plastic bat that was lying on the grass.
“Throw me a fast ball, boys.”
They laughed with glee and took their positions. First, second, and third base, they all lined up to play. Blake took the pitchers position.
Blake tossed the ball. I swung and missed.
“You suck!” he shouted and laughed.
“I would devastate you all in my old days. I could knock a whiffle ball out of the park when I was a child.” I hollered.
They had the dogwood tree past third base marked as homerun. Used coke cans were the bases.
I worried that my father would think we were tearing up his lawn. Good thing he was at work.
Blake threw another ball. I missed again as the ball whistled past me.
“Dang nab it, are you a pro? I think you need to sign up for the draft.” I said.
Blake squealed with glee at me saying this.
“I watch Jim Thome on TV!” He said as he excitedly got ready for the next pitch.
Blake threw the next pitch.
Bam! I hit it.
It flew towards third base and Blake’s brother caught it mid air. I cannot remember his name.
“You are out!” The boys all said as they ran towards me. It was the third out in their game.
I had to subdue my cursing. Hey, it’s kids.
“You boys have a good time.” I said.
They all cried don’t go. Blake ran up to me and asked me to stay.
“Blake, I have to take care of things. You all enjoy yourselves. You have a mean pitch.” I said. They were starved for an adult’s attention.
I walked home and started to write this post. I can still see them playing out my window beyond my computer. They are having a good time.
More inebriated people…..
I hate to always talk about bad stuff lately but this is my life. I write it as I see it. I had a dentist’s appointment this morning to get my bridge fitted. This appointment has cost me $845 dollars so I didn’t want to miss it. I have already paid my bill in full. I called my mother early this morning to make sure she remembered. She was going to have to take me since my parents still do not trust me with their personal vehicles.
The phone rang many times.
“Hello?” Mom asked. She slurred the word as if she had drunk a fifth of whiskey.
“Mom, remember I have a dentists appointment this morning.” I said.
“What day is it? Is this Wednesday?” She asked.
“It is Thursday mom.” I replied.
“What time is it?” She asked with a slurred voice and repeated it to correct herself.
“It is 7 o’ clock. My appointment is a 10:20. We need to leave around ten.” I told her.
“I will pick you up at ten.” She said and then she hung up.
About two hours later the phone rang. I picked it up and it was my Father. He rarely calls me so I knew then that something was wrong.
“Something’s not right with your mother. She sounds drunk as a cooter. I need you to walk over and see about her for me.” He said. He was at work and he had called her.
“Is she taking something dad? She didn’t even know what day it is.” I replied.
“I don’t know. She is all out of whack because I will not let her ride with me on my drive to San Diego next week. She just wants to go to be pampered and t out. I have to move your brother and it will be hard work. She will just be a hindrance.” He told me.
The phone rang many times.
“Hello?” Mom asked. She slurred the word as if she had drunk a fifth of whiskey.
“Mom, remember I have a dentists appointment this morning.” I said.
“What day is it? Is this Wednesday?” She asked.
“It is Thursday mom.” I replied.
“What time is it?” She asked with a slurred voice and repeated it to correct herself.
“It is 7 o’ clock. My appointment is a 10:20. We need to leave around ten.” I told her.
“I will pick you up at ten.” She said and then she hung up.
About two hours later the phone rang. I picked it up and it was my Father. He rarely calls me so I knew then that something was wrong.
“Something’s not right with your mother. She sounds drunk as a cooter. I need you to walk over and see about her for me.” He said. He was at work and he had called her.
“Is she taking something dad? She didn’t even know what day it is.” I replied.
“I don’t know. She is all out of whack because I will not let her ride with me on my drive to San Diego next week. She just wants to go to be pampered and t out. I have to move your brother and it will be hard work. She will just be a hindrance.” He told me.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
I just cannot win…..
I am not feeling well tonight. I want to write. I have nothing else to do. Rachel called me to tell me she was coming over to bring those papers. I didn’t pick up the phone. I let the answering machine answer it.
I am having a hard time tonight. The ordeal with George didn’t help. I heard Rachel’s car drive up. I can pick our Volkswagen out of a line up. I heard a knock and then another knock. I hid behind the chest of drawers in this room. I heard the car crank up and leave.
Dear god, why? Why do I have to suffer? I am not a bad person. I do not do bad things. I am a good person. I wanted so much to open the door and welcome her in. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and hug her. I wanted to give her a big kiss and tell her I love her. I do love her. I want to go home. I want to go back to our house. I want to drive our car. I want my beloved cat to sit in my lap. I want to hear the dog go in and out of the dog door I installed.
Why can’t I go home? I just want to sleep in our bed. It is the bed that I paid for. I want to wake up in the morning and wake up to her beside me. I want Otis, our dog, to lick me on the face. I want chairman meow to sit on my lap and love me like she used to do. I want so much but it is a lost dream.
I am not feeling well tonight. My illness is acting up I believe. I want to go home. I want to get in my old bed and go to sleep. I want to sit in my den and watch tv. I gave her everything. She got the house. She got the car. She got our dog and cat. I sat in a tent in the coldest months of winter and still paid her money. She always had her bills paid. It is not fair.
I am having a hard time tonight. The ordeal with George didn’t help. I heard Rachel’s car drive up. I can pick our Volkswagen out of a line up. I heard a knock and then another knock. I hid behind the chest of drawers in this room. I heard the car crank up and leave.
Dear god, why? Why do I have to suffer? I am not a bad person. I do not do bad things. I am a good person. I wanted so much to open the door and welcome her in. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and hug her. I wanted to give her a big kiss and tell her I love her. I do love her. I want to go home. I want to go back to our house. I want to drive our car. I want my beloved cat to sit in my lap. I want to hear the dog go in and out of the dog door I installed.
Why can’t I go home? I just want to sleep in our bed. It is the bed that I paid for. I want to wake up in the morning and wake up to her beside me. I want Otis, our dog, to lick me on the face. I want chairman meow to sit on my lap and love me like she used to do. I want so much but it is a lost dream.
I am not feeling well tonight. My illness is acting up I believe. I want to go home. I want to get in my old bed and go to sleep. I want to sit in my den and watch tv. I gave her everything. She got the house. She got the car. She got our dog and cat. I sat in a tent in the coldest months of winter and still paid her money. She always had her bills paid. It is not fair.
The Fourth of July Party…..
I walked down to the Piggly Wiggly this afternoon. I wanted some fried cubed steak for supper. There are watermelons growing in a small flower bed just down below. Someone had smashed all the ones of size on the pavement. I stepped around them. I felt disgusted after seeing them grow for months. It probably was some kids I thought to myself.
As I walked up the sidewalk there sat George in his old beat up Dodge Diplomat. I tried to walk by slowly so as not to be noticed.
“Hey brotha! I need to talk to you!” George hollered as I tried to walk by. “Come here and sit in the car.”
I opened the door and sat down. I was tired and glad to have a seat. I know the game and George no longer bothers me that much. He handed me a cigar and I lit it up. It was a white owl.
“I want you at my party! You are one of my best friends!” George said as he slurred his words. George was completely shit faced. He was drunker than a skunk. I have never seen George drunk.
“I will buy a case if you buy a case.” He said. “We are going to cook hamburgers out at the lake on the fourth.”
I sat for a minute pondering this situation as I smoked my cigar.
“George you are drunker than shit man.” I said.
“I have only six beers!” He said while showing five fingers. I laughed really hard at this and he took offense.
“Listen George, you are drunk and you need to head home before you get a DUI.” I replied.
“I am not drunk. Fuck the police. I can drink you under the table.” George replied in a sentence that was almost unintelligible. He looked at me sternly with red shot eyes.
“I am throwing a party and I want you there. I want you to get a case of beer and I will bring one as well. You are my friend.” George said.
I felt bad for George. I know how it is to be fucked up. You really need someone to take care of you. Most people would stand around and gawk at a man’s poor situation.
“George, step out of the car.” I said as I got out.
“Why? Motherfucker, don’t fuck with me!” George shouted
“I thought me and you are friends.” I replied.
“You are my best friend you son of a bitch.” George said as he slurred his words. What a way to show friendship I thought to myself.
“I am driving you home. You are going to get busted.” I said firmly.
“Fuck the police. They can suck my dick!!!” George shouted.
“George, get your ass in the other seat. I am taking you home.” I shouted back.
George crawled over the front seat to the passenger side. He had popped open another beer.
“Where do you live George?” I asked as I got in on the driver’s side.
“I live with my moms over by central elementary. Just behind the school.” George replied.
Cool, I thought, that was only a thirty minute walk home.
I cranked up the car and drove George home. His car is a piece of crap I might add. I felt as if it were about to fly apart if I went over thirty miles an hour.
“It this your house?” I asked.
“Yes.” George said. He was half passed out.
I pulled up in the driveway and knocked on the door. An elderly lady came to the door.
“Are you George’s mom?” I asked.
“Yes sir, sho is.” She replied. “Whats a white boy like you doin in his car?”
“George is drunk and needs to sleep it off. I drove him home miss.” I replied.
I handed her the keys and told her to hide them and then started my long walk home.
You know, I don’t like George. He really is not my friend but I knew if I left him there then bad things would happen. He could have killed someone driving as drunk as he was. George is a shady character that I try to avoid but I had to act tonight.
As I walked up the sidewalk there sat George in his old beat up Dodge Diplomat. I tried to walk by slowly so as not to be noticed.
“Hey brotha! I need to talk to you!” George hollered as I tried to walk by. “Come here and sit in the car.”
I opened the door and sat down. I was tired and glad to have a seat. I know the game and George no longer bothers me that much. He handed me a cigar and I lit it up. It was a white owl.
“I want you at my party! You are one of my best friends!” George said as he slurred his words. George was completely shit faced. He was drunker than a skunk. I have never seen George drunk.
“I will buy a case if you buy a case.” He said. “We are going to cook hamburgers out at the lake on the fourth.”
I sat for a minute pondering this situation as I smoked my cigar.
“George you are drunker than shit man.” I said.
“I have only six beers!” He said while showing five fingers. I laughed really hard at this and he took offense.
“Listen George, you are drunk and you need to head home before you get a DUI.” I replied.
“I am not drunk. Fuck the police. I can drink you under the table.” George replied in a sentence that was almost unintelligible. He looked at me sternly with red shot eyes.
“I am throwing a party and I want you there. I want you to get a case of beer and I will bring one as well. You are my friend.” George said.
I felt bad for George. I know how it is to be fucked up. You really need someone to take care of you. Most people would stand around and gawk at a man’s poor situation.
“George, step out of the car.” I said as I got out.
“Why? Motherfucker, don’t fuck with me!” George shouted
“I thought me and you are friends.” I replied.
“You are my best friend you son of a bitch.” George said as he slurred his words. What a way to show friendship I thought to myself.
“I am driving you home. You are going to get busted.” I said firmly.
“Fuck the police. They can suck my dick!!!” George shouted.
“George, get your ass in the other seat. I am taking you home.” I shouted back.
George crawled over the front seat to the passenger side. He had popped open another beer.
“Where do you live George?” I asked as I got in on the driver’s side.
“I live with my moms over by central elementary. Just behind the school.” George replied.
Cool, I thought, that was only a thirty minute walk home.
I cranked up the car and drove George home. His car is a piece of crap I might add. I felt as if it were about to fly apart if I went over thirty miles an hour.
“It this your house?” I asked.
“Yes.” George said. He was half passed out.
I pulled up in the driveway and knocked on the door. An elderly lady came to the door.
“Are you George’s mom?” I asked.
“Yes sir, sho is.” She replied. “Whats a white boy like you doin in his car?”
“George is drunk and needs to sleep it off. I drove him home miss.” I replied.
I handed her the keys and told her to hide them and then started my long walk home.
You know, I don’t like George. He really is not my friend but I knew if I left him there then bad things would happen. He could have killed someone driving as drunk as he was. George is a shady character that I try to avoid but I had to act tonight.
A visit with family…..
I walked over to my parent’s house this morning. I was lonely and I wanted to see my father and spend some time with him. He is off from work on Wednesday. I walked up the steps and my father’s cat was there to greet me. Her name is Macy. She wanted me to pet her but petting her is Russian roulette. She will bite you for no reason. I opened the door and stepped in. My father was in the kitchen cooking.
“Your cat is evil Dad.” I told him.
He just laughed.
“My girl is not evil. She is the best pussy in the world. She is the duchess.” He replied.
As a child all our pets had royal names. Some were in parliament and others were in the royal family. He would tell us grand stories of their exploits. We would always squeal with glee as dad told us outrageous stories about our pets. Our dog, Mick, was an archduke. Bless his soul. Mom shut the garage door on him and he had to be put to sleep. I miss Mick. He was always overjoyed to see me when I came over.
Dad was cooking a roast and it smelled wonderful. My stomach grumbled as I sat at the kitchen table reading the Atlanta Constitution. I like to call it the Atlanta Constipation. It was full of depressing news as always.
“Does the news ever depress you?” I asked.
“I get tired of it. It is always about what is wrong and rarely about what is right.” He replied.
“Do you need any help with anything?” I asked.
“Set the table and put some ice in our glasses. Then go wake up Martha.” He replied.
He pulled out the roast and was carving it with an electric knife. He spooned the potatoes and carrots into a serving dish. I set the table and filled three glasses with ice. He then started to make a salad of lettuce, tomatoes, celery, and mayonnaise. He seasoned it with salt and pepper. I then walked back to the back bedroom to wake up mom.
“Hey mom, time to eat!” I said.
“Did Johnny cook?” She asked.
“Yeah, dad cooked a roast.” I replied.
My mom hopped out of the bed faster than you could say, “Jiminy Cricket!” She will not miss a meal. It is one the few things that will tug her out of bed.
We all fixed our plates and started to eat. It tasted wonderful. Mom was so lazy she didn’t even pour her glass with tea. She hurriedly ate and then went back to bad.
“Jesus!” My father said.
“What?” I asked.
“You mother is something else. She didn’t even pour her glass with tea. She ate without drinking.” He replied.
“She is lazy. It would be too much trouble.” He replied.
“Yeah, you are right. I don’t see how she can stay in the bed all day.” Dad said.
“Nether do I. I couldn’t stand it. Just laying there and doing nothing for days on end.” I replied back.
I hate us talking about my mother behind her back. She really is pitiful and I hate to see her waste her life like she does. I changed the subject quickly and then headed home.
“Your cat is evil Dad.” I told him.
He just laughed.
“My girl is not evil. She is the best pussy in the world. She is the duchess.” He replied.
As a child all our pets had royal names. Some were in parliament and others were in the royal family. He would tell us grand stories of their exploits. We would always squeal with glee as dad told us outrageous stories about our pets. Our dog, Mick, was an archduke. Bless his soul. Mom shut the garage door on him and he had to be put to sleep. I miss Mick. He was always overjoyed to see me when I came over.
Dad was cooking a roast and it smelled wonderful. My stomach grumbled as I sat at the kitchen table reading the Atlanta Constitution. I like to call it the Atlanta Constipation. It was full of depressing news as always.
“Does the news ever depress you?” I asked.
“I get tired of it. It is always about what is wrong and rarely about what is right.” He replied.
“Do you need any help with anything?” I asked.
“Set the table and put some ice in our glasses. Then go wake up Martha.” He replied.
He pulled out the roast and was carving it with an electric knife. He spooned the potatoes and carrots into a serving dish. I set the table and filled three glasses with ice. He then started to make a salad of lettuce, tomatoes, celery, and mayonnaise. He seasoned it with salt and pepper. I then walked back to the back bedroom to wake up mom.
“Hey mom, time to eat!” I said.
“Did Johnny cook?” She asked.
“Yeah, dad cooked a roast.” I replied.
My mom hopped out of the bed faster than you could say, “Jiminy Cricket!” She will not miss a meal. It is one the few things that will tug her out of bed.
We all fixed our plates and started to eat. It tasted wonderful. Mom was so lazy she didn’t even pour her glass with tea. She hurriedly ate and then went back to bad.
“Jesus!” My father said.
“What?” I asked.
“You mother is something else. She didn’t even pour her glass with tea. She ate without drinking.” He replied.
“She is lazy. It would be too much trouble.” He replied.
“Yeah, you are right. I don’t see how she can stay in the bed all day.” Dad said.
“Nether do I. I couldn’t stand it. Just laying there and doing nothing for days on end.” I replied back.
I hate us talking about my mother behind her back. She really is pitiful and I hate to see her waste her life like she does. I changed the subject quickly and then headed home.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
The bitch says, “Hello!”
I am not feeling well tonight. I am tired and ornery. My ex-wife called with bad news as always. I am trying my hardest to distance myself from her.
“Social Security wrote today. You owe them $1000 dollars.” She said on the phone.
“Oh great! What for?” I replied.
“They paid you too much on your big check. They are going to take $1000 dollars out of your check over the year.” She replied.
Oh thank you great harbinger of good news I thought to myself. Rachel always has a way of not brightening my day. She always has a way of pissing on my parade.
“Well shit!” I said.
“I will bring you the letter by tomorrow.” Rachel replied.
“Just mail it to me. That would be better.” I replied.
“Why? Do you not want to see me? Why can’t I run it by?” She asked.
I would rather get teeth pulled than see her but I was too kind to say so. She is a bitch and I have come to realize this. Everything has to be dramatic and has to suit her.
“Just mail it to me okay? Is that too hard to do? Just lick a stamp, put it on the envelope, pull the flag up on the mailbox and stick it in!” I exclaimed.
“What have I done to you?” She replied while starting to cry.
Oh god, my heart melted. I cannot stand to hear a woman cry. I was an asshole and I knew it.
“Listen Rach, I am just tired and do not feel good. Bring the letter by tomorrow. I would appreciate it. You have done nothing wrong.” I replied.
Man, I am such a pussy. I just wish she could be as nice to me as I am to her.
“I love you doll.” She said.
“I love you too sweetheart.” I replied. I felt so hypocritical for saying that. It was almost automatic.
Do you want to know the sad thing? I still do love her despite all her flaws. I miss waking up in the morning with her next to me. I miss our home with our cat and dog always around. I miss the smell of her hair and the touch of her skin. I miss so many things but I know she is like poison to my soul. I will try my best to stay away.
“Social Security wrote today. You owe them $1000 dollars.” She said on the phone.
“Oh great! What for?” I replied.
“They paid you too much on your big check. They are going to take $1000 dollars out of your check over the year.” She replied.
Oh thank you great harbinger of good news I thought to myself. Rachel always has a way of not brightening my day. She always has a way of pissing on my parade.
“Well shit!” I said.
“I will bring you the letter by tomorrow.” Rachel replied.
“Just mail it to me. That would be better.” I replied.
“Why? Do you not want to see me? Why can’t I run it by?” She asked.
I would rather get teeth pulled than see her but I was too kind to say so. She is a bitch and I have come to realize this. Everything has to be dramatic and has to suit her.
“Just mail it to me okay? Is that too hard to do? Just lick a stamp, put it on the envelope, pull the flag up on the mailbox and stick it in!” I exclaimed.
“What have I done to you?” She replied while starting to cry.
Oh god, my heart melted. I cannot stand to hear a woman cry. I was an asshole and I knew it.
“Listen Rach, I am just tired and do not feel good. Bring the letter by tomorrow. I would appreciate it. You have done nothing wrong.” I replied.
Man, I am such a pussy. I just wish she could be as nice to me as I am to her.
“I love you doll.” She said.
“I love you too sweetheart.” I replied. I felt so hypocritical for saying that. It was almost automatic.
Do you want to know the sad thing? I still do love her despite all her flaws. I miss waking up in the morning with her next to me. I miss our home with our cat and dog always around. I miss the smell of her hair and the touch of her skin. I miss so many things but I know she is like poison to my soul. I will try my best to stay away.
I need your help….
I have been receiving $837 dollars a month from social security for disability. Recently, I contacted my congressman and got my big check. It was a back payment of $5600 dollars. I gave two thousand dollars to my ex-wife to pay for a trip to London. I had no choice. She is my representative payee. She gets the checks and deposits the money and gives me the rest. I have tried many times to change this but SSI just gives me the run around. She acted as if it was my choice and I agreed to go. I gave her the two thousand dollars to pay for the trip. I didn’t want to go. It was her idea and she put it on her credit card.
Social Security wrote a letter today saying they paid me $1000 dollars too much and now I have to foot the bill. It will come out of my check monthly. This will drastically reduce my monthly income.
Should I confront my ex-wife? I still give her money every month. I still love her so much but I cannot afford to give her more. I am often penniless at the end of the month. I want to see about her. I want to be a man and stand up to my responsibilities. Should I ask for that money back? It really was not hers. I struggle so much with this issue.
I get so angry about this. I pay her cable and electrical bill but she never comes to see me. I do more for her than she does for me. I look after her but she never has the time to stop by and see how I am doing. I could have been an asshole and never gave her anything. When I was homeless I gave her lots of money to make sure she was seen about. I was sleeping in a tent in the harshest weather and she was at home sleeping in our warm bed. I saw about her though and no one can ever say I was a person who didn’t meet his responsibilities.
I guess I am bitter. I am bitter at her in the way she divorced me. She would not face me. She had her father come pick me up and take me to the lawyer’s office. I signed the papers and gave her everything. She got the house, our Volkswagen, our dog and cat. She got all our wedding presents and they were numerous.
I just want to cry. I want to lie in my bed and sleep until kingdom come. I am not a bad person. I try so hard but life has a way of making everything a struggle.
I will always see about her. Homeless or not; she will have a home. I would sell everything I had to make sure she had what she needs. I just do not know what to do. I do not want to be an asshole and ask for that money. I need it though. I guess I just need to go to bed for awhile. I need time to think about things.
Social Security wrote a letter today saying they paid me $1000 dollars too much and now I have to foot the bill. It will come out of my check monthly. This will drastically reduce my monthly income.
Should I confront my ex-wife? I still give her money every month. I still love her so much but I cannot afford to give her more. I am often penniless at the end of the month. I want to see about her. I want to be a man and stand up to my responsibilities. Should I ask for that money back? It really was not hers. I struggle so much with this issue.
I get so angry about this. I pay her cable and electrical bill but she never comes to see me. I do more for her than she does for me. I look after her but she never has the time to stop by and see how I am doing. I could have been an asshole and never gave her anything. When I was homeless I gave her lots of money to make sure she was seen about. I was sleeping in a tent in the harshest weather and she was at home sleeping in our warm bed. I saw about her though and no one can ever say I was a person who didn’t meet his responsibilities.
I guess I am bitter. I am bitter at her in the way she divorced me. She would not face me. She had her father come pick me up and take me to the lawyer’s office. I signed the papers and gave her everything. She got the house, our Volkswagen, our dog and cat. She got all our wedding presents and they were numerous.
I just want to cry. I want to lie in my bed and sleep until kingdom come. I am not a bad person. I try so hard but life has a way of making everything a struggle.
I will always see about her. Homeless or not; she will have a home. I would sell everything I had to make sure she had what she needs. I just do not know what to do. I do not want to be an asshole and ask for that money. I need it though. I guess I just need to go to bed for awhile. I need time to think about things.
A Big Surprise……
My father let a friend borrow my late grandmother’s car for a few days so I am in the realm of non-driving status again. It is just a few days though. I had an appointment at Valley Orthopedics with my bone specialist this morning so dear old Mom had to drive me.
We drove down there without incident and I was grateful. As we were sitting in the room mom just says, “I think I will go home and lay down. Call me when you are done.” An argument ensued as this pissed me off. I know I should be thankful for a ride and all but it was ridiculous to drive all the way (5 miles) down there and just drive home. I knew what mom was doing. She wanted to go lie back down. She literally can lie in the bed day and night for weeks on end.
“Dr. Martin always only takes a few minutes. We never have to wait long.” I replied.
“I am so sleepy though and need to lie down.” Mom said.
“By the time you get home, you will have to come back and pick me up. You will not have time to lie down.” I replied in exasperation.
“Why can’t I just go lie down for a bit?” Mom asked.
I let out a big sigh and tried once again to explain to her the ridiculousness of such an endeavor. I had to use subterfuge in the end to resolve the matter. Even though my mother is almost 60 years old she acts like a child and you have to treat her as such.
“I need someone to talk to. I need you with me.” I replied coyly.
As predicted they called me back shortly and the doctor spoke to me. I am discharged from physical therapy and I almost jumped for joy at him saying this. It has been a long road to travel but I made it. My arm is almost back to normal.
After leaving, Mom pulled into a local bank.
“Why are you stopping here?” I asked
“We need to cash your savings bond from mother.” Mom replied.
When she had initially told me about this I thinking it was just a $20 dollar savings bond. My mom’s mother is notoriously cheap and frugal. I opened the envelope and I almost shit in my pants. It was eight $50 dollar savings bonds that were issued in 1972. The total return was $495 dollars after the interest was accounted for.
We drove down there without incident and I was grateful. As we were sitting in the room mom just says, “I think I will go home and lay down. Call me when you are done.” An argument ensued as this pissed me off. I know I should be thankful for a ride and all but it was ridiculous to drive all the way (5 miles) down there and just drive home. I knew what mom was doing. She wanted to go lie back down. She literally can lie in the bed day and night for weeks on end.
“Dr. Martin always only takes a few minutes. We never have to wait long.” I replied.
“I am so sleepy though and need to lie down.” Mom said.
“By the time you get home, you will have to come back and pick me up. You will not have time to lie down.” I replied in exasperation.
“Why can’t I just go lie down for a bit?” Mom asked.
I let out a big sigh and tried once again to explain to her the ridiculousness of such an endeavor. I had to use subterfuge in the end to resolve the matter. Even though my mother is almost 60 years old she acts like a child and you have to treat her as such.
“I need someone to talk to. I need you with me.” I replied coyly.
As predicted they called me back shortly and the doctor spoke to me. I am discharged from physical therapy and I almost jumped for joy at him saying this. It has been a long road to travel but I made it. My arm is almost back to normal.
After leaving, Mom pulled into a local bank.
“Why are you stopping here?” I asked
“We need to cash your savings bond from mother.” Mom replied.
When she had initially told me about this I thinking it was just a $20 dollar savings bond. My mom’s mother is notoriously cheap and frugal. I opened the envelope and I almost shit in my pants. It was eight $50 dollar savings bonds that were issued in 1972. The total return was $495 dollars after the interest was accounted for.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Talking about mental illness……
I have been thinking a lot this morning on this subject. I know I don’t talk about it much. I am afraid of being stigmatized because of it. The hardest thing about mental illness is watching a loved one suffer. I know when my mother’s schizophrenia first escalated itself my father was at a loss at what to do. They tried countless doctors and numerous medications but nothing helped. It’s a helpless feeling as you watch someone you love spiral out of control. It is also hard to argue with someone who has no control over reality. It is truly insanity in its most aggravating form for a loved one.
I will now try to describe how schizophrenia affected me. When I was married I would get on causes and would be delusional. I thought the television was sending me messages and controlling my thoughts. This completely baffled my ex-wife. She just couldn’t understand that I was sick. She would get really defensive about me not watching television as if it were a carnal sin not to do so.
“Everyone watches TV. Watching TV is normal!!!!” She would scream at me.
She just couldn’t understand I was sick. Schizophrenia is no different than any other disease of the body like cancer. The hard part is you cannot do an x-ray or blood test and find it.
I was also completely non-compliant with my medications. I thought they were trying to control my mind and would not take them. It is a vicious cycle but when you are sick you believe such crazy things. My ex-wife or father would hand me my medications to take. I would either put them off to my cheek or would throw them up. My ex-wife says she still finds pills around the house that I hid to keep from taking them.
When I become homeless I was under the delusion that everyone was watching and talking about me. The only place I felt normal and comfortable was alone in the woods with no one else around. I still struggle with this to a degree. My medications help immensely but I still have flashbacks to my old form of thinking. I have to carefully watch myself for this.
From time to time my illness would flare up more than normal. This was where I would have some of the more classical symptoms of schizophrenia. I would have long, drawn out imaginary conversation with myself. I would genuinely believe I had a conversation with another person. I can still recall these conversations vividly as if they really happened. It’s almost haunting when I sit here and think about it. I would also think that famous people were my friends and were going to do things to help me.
Right before I started to take my risperdal injections, I got it into my head that Tom Hanks was going to fly me to Boston to get medical care from his doctor. I would walk over to my parent’s house in dress clothes ready to go at 5 AM in the morning. I would say that his limo is coming to pick me up to take me to the airport. This frightened my parents. I can remember lying in the bed as my mother tried to talk sense into me and calm me down. She would try to get me to go to sleep.
At this time I also thought that Emeril Legasse of TV’s food network fame was coming to fix me breakfast. It seems so laughable now but then I firmly believed it. I really thought he was coming and would clean up the kitchen to prepare and make room in the refrigerator for the food he would bring. These things went away when I started to take my risperdal. I had to get a shot though because of my non-compliance.
Well, I could go on and on but this gives you an idea of what schizophrenia is like and how it effected me. It’s a vicious disease because it is so hard to treat and diagnose. Some people go for years on the streets homeless and delusional because no one can help them or they do not know how. The new medications today are a breakthrough for those of us that suffer and can change lives. I am truly luck that 30 years ago I would have been in real trouble. I will close now. Take care and take your medicine.
I will now try to describe how schizophrenia affected me. When I was married I would get on causes and would be delusional. I thought the television was sending me messages and controlling my thoughts. This completely baffled my ex-wife. She just couldn’t understand that I was sick. She would get really defensive about me not watching television as if it were a carnal sin not to do so.
“Everyone watches TV. Watching TV is normal!!!!” She would scream at me.
She just couldn’t understand I was sick. Schizophrenia is no different than any other disease of the body like cancer. The hard part is you cannot do an x-ray or blood test and find it.
I was also completely non-compliant with my medications. I thought they were trying to control my mind and would not take them. It is a vicious cycle but when you are sick you believe such crazy things. My ex-wife or father would hand me my medications to take. I would either put them off to my cheek or would throw them up. My ex-wife says she still finds pills around the house that I hid to keep from taking them.
When I become homeless I was under the delusion that everyone was watching and talking about me. The only place I felt normal and comfortable was alone in the woods with no one else around. I still struggle with this to a degree. My medications help immensely but I still have flashbacks to my old form of thinking. I have to carefully watch myself for this.
From time to time my illness would flare up more than normal. This was where I would have some of the more classical symptoms of schizophrenia. I would have long, drawn out imaginary conversation with myself. I would genuinely believe I had a conversation with another person. I can still recall these conversations vividly as if they really happened. It’s almost haunting when I sit here and think about it. I would also think that famous people were my friends and were going to do things to help me.
Right before I started to take my risperdal injections, I got it into my head that Tom Hanks was going to fly me to Boston to get medical care from his doctor. I would walk over to my parent’s house in dress clothes ready to go at 5 AM in the morning. I would say that his limo is coming to pick me up to take me to the airport. This frightened my parents. I can remember lying in the bed as my mother tried to talk sense into me and calm me down. She would try to get me to go to sleep.
At this time I also thought that Emeril Legasse of TV’s food network fame was coming to fix me breakfast. It seems so laughable now but then I firmly believed it. I really thought he was coming and would clean up the kitchen to prepare and make room in the refrigerator for the food he would bring. These things went away when I started to take my risperdal. I had to get a shot though because of my non-compliance.
Well, I could go on and on but this gives you an idea of what schizophrenia is like and how it effected me. It’s a vicious disease because it is so hard to treat and diagnose. Some people go for years on the streets homeless and delusional because no one can help them or they do not know how. The new medications today are a breakthrough for those of us that suffer and can change lives. I am truly luck that 30 years ago I would have been in real trouble. I will close now. Take care and take your medicine.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Mexican Train Dominoes….
I was out for most of the morning cutting the grass. I finally got my late grandmother’s old lawnmower running. I drained the gas and the oil and replenished them. I also changed the oil soaked spark plug. With just a couple of pulls it fired into life. As I was just finishing the back yard up drove Alaine. I turned off the mower and walked up to the driveway.
“Hey you!” She said as she stepped from the car. I could see Paige already sitting in the back seat.
“Do you want to come and play dominoes? We are going to get a game started.” She asked.
“Sure, I would love too. I really enjoy playing with you all.” I replied.
“Do you want to ride with me?” Alaine asked.
I hesitated. Alaine’s driving makes me nervous. I don’t want to make any woman readers angry but she drives like a typical woman. Worse than my mother to be frank.
“I need to take a shower and change clothes and then I will drive over in just a few minutes.” I replied.
Whew, I got out of this one today. I was lucky. Paige crawled out of the back seat to get in the front. We said our goodbyes and I went in to get cleaned up. I was a sweaty mess and had green grass stains on my t-shirt from emptying the bag on the lawn mower. I then jumped in the car and drove over to her house.
After arriving we moved around some chairs and got ready to play. Mexican train dominoes is a really fun game. It is one part luck and one part strategy. You have to plan carefully the order in which you lay down your bones(dominoes). I ended up coming in second out of four. Alain came in as the winner after thirteen rounds. At the end of each round you have to tally up the score of your remaining dominoes when someone wins. We all can get quite heated during this process. It is all in good fun though. We popped kettle popcorn and all drank some diet sodas during a break.
After the game, I was put on the spot by Alaine’s mother.
“Play me something on the piano.” She asked. “I do love to hear that old player piano getting played.”
My face turned bright red. I am very timid about performing in front of others but I relented just this one time. The only songs I knew by memory were a Duke Ellington Jazz ensemble, Amazing Grace, and the Peanuts theme song. An eclectic and odd mix I might add. I played them all back to back and made it through it without embarrassing myself. They all clapped and Alaine’s mom cried, “Bravo!” My face blushed an even brighter shade of red.
After that, I got on Alaine’s computer and fixed her monitor. It was very blurry and I calibrated the screen. I then got online and signed them up for the National Do Not Call Registry. They have been getting tons of telemarketing calls and it was driving both of them crazy. I assured them the calls would stop within a few days. After that I left and drove home. All in all it was a good day and I feel fulfilled. I like easy going days like today spent with friends. I am slowly regaining my social skills. Good night and I hope your Saturday was good as well.
“Hey you!” She said as she stepped from the car. I could see Paige already sitting in the back seat.
“Do you want to come and play dominoes? We are going to get a game started.” She asked.
“Sure, I would love too. I really enjoy playing with you all.” I replied.
“Do you want to ride with me?” Alaine asked.
I hesitated. Alaine’s driving makes me nervous. I don’t want to make any woman readers angry but she drives like a typical woman. Worse than my mother to be frank.
“I need to take a shower and change clothes and then I will drive over in just a few minutes.” I replied.
Whew, I got out of this one today. I was lucky. Paige crawled out of the back seat to get in the front. We said our goodbyes and I went in to get cleaned up. I was a sweaty mess and had green grass stains on my t-shirt from emptying the bag on the lawn mower. I then jumped in the car and drove over to her house.
After arriving we moved around some chairs and got ready to play. Mexican train dominoes is a really fun game. It is one part luck and one part strategy. You have to plan carefully the order in which you lay down your bones(dominoes). I ended up coming in second out of four. Alain came in as the winner after thirteen rounds. At the end of each round you have to tally up the score of your remaining dominoes when someone wins. We all can get quite heated during this process. It is all in good fun though. We popped kettle popcorn and all drank some diet sodas during a break.
After the game, I was put on the spot by Alaine’s mother.
“Play me something on the piano.” She asked. “I do love to hear that old player piano getting played.”
My face turned bright red. I am very timid about performing in front of others but I relented just this one time. The only songs I knew by memory were a Duke Ellington Jazz ensemble, Amazing Grace, and the Peanuts theme song. An eclectic and odd mix I might add. I played them all back to back and made it through it without embarrassing myself. They all clapped and Alaine’s mom cried, “Bravo!” My face blushed an even brighter shade of red.
After that, I got on Alaine’s computer and fixed her monitor. It was very blurry and I calibrated the screen. I then got online and signed them up for the National Do Not Call Registry. They have been getting tons of telemarketing calls and it was driving both of them crazy. I assured them the calls would stop within a few days. After that I left and drove home. All in all it was a good day and I feel fulfilled. I like easy going days like today spent with friends. I am slowly regaining my social skills. Good night and I hope your Saturday was good as well.
Of freight trains and thundershowers…..
I made the drive up to Waverly. Being able to drive again is such a godsend. It feels as if I have been oppressed forever and now I am free at last. I rolled down all the windows and felt the wind on my face and in my hair.
I pulled out onto the dirt road leading to the pond passing by the former home of my late great uncle. The house looks in terrible shape and is falling in on itself. I stopped on the old wooden bridge over the train tracks. I heard a freight train coming and wanted to watch it. This old wooden bridge was built in the early part of this century out of creosote soaked railroad ties. I am always amazed that it is still standing and in good shape. I stood there on the bridge as the freight train roared underneath me. I could feel the bridge shake under my feet. My heart pounded from the adrenaline. The squeal of the flanges on the wheels filled the air as the train rounded the curb. I stood there for a long time until it had passed and I saw the end of train device blinking further and further off in the distance until it disappeared around the curve. I got back into the car to the sound of rumbles of thunder off in the distance.
I drove out the dirt road and decided to forego fishing that evening and head on to my camping spot. It was going to come up a gully washer in a few moments. I parked the car in a clearing off from the dirt road and hiked up an old fire line “road” to my camping spot. This was the place I used to camp at when I was homeless sometimes. There is a nice level clearing covered with pine straw looking out on a field of broom sedge at the edge of piney woods. I hurriedly set up my tent and put all my gear inside. I got into my tent and started to unroll my sleeping bag and organize my gear. The thunder was growing ever louder in intensity as I sat there. I had the door open and looked out across the field and saw a line of heavy rain marching towards me. I could see streaks of lightening hitting the ground off on the horizon. Oh boy, here we go, I thought to myself.
The storm turned out to be one hell of a light and sound show. One strike of lightening was so close I could feel my bones rattle from the thunder. I winced and cringed several times with my fingers crossed. Heavy winds buffeted my tent and I was glad I took the time to push my stakes into the ground. The storm didn’t last long though and was over and gone almost as soon as it arrived. This is typical for the south on a hot and hazy summer’s day.
The sky soon cleared to a beautiful blue filled with puffy cumulus clouds. Steam was wafting up off of the land in the hot afternoon sun after all that rain. I set out to find some firewood and get supper started. After building a teepee of wood, no amount of trying would get the damp wood to start. It just would not catch fire. No hoboes for me last night. I ended up pulling out my little Coleman camp stove and screwing on a butane cylinder I had in my backpack. I made a poor man’s stew out of the ground beef, potatoes, and onions. It was almost like a hash but tasted surprisingly good.
I closed the evening by lying on my sleeping bag and reading a book as the sun set. The sky turned a beautiful orange and pink as the sun slid down beyond the horizon. Before long I was sound asleep with the book lying on my chest. I awoke early in the morning to the dark of the pre-dawn and just laid there for a long time. The night had turned really cool and I crawled into my sleeping bag pulling my camp pillow under my head. I laid there for what seemed like hours until the sky had grow light enough for me to see and I packed all my gear up and headed for the car. It was a great night and I am almost tempted to drive back out there again today.
I pulled out onto the dirt road leading to the pond passing by the former home of my late great uncle. The house looks in terrible shape and is falling in on itself. I stopped on the old wooden bridge over the train tracks. I heard a freight train coming and wanted to watch it. This old wooden bridge was built in the early part of this century out of creosote soaked railroad ties. I am always amazed that it is still standing and in good shape. I stood there on the bridge as the freight train roared underneath me. I could feel the bridge shake under my feet. My heart pounded from the adrenaline. The squeal of the flanges on the wheels filled the air as the train rounded the curb. I stood there for a long time until it had passed and I saw the end of train device blinking further and further off in the distance until it disappeared around the curve. I got back into the car to the sound of rumbles of thunder off in the distance.
I drove out the dirt road and decided to forego fishing that evening and head on to my camping spot. It was going to come up a gully washer in a few moments. I parked the car in a clearing off from the dirt road and hiked up an old fire line “road” to my camping spot. This was the place I used to camp at when I was homeless sometimes. There is a nice level clearing covered with pine straw looking out on a field of broom sedge at the edge of piney woods. I hurriedly set up my tent and put all my gear inside. I got into my tent and started to unroll my sleeping bag and organize my gear. The thunder was growing ever louder in intensity as I sat there. I had the door open and looked out across the field and saw a line of heavy rain marching towards me. I could see streaks of lightening hitting the ground off on the horizon. Oh boy, here we go, I thought to myself.
The storm turned out to be one hell of a light and sound show. One strike of lightening was so close I could feel my bones rattle from the thunder. I winced and cringed several times with my fingers crossed. Heavy winds buffeted my tent and I was glad I took the time to push my stakes into the ground. The storm didn’t last long though and was over and gone almost as soon as it arrived. This is typical for the south on a hot and hazy summer’s day.
The sky soon cleared to a beautiful blue filled with puffy cumulus clouds. Steam was wafting up off of the land in the hot afternoon sun after all that rain. I set out to find some firewood and get supper started. After building a teepee of wood, no amount of trying would get the damp wood to start. It just would not catch fire. No hoboes for me last night. I ended up pulling out my little Coleman camp stove and screwing on a butane cylinder I had in my backpack. I made a poor man’s stew out of the ground beef, potatoes, and onions. It was almost like a hash but tasted surprisingly good.
I closed the evening by lying on my sleeping bag and reading a book as the sun set. The sky turned a beautiful orange and pink as the sun slid down beyond the horizon. Before long I was sound asleep with the book lying on my chest. I awoke early in the morning to the dark of the pre-dawn and just laid there for a long time. The night had turned really cool and I crawled into my sleeping bag pulling my camp pillow under my head. I laid there for what seemed like hours until the sky had grow light enough for me to see and I packed all my gear up and headed for the car. It was a great night and I am almost tempted to drive back out there again today.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
The Cruise…..
I spoke to Alaine for a long time on the phone tonight. She told me that she is taking a cruise on the 4th of July. I want to go so bad but cannot afford it. It would be almost $2000 dollars. I do not have that kind of money. I told her thanks but I declined. She is going with her mother.
After we got off the phone, I had a knock on the door. It was Alaine. She drove straight over to see me. I gave her a big hug and welcomed her in.
“Hey you!” she exclaimed.
“Hey you back?” I asked.
We sat for a long time just talking. I felt kind of weird as if something was wrong. I felt a chasm between us.
“Why won’t you go with me?” Alaine asked.
“Doll, I cannot afford that expense. That is too expensive. I will just have to stay home.” I replied in a sincere voice.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear. It tickled and I laughed out loud. I giggled like a little school girl.
“I want you with me!” she replied in a sultry whisper.
“I want to go but you will just have to enjoy me here.” I replied in a whisper as well.
“You are no fun.” She replied with a pout on her face.
Ah, women. They are the salt of the earth and so hard to say no to. I have the money but the last thing I need to do is purchase a cruise for $2000 dollars. It would be too frivolous. I have to save that money in case things take a hard turn.
“Well, I will miss you. You know that?” she replied.
“I will miss you too doll. You have a good time and know that I am with you in heart and soul.” I responded.
We kissed good night and she left to head home. It was hard for me to say no. I would love to just get away and spend some time on the ocean. Eating all that good food and being with someone I care about very much. I will just have to live the experience by her description of the trip.
After we got off the phone, I had a knock on the door. It was Alaine. She drove straight over to see me. I gave her a big hug and welcomed her in.
“Hey you!” she exclaimed.
“Hey you back?” I asked.
We sat for a long time just talking. I felt kind of weird as if something was wrong. I felt a chasm between us.
“Why won’t you go with me?” Alaine asked.
“Doll, I cannot afford that expense. That is too expensive. I will just have to stay home.” I replied in a sincere voice.
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear. It tickled and I laughed out loud. I giggled like a little school girl.
“I want you with me!” she replied in a sultry whisper.
“I want to go but you will just have to enjoy me here.” I replied in a whisper as well.
“You are no fun.” She replied with a pout on her face.
Ah, women. They are the salt of the earth and so hard to say no to. I have the money but the last thing I need to do is purchase a cruise for $2000 dollars. It would be too frivolous. I have to save that money in case things take a hard turn.
“Well, I will miss you. You know that?” she replied.
“I will miss you too doll. You have a good time and know that I am with you in heart and soul.” I responded.
We kissed good night and she left to head home. It was hard for me to say no. I would love to just get away and spend some time on the ocean. Eating all that good food and being with someone I care about very much. I will just have to live the experience by her description of the trip.
Please calm down Jonathon……
I realize my post yesterday may have offended some of you. For that I am sorry. I try to lessen my cursing in my posts but sometimes I feel the need to do so. I wanted to make a point and I needed strong words to do it.
I used to enjoy reading the homeless guy’s website but some things happened to make me change my mind. I just don’t like seeing good people getting duped or taken advantage of. The turning point for me was when he posted about the homeless kid in New York who was living in the library. He said he wasn’t really homeless and was using homelessness to gain fame and fortune. That guy in New York never asked for your money by the way. He told people who wanted to help to give to charity organizations. It reeked of hypocrisy on the homeless guy’s behalf and forever changed my opinion of his blog. Well enough on that. I will let the issue rest and not speak about it further.
I’ve had a so so day. It has rained for much of the day and has been depressingly overcast and murky. I walked down to Piggly wiggly to buy some whole milk. I was dying for a frosty cold glass of milk. As I approached the store, there sat good old George in his car.
“Hey, hey man! Come here for a second.” George asked.
I hesitantly walked over and bent down to the window of the car. At least he no longer tries to sell me drugs. Tonight was still interesting though.
“What ya want George?” I asked.
“Hows dat ex doin?” George asked. “Are yall getting thangs straightened out?”
“Nope, we are still separated.” I replied.
“Do ya ever have needs?” George asked with a big goofy grin on his face.
“Needs? What do you mean?” I asked back with a puzzled expression on my face.
“Ya know, needs, like a woman. I can hook you up.” George whispered as he leaned forward to me. “I know some girls that will treat you right for a price.”
Dear god, here we go again. First he wanted money. Next he wanted to be my pusher and now he is a pimp and wants me to get girls from him.
“No thanks George. My needs aren’t that great. I’ve got a girl.” I said as I stood up and walked through the automatic doors into the store.
“Ya let me know brotha! You let me know!” George hollered back from the car. I just kept walking and didn’t look back.
I kinda chuckled to myself after that. You have to hand it to George. At least he is persistent and not a quitter. If he applied so much zeal to a real job the man would be rich.
I used to enjoy reading the homeless guy’s website but some things happened to make me change my mind. I just don’t like seeing good people getting duped or taken advantage of. The turning point for me was when he posted about the homeless kid in New York who was living in the library. He said he wasn’t really homeless and was using homelessness to gain fame and fortune. That guy in New York never asked for your money by the way. He told people who wanted to help to give to charity organizations. It reeked of hypocrisy on the homeless guy’s behalf and forever changed my opinion of his blog. Well enough on that. I will let the issue rest and not speak about it further.
I’ve had a so so day. It has rained for much of the day and has been depressingly overcast and murky. I walked down to Piggly wiggly to buy some whole milk. I was dying for a frosty cold glass of milk. As I approached the store, there sat good old George in his car.
“Hey, hey man! Come here for a second.” George asked.
I hesitantly walked over and bent down to the window of the car. At least he no longer tries to sell me drugs. Tonight was still interesting though.
“What ya want George?” I asked.
“Hows dat ex doin?” George asked. “Are yall getting thangs straightened out?”
“Nope, we are still separated.” I replied.
“Do ya ever have needs?” George asked with a big goofy grin on his face.
“Needs? What do you mean?” I asked back with a puzzled expression on my face.
“Ya know, needs, like a woman. I can hook you up.” George whispered as he leaned forward to me. “I know some girls that will treat you right for a price.”
Dear god, here we go again. First he wanted money. Next he wanted to be my pusher and now he is a pimp and wants me to get girls from him.
“No thanks George. My needs aren’t that great. I’ve got a girl.” I said as I stood up and walked through the automatic doors into the store.
“Ya let me know brotha! You let me know!” George hollered back from the car. I just kept walking and didn’t look back.
I kinda chuckled to myself after that. You have to hand it to George. At least he is persistent and not a quitter. If he applied so much zeal to a real job the man would be rich.
Homeward bound……
I had a wonderful night last night. I fixed a strong pot of coffee and poured me a steaming hot mug with some milk and sat out on the porch. I filled the bowl of my pipe with Sir Walter Raleigh and lit it. I inhaled the rich and hearty smoke as I took in my surroundings. The tree frogs were peeping and the relaxing call of katydids filled the air. Other than an overcast sky, it was a perfect evening. My eyelids grew heavy and my yawning increased. I walked back into the house. I turned on the air conditioner and curled up amid the covers on my bed. After not too long, I was sound asleep.
I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and rested. I sleep the whole night through without ever waking up. I really appreciate being able to sleep so well. For a long time after I first moved in my apartment, I couldn’t sleep. I would lie on the floor on top of my sleeping bag for hours in the dark. I finally got used to a bed. My accident forced this on me as it was too uncomfortable and painful to lie on the floor with a broken arm. I would have to lie flat on my back on the mattress to ease the pain and get some sleep.
I have a big day planned today. I have physical therapy at 11 pm and then I am going to eat at the hospital cafeteria. They have wonderful food there and it only costs $5 a plate.
Today will also be the first day that I return to driving status. My parent’s feel my arm is healed enough to be able to drive and are letting me borrow my late grandmother’s old car for awhile. I am headed to Waverly this afternoon if the rain holds off. There is a 70 percent chance for rain but it looks like it may be erroneous. The sun is currently shining and heating up the air.
I am going to gather all my camping and fishing gear and head to the millpond for tonight. I have the strong urge to just get away and get in the woods. I have to run by the grocery store and gather some provisions. I am going to make my favorite camp food, hoboes. Hoboes are ground beef patties covered with onions, potatoes, and carrots and smothered in a tomato/mustard sauce. You wrap it in several layers of aluminum foil and cook it in the coals of your fire after it has burned down some.
Well, off I go. I will write tomorrow of my experiences. I am going now to seam seal my tent to prepare for any rain and then I am heading to PT. Good day and be well.
I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and rested. I sleep the whole night through without ever waking up. I really appreciate being able to sleep so well. For a long time after I first moved in my apartment, I couldn’t sleep. I would lie on the floor on top of my sleeping bag for hours in the dark. I finally got used to a bed. My accident forced this on me as it was too uncomfortable and painful to lie on the floor with a broken arm. I would have to lie flat on my back on the mattress to ease the pain and get some sleep.
I have a big day planned today. I have physical therapy at 11 pm and then I am going to eat at the hospital cafeteria. They have wonderful food there and it only costs $5 a plate.
Today will also be the first day that I return to driving status. My parent’s feel my arm is healed enough to be able to drive and are letting me borrow my late grandmother’s old car for awhile. I am headed to Waverly this afternoon if the rain holds off. There is a 70 percent chance for rain but it looks like it may be erroneous. The sun is currently shining and heating up the air.
I am going to gather all my camping and fishing gear and head to the millpond for tonight. I have the strong urge to just get away and get in the woods. I have to run by the grocery store and gather some provisions. I am going to make my favorite camp food, hoboes. Hoboes are ground beef patties covered with onions, potatoes, and carrots and smothered in a tomato/mustard sauce. You wrap it in several layers of aluminum foil and cook it in the coals of your fire after it has burned down some.
Well, off I go. I will write tomorrow of my experiences. I am going now to seam seal my tent to prepare for any rain and then I am heading to PT. Good day and be well.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tired, Tired, Tired…….
I am so sick of appointments. I have so many every week. Today I am protesting by not going. I have to get my Risperdal shot this morning and that is it. That will be the only appointment that shall be graced with my presence.
I have two other appointments this afternoon. One is physical therapy and the other to see Dr. Kamath for a checkup. I am canceling those two. I refuse to go and I am tired of sitting for hours in waiting rooms.
Going to see Dr. Kamath is an especially horrible ordeal. You usually end up waiting for hours just for a 15 minute visit. That son of a bitch needs to learn time management and stop wasting other people’s time. I refuse to sit for three hours just so he can take 5 minutes to tell me I am not diabetic while reading my blood test report. I think if I was diabetic I would have known by now for Christ’s sake. Yes, I am not in a good mood this morning. I am ornery and irritable. I didn’t sleep well at all last night.
I have two other appointments this afternoon. One is physical therapy and the other to see Dr. Kamath for a checkup. I am canceling those two. I refuse to go and I am tired of sitting for hours in waiting rooms.
Going to see Dr. Kamath is an especially horrible ordeal. You usually end up waiting for hours just for a 15 minute visit. That son of a bitch needs to learn time management and stop wasting other people’s time. I refuse to sit for three hours just so he can take 5 minutes to tell me I am not diabetic while reading my blood test report. I think if I was diabetic I would have known by now for Christ’s sake. Yes, I am not in a good mood this morning. I am ornery and irritable. I didn’t sleep well at all last night.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
The Maid from Hell……..
I’ve had a good day. I walked over to my parent’s house this afternoon to check on my mother. She was watching her soap operas. How she can watch that tripe I do not know. I sat on the lazy boy and kicked my feet up. Both of their cats were wandering around aimlessly in the room. Occasionally they would get close to each other and hiss. They have lived together for years and still do not get along. They have a pecking order. I just sat for a moment and made sure mom was okay.
“Linda is driving me crazy!” mom said.
“Why? What is Linda doing?” I asked.
Linda is my parent’s maid and cook. Linda was out on the side porch sweeping it clean. I could hear her sweeping from the den.
“She will not let me sleep. She keeps telling me to get out of the bed.” Mom replied with a whisper, “She acts like a baby sitter.”
My mother can stay in bed for 24 hours straight if you let her since she retired from teaching. She has been trying to stay up in the afternoons and watch soap operas to pass the time until Linda leaves. I blame this on her Zyprexa. It is so sedating. I know in that I have tried it many times. I kind of chuckled to myself. Jeez, mom has real BIG problems I thought to myself. She lives a sheltered life. I do sympathize with her though.
The smell of baked chicken and onions filled the room. The den is next to the kitchen.
“What are you all cooking?” I asked.
“Linda is cooking me some baked chicken. She put onions in the dish. That is the smell.” Mom replied.
It smelled wonderful and made my stomach grumble.
“So do you want to go back to bed?” I asked.
“Yes, but I know I should stay up. I know you all worry about me sleeping so much.” She replied. “That and Linda will drive me crazy about getting up and doing something”
Linda is a spitfire and vocal. She lets you know what is on her mind. My father calls her the “maid from hell”. She does a good job though and they put up with her interesting character traits. She is an excellent cook and I look forward to walking over some days and eating her fare. It is a real treat not to cook and have supper warm and waiting on me. All I have to do is walk over and fix a plate.
I left after awhile and headed back to the house. I walked down to the Piggly Wiggly to grab some more Gatorades. I had an interesting conversation with “Cap with Tag” guy. That conversation will follow when I get some more time to write.
“Linda is driving me crazy!” mom said.
“Why? What is Linda doing?” I asked.
Linda is my parent’s maid and cook. Linda was out on the side porch sweeping it clean. I could hear her sweeping from the den.
“She will not let me sleep. She keeps telling me to get out of the bed.” Mom replied with a whisper, “She acts like a baby sitter.”
My mother can stay in bed for 24 hours straight if you let her since she retired from teaching. She has been trying to stay up in the afternoons and watch soap operas to pass the time until Linda leaves. I blame this on her Zyprexa. It is so sedating. I know in that I have tried it many times. I kind of chuckled to myself. Jeez, mom has real BIG problems I thought to myself. She lives a sheltered life. I do sympathize with her though.
The smell of baked chicken and onions filled the room. The den is next to the kitchen.
“What are you all cooking?” I asked.
“Linda is cooking me some baked chicken. She put onions in the dish. That is the smell.” Mom replied.
It smelled wonderful and made my stomach grumble.
“So do you want to go back to bed?” I asked.
“Yes, but I know I should stay up. I know you all worry about me sleeping so much.” She replied. “That and Linda will drive me crazy about getting up and doing something”
Linda is a spitfire and vocal. She lets you know what is on her mind. My father calls her the “maid from hell”. She does a good job though and they put up with her interesting character traits. She is an excellent cook and I look forward to walking over some days and eating her fare. It is a real treat not to cook and have supper warm and waiting on me. All I have to do is walk over and fix a plate.
I left after awhile and headed back to the house. I walked down to the Piggly Wiggly to grab some more Gatorades. I had an interesting conversation with “Cap with Tag” guy. That conversation will follow when I get some more time to write.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Meetings “R” Us………
I went to my AA meeting last night. It was interesting. We had a speaker meeting and a professor from a local college talked. You can find and meet people from all walks of life at AA. She was very articulate and dramatic. It made the hour fly by. She had an interesting story to tell and had lived most of her life as an immigrant in Canada. I cannot say too much as we are not supposed to talk about what goes on in the meetings. We do this to protect everyone’s anonymity.
I sometimes think of AA as a very successful cult. It has all the makings of one. You have really rigid set routines. Everyone speaks in an AA language. It takes awhile to get used to it and sometimes it can put you off. If I hear “one day at a time” or “it works if you work it” or “keep coming back” one more time my brain will explode.
As the meeting was almost over, I heard large rumbles of thunder outside. Oh crap I thought to myself. I had a very long walk home. It would take me almost 30 to 45 minutes. As soon as the meeting wrapped up I hit the sidewalk and started hoofing it. I could hear the strong crash of thunder all around me and see the flashes above the horizon. I finally made it home just as the heavens open up. Whew I thought as I wiped the sweat off my brow. I had made in home in a record 25 minutes. I was doing some serious speed walking.
I have physical therapy soon and I dread it. My arm is much better now. I can put on a belt without assistance and can actually wear button up shorts again. For a long time I did not have the strength in my left arm to button my pants. I can also wear button up shirts now as well instead of just t-shirts. I can get my arm far back enough to get it in the shirt sleeve. Well, have a great day and I will talk again later. I need to go grab a shower and a shave to get cleaned up for my appointment.
I sometimes think of AA as a very successful cult. It has all the makings of one. You have really rigid set routines. Everyone speaks in an AA language. It takes awhile to get used to it and sometimes it can put you off. If I hear “one day at a time” or “it works if you work it” or “keep coming back” one more time my brain will explode.
As the meeting was almost over, I heard large rumbles of thunder outside. Oh crap I thought to myself. I had a very long walk home. It would take me almost 30 to 45 minutes. As soon as the meeting wrapped up I hit the sidewalk and started hoofing it. I could hear the strong crash of thunder all around me and see the flashes above the horizon. I finally made it home just as the heavens open up. Whew I thought as I wiped the sweat off my brow. I had made in home in a record 25 minutes. I was doing some serious speed walking.
I have physical therapy soon and I dread it. My arm is much better now. I can put on a belt without assistance and can actually wear button up shorts again. For a long time I did not have the strength in my left arm to button my pants. I can also wear button up shirts now as well instead of just t-shirts. I can get my arm far back enough to get it in the shirt sleeve. Well, have a great day and I will talk again later. I need to go grab a shower and a shave to get cleaned up for my appointment.
Saturday, June 19, 2004
A moment of peace…..
I went camping last night. I just had to get away and get into the woods. It was almost dark when I found my camping spot after hiking a long while. I wanted to be alone and isolated. I can find peace and solitude in going out for awhile.
I stumbled around for a bit finding a good level spot and took off my backpack. I then set about looking for some firewood before it got too dark. Before long, I had an armful of dead wood and carried it back to camp. I cleared a spot of leaves until it was bare ground and looked around for some rocks to make a ring. I then got a fire started for supper.
I set up my tent and looked upwards. The sky was pink with an orange glow on the horizon. It was a beautiful and serene sight. The woods smelled of pine and leaves. I took in a deep breath and soaked it all in. I could hear the nearby trickle of a stream in the distance. Now this is living I thought to myself.
I sat for a long time smoking my pipe and just thinking. The fire was crackling, roaring and popping. I had to sit a distance away because it was too hot. The updraft from the fire made the leaves shimmer and shake above me in the glow of the fire.
I heard my first katydid last night. For those of you not familiar with the south, a katydid is a very large insect that looks like a locust. It makes a sound that is its namesake. It sounds just like “Katy did”. They only call after dark. It was calling for a mate. In a few more weeks the woods will be filled with this call as more mature to adults.
That sound brought on a wave of nostalgia. When I was a child, I would stay over with my grandmother. She would love to fix us both a cold glass of sweet tea wrapped in a paper towel and we would sit out on the front porch in rocking chairs and listen to the katydids at night after the sun set. We would talk and wind down our days before heading to bed.
After sitting for a long time and watching the fire, I headed to bed. It was oppressively hot and humid. I pulled out my camp throw blanket and lay on top of my sleeping bag with it on top of me. I laid there and thought for a long time. I thought about all that has happened to me. I started to cry and sob quietly. I want so much and the thought of all I have lost makes me sad. I thought about my failed marriage. I thought about not having a job. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
This morning I woke up about seven and trudged back home. I wanted to stay but I needed to get home in case Alaine called and wanted to do something. She is off on the weekends. I still haven’t heard from her but the day is young still. I will just wait and be patient.
I stumbled around for a bit finding a good level spot and took off my backpack. I then set about looking for some firewood before it got too dark. Before long, I had an armful of dead wood and carried it back to camp. I cleared a spot of leaves until it was bare ground and looked around for some rocks to make a ring. I then got a fire started for supper.
I set up my tent and looked upwards. The sky was pink with an orange glow on the horizon. It was a beautiful and serene sight. The woods smelled of pine and leaves. I took in a deep breath and soaked it all in. I could hear the nearby trickle of a stream in the distance. Now this is living I thought to myself.
I sat for a long time smoking my pipe and just thinking. The fire was crackling, roaring and popping. I had to sit a distance away because it was too hot. The updraft from the fire made the leaves shimmer and shake above me in the glow of the fire.
I heard my first katydid last night. For those of you not familiar with the south, a katydid is a very large insect that looks like a locust. It makes a sound that is its namesake. It sounds just like “Katy did”. They only call after dark. It was calling for a mate. In a few more weeks the woods will be filled with this call as more mature to adults.
That sound brought on a wave of nostalgia. When I was a child, I would stay over with my grandmother. She would love to fix us both a cold glass of sweet tea wrapped in a paper towel and we would sit out on the front porch in rocking chairs and listen to the katydids at night after the sun set. We would talk and wind down our days before heading to bed.
After sitting for a long time and watching the fire, I headed to bed. It was oppressively hot and humid. I pulled out my camp throw blanket and lay on top of my sleeping bag with it on top of me. I laid there and thought for a long time. I thought about all that has happened to me. I started to cry and sob quietly. I want so much and the thought of all I have lost makes me sad. I thought about my failed marriage. I thought about not having a job. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
This morning I woke up about seven and trudged back home. I wanted to stay but I needed to get home in case Alaine called and wanted to do something. She is off on the weekends. I still haven’t heard from her but the day is young still. I will just wait and be patient.
Friday, June 18, 2004
The Drive from Hell……
Well, I made it to the doctor and back this afternoon. My psychiatrist is in Opelika Alabama which is about 30 miles away. My mother drives like a homicidal maniac.
We came so close to hitting a car getting on the interstate freeway. We were driving down the on ramp gaining speed and mom just merged without looking. I cried out, “Shit mom! Watch out!” The car swerved and honked his horn. I bet that driver had three feet of seat cushion up his butt. My mom’s hands were shaking and so were mine. I will be so glad when I get my car back soon.
My doctor upped my meds and I am to start talking to a therapist there once a week. I really shouldn’t pay for this but I am going to give it a go. I need someone to help me with certain issues; especially those surrounding my ex-wife. I need to learn how to cope with certain situations that push my buttons. I also need to talk in a therapeutic environment and with someone who can guide me. I am deeply skeptical of the benefits of therapists but will go and try. Who knows, it may help me.
Well, I must close for the evening. I have a crock pot of homemade chili that has been cooking on low for hours and it smells wonderful. I am ready to pour me a bowl and grab a few saltines and enjoy a hearty supper. Good night and be well.
We came so close to hitting a car getting on the interstate freeway. We were driving down the on ramp gaining speed and mom just merged without looking. I cried out, “Shit mom! Watch out!” The car swerved and honked his horn. I bet that driver had three feet of seat cushion up his butt. My mom’s hands were shaking and so were mine. I will be so glad when I get my car back soon.
My doctor upped my meds and I am to start talking to a therapist there once a week. I really shouldn’t pay for this but I am going to give it a go. I need someone to help me with certain issues; especially those surrounding my ex-wife. I need to learn how to cope with certain situations that push my buttons. I also need to talk in a therapeutic environment and with someone who can guide me. I am deeply skeptical of the benefits of therapists but will go and try. Who knows, it may help me.
Well, I must close for the evening. I have a crock pot of homemade chili that has been cooking on low for hours and it smells wonderful. I am ready to pour me a bowl and grab a few saltines and enjoy a hearty supper. Good night and be well.
Living in Chaos…….
I have not been feeling well the past two days. I caught how delusional I was yesterday by looking back at some websites I was reading. I realize now that what I was reading was not the same as it was this morning. I was also in a mode of mania yesterday and went full throttle all day and was exhausted by night. I got it into my head that someone was also changing my posts on my blog and come real close to closing it down. What looked different yesterday seems normal today. I did sleep well but had very strange and realistic dreams. I feel tired and worn out this morning.
I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist this afternoon. I am going to see if we can up the dosage of my Risperdal and maybe try some medications for OCD or bipolar. I think I might be developing a resistance to my medications and they are not working as well any more. I just have noticed some things this week and they seem to be progressing. I haven’t had any real bad spells with seeing things yet. It’s just that my reality and what really exists are clashing and sometimes I catch it like this morning after getting some rest. I did not see it yesterday and was delusional.
I hate that feeling of losing control so much. I felt so out of control yesterday. Like I was out of my mind or had no control of reality. I am just going to rest today and try to stay calm. I do not want to get sick again. Have a good day and take care.
I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist this afternoon. I am going to see if we can up the dosage of my Risperdal and maybe try some medications for OCD or bipolar. I think I might be developing a resistance to my medications and they are not working as well any more. I just have noticed some things this week and they seem to be progressing. I haven’t had any real bad spells with seeing things yet. It’s just that my reality and what really exists are clashing and sometimes I catch it like this morning after getting some rest. I did not see it yesterday and was delusional.
I hate that feeling of losing control so much. I felt so out of control yesterday. Like I was out of my mind or had no control of reality. I am just going to rest today and try to stay calm. I do not want to get sick again. Have a good day and take care.
Everyone has problems…..
Alaine finally called me. She wanted me to go walk with her out at the dam. West Point Dam was built in the late sixties and formed West Point Lake. They have a park and walking trail out there by the dam.
We drove out and started walking. I could tell something was wrong. She was being really quiet. It had that awkward kind of feeling when you do not know what to say.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked. “You don’t seem normal.”
“I have had a tough week. I don’t know what to do.” She said.
“About what?” I replied.
“About work. I am working full time and it is too much for me.” She replied. “I feel overwhelmed.”
I grabbed her hand and pulled her close. I gave her a big hug.
“Hey, it will be okay. Just talk to your boss. Things always work out.” I replied in my most sincere voice.
At this point we stopped walking and just stood there.
“I can’t do it. I can’t keep all those kids inline.” She said and she started to cry.
My heart melted and I fumbled for words. I didn’t know what to say. I had never really seen her cry. She always seemed so tough and on top of things.
“You talk to your boss on Monday and let it be known that you need less hours. You have a stressful job and you have a disability. They will understand.” I said trying to sound convincing as I wiped the tears from her eyes.
We started to walk again and she felt better. She just needed someone to talk to and she was afraid to tell this to her mother. She was afraid of being weak. We all are and I am as well.
We ended up finishing our walk and we drove back to my apartment. I fixed a quick and easy supper of some chili dogs and French fries. We sat at the table and ate and she began to loosen up and laugh. We ended up playing around on the internet. I showed her some sites I really like and she showed me some of hers. She is amazed at my computer set up. I built it all myself. She was amazed that I can capture and watch television on my computer. I showed her around.
After too long, she had to go home. I wanted her to stay but she was worried about her mom. She is frail and has a bad case of diabetes and Alaine feels she must see about her. I don’t blame her. She has a lot of responsibility that she must take care of. We said our goodbyes and hugged goodnight.
We drove out and started walking. I could tell something was wrong. She was being really quiet. It had that awkward kind of feeling when you do not know what to say.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked. “You don’t seem normal.”
“I have had a tough week. I don’t know what to do.” She said.
“About what?” I replied.
“About work. I am working full time and it is too much for me.” She replied. “I feel overwhelmed.”
I grabbed her hand and pulled her close. I gave her a big hug.
“Hey, it will be okay. Just talk to your boss. Things always work out.” I replied in my most sincere voice.
At this point we stopped walking and just stood there.
“I can’t do it. I can’t keep all those kids inline.” She said and she started to cry.
My heart melted and I fumbled for words. I didn’t know what to say. I had never really seen her cry. She always seemed so tough and on top of things.
“You talk to your boss on Monday and let it be known that you need less hours. You have a stressful job and you have a disability. They will understand.” I said trying to sound convincing as I wiped the tears from her eyes.
We started to walk again and she felt better. She just needed someone to talk to and she was afraid to tell this to her mother. She was afraid of being weak. We all are and I am as well.
We ended up finishing our walk and we drove back to my apartment. I fixed a quick and easy supper of some chili dogs and French fries. We sat at the table and ate and she began to loosen up and laugh. We ended up playing around on the internet. I showed her some sites I really like and she showed me some of hers. She is amazed at my computer set up. I built it all myself. She was amazed that I can capture and watch television on my computer. I showed her around.
After too long, she had to go home. I wanted her to stay but she was worried about her mom. She is frail and has a bad case of diabetes and Alaine feels she must see about her. I don’t blame her. She has a lot of responsibility that she must take care of. We said our goodbyes and hugged goodnight.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Helping the homeless ONE person at a time…..
I know I am writing a lot today. I have lots of free time today to think about things. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Should I become a homeless people’s advocate? There are no homeless people here. I have no one to help. I have only myself. There are no shelters or food kitchens in a small town like Lanett, Alabama. You would have to drive to Atlanta or Birmingham to find such things.
I have a firm view on the homeless problem. You can throw all the money in the world at it but it does no good. Even the famous “the homeless guy” said this in one of his posts. You have to help a homeless person on a case by case basis. Money will just get you a well fed and temporarily housed homeless person. You have to help a homeless person help themselves.
Not too long ago, I had the idea that I would start a mental health support group. It was based on the model of Alcoholics Anonymous. I even made out a flyer in preparation. I had it all set up and ready to proceed. I was at my sister’s wedding and talked to all my family about it. I was very excited. My father pulled me to the side.
“You need to help yourself first.” He said quietly.
I stood dumb founded and embarrassed. That sounded so selfish.
“What do you mean by that?” I said feeling kind of offended.
“You can help by helping yourself. That will go a long way to helping the problem of homelessness and the mentally ill.” He replied. “You have to get on your feet first to be able to help others. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.”
He was right in the end. I could help the most by helping myself. I took one more statistic off the streets and put him in a home. I started to take my medicine via shot and I stopped drinking myself into oblivion.
I sometimes fall into the delusion that my father is a son of a bitch and doesn’t know how to help but he helped me a lot by saying that. He is wiser than I let on. I had to take care of business at home before I started to help others abroad. That’s what I will continue to do. Someday I will be able to help others but for now I will concentrate on helping me get well.
I have a firm view on the homeless problem. You can throw all the money in the world at it but it does no good. Even the famous “the homeless guy” said this in one of his posts. You have to help a homeless person on a case by case basis. Money will just get you a well fed and temporarily housed homeless person. You have to help a homeless person help themselves.
Not too long ago, I had the idea that I would start a mental health support group. It was based on the model of Alcoholics Anonymous. I even made out a flyer in preparation. I had it all set up and ready to proceed. I was at my sister’s wedding and talked to all my family about it. I was very excited. My father pulled me to the side.
“You need to help yourself first.” He said quietly.
I stood dumb founded and embarrassed. That sounded so selfish.
“What do you mean by that?” I said feeling kind of offended.
“You can help by helping yourself. That will go a long way to helping the problem of homelessness and the mentally ill.” He replied. “You have to get on your feet first to be able to help others. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.”
He was right in the end. I could help the most by helping myself. I took one more statistic off the streets and put him in a home. I started to take my medicine via shot and I stopped drinking myself into oblivion.
I sometimes fall into the delusion that my father is a son of a bitch and doesn’t know how to help but he helped me a lot by saying that. He is wiser than I let on. I had to take care of business at home before I started to help others abroad. That’s what I will continue to do. Someday I will be able to help others but for now I will concentrate on helping me get well.
Confessions of a (formerly) homeless man…..
I met an interesting fellow today while sitting at the dentist office. He looked really young and clean cut. He was dressed very trendy and had salon styled hair. I would have never thought he could have ever been homeless. He was from Atlanta and had just moved down here for a job at the hospital. His name was Dave. He was getting his teeth cleaned.
I was reading an issue of PC gamer. I love that my dentist carries this in his waiting room. He must have a subscription as the latest copy is always in there. I have been debating on asking him if he games. It is probably his son though.
The guy sitting next to me asked me…..
“Do you play computer games?”
“Yeah, when I can afford to buy them I do. I play Battlefield: Vietnam most days and am currently tied up in The Temple of Elemental Evil.”
“Which game is that?” he asked.
“Dungeons and Dragons. I played the pen and paper version years ago and this is a translation of a classic D&D campaign module. It is neat to play such a faithfully transcribed version of that module.” I replied.
“Ah, I see, I think I have heard of it. I play lots of unreal tournament 2004 online. I like the assault mode games.” He told me.
I have been waiting to pick this up but the $50 price tag is too steep for me. I will wait a few more months and hope the price comes down as it usually does.
“I think I was the only homeless guy in America that could game online with high speed internet.” I said as I chuckled.
“You were homeless?” He asked.
“Yeah, for a several months and my folks got me an apartment after we did some reconciliation.” I replied.
I went on to talk for a bit about what happened to me. I didn’t mention my mental illness. I just told him I had lived in a tent during this past winter. I didn’t go into any real detail.
It turned out that he had been homeless for a short time as well. He said he couch surfed with different friends. He was gay and his parents were fundamentalist baptists and they threw him out of the house when he came out of the closet. They couldn’t come to terms that their son was gay. I was shocked. This sounded exactly like Crystal’s story minus any head injuries.
I told him about Crystal’s being_homeless blog and wrote down the internet address. I couldn’t remember it exactly but told him to search google for livejournal and being_homeless. I thought he would enjoy reading about someone who had similar circumstances and who went through hell because of it.
It can be a small world sometimes. By this time, they had called my name and I had to go back to the torture room as I affectionately call it. Luckily today was not so bad.
I was reading an issue of PC gamer. I love that my dentist carries this in his waiting room. He must have a subscription as the latest copy is always in there. I have been debating on asking him if he games. It is probably his son though.
The guy sitting next to me asked me…..
“Do you play computer games?”
“Yeah, when I can afford to buy them I do. I play Battlefield: Vietnam most days and am currently tied up in The Temple of Elemental Evil.”
“Which game is that?” he asked.
“Dungeons and Dragons. I played the pen and paper version years ago and this is a translation of a classic D&D campaign module. It is neat to play such a faithfully transcribed version of that module.” I replied.
“Ah, I see, I think I have heard of it. I play lots of unreal tournament 2004 online. I like the assault mode games.” He told me.
I have been waiting to pick this up but the $50 price tag is too steep for me. I will wait a few more months and hope the price comes down as it usually does.
“I think I was the only homeless guy in America that could game online with high speed internet.” I said as I chuckled.
“You were homeless?” He asked.
“Yeah, for a several months and my folks got me an apartment after we did some reconciliation.” I replied.
I went on to talk for a bit about what happened to me. I didn’t mention my mental illness. I just told him I had lived in a tent during this past winter. I didn’t go into any real detail.
It turned out that he had been homeless for a short time as well. He said he couch surfed with different friends. He was gay and his parents were fundamentalist baptists and they threw him out of the house when he came out of the closet. They couldn’t come to terms that their son was gay. I was shocked. This sounded exactly like Crystal’s story minus any head injuries.
I told him about Crystal’s being_homeless blog and wrote down the internet address. I couldn’t remember it exactly but told him to search google for livejournal and being_homeless. I thought he would enjoy reading about someone who had similar circumstances and who went through hell because of it.
It can be a small world sometimes. By this time, they had called my name and I had to go back to the torture room as I affectionately call it. Luckily today was not so bad.
Golden Teeth…..
Well that’s what it feels like after how much this has cost. I will say again, take care of your teeth folks. Yes, I had a dentist visit. They made upper and lower impressions for a bridge that goes in next week. Total cost = $845 bucks. I think and I am going to lie on the bed and sob. :P I will be paying for these teeth for years. I will have dentures by the time I get my current teeth paid for. Oh well, they sure as hell look better and it’s nice to live without pain for a change. I can drink cold water and not wince. Thanks, Dr. Etherton.
At first, I didn’t want to go to the dentist because I was embarrassed about the condition of my teeth. I realize now that he didn’t worry about that at all. I was a virtual goldmine in repairs for a dentist. He was glad to see me. I think I just paid for part of one of his kid’s private school tuition. LOL
Well, let me get some lunch started. I am starving. I’m going to cook some cubed steak and gravy and fix some home made biscuits. I will just have some steamed broccoli as a side. Good bye for just a bit.
At first, I didn’t want to go to the dentist because I was embarrassed about the condition of my teeth. I realize now that he didn’t worry about that at all. I was a virtual goldmine in repairs for a dentist. He was glad to see me. I think I just paid for part of one of his kid’s private school tuition. LOL
Well, let me get some lunch started. I am starving. I’m going to cook some cubed steak and gravy and fix some home made biscuits. I will just have some steamed broccoli as a side. Good bye for just a bit.
Living in a vacuum…….
I got an email this morning from a friend. He was talking about the 9/11 commissions findings on Iraq’s involvement in the terrorist attacks. I just heard about it.
I do not watch the news and have distanced myself from the media. I get tired of the constant fear mongering and lax reporting. I rarely even read a newspaper most days now. I feel that if something is truly important I will hear about via word of mouth. Today was a case in point. I carefully control what enters my head and mainly use the internet so I can chose what I read.
I wrote back that I was not surprised at all. I said only a simpleton could believe that Iraq had anything to do with that. They were no more of a threat than North Korea or Cuba in my opinion. I was a carefully planned ploy to fulfill our current administrations ambitions. War = good for the economy. Good economy = re-election. Flawed logic but I felt this was our goal. I still feel this to be true.
Politics tend to bore me. I feel it is an exercise in frustration. I wrote a long paragraph back to Joe about my frustrations. I get frustrated with our current form of democracy and how our current system works. I talked about how politicians promise big things and then renege on them after election. I said that due to our current choices in politicians the majority tend to just walk in, put an X down on a popular choice and walk away for four more years. Our apathy with the truth and with politics keeps giving us the same lack luster administrations over and over, republican and democrat alike. There is very little accountability in our current system or it is terribly slow to be applied.
I have broken one of my cardinal rules with this blog by talking about politics. I try to stay away from it but this topic just hit home with me. I look forward to Joe’s reply as he is currently in Iraq and his stories are interesting. He says what is being reported and what is actually going on over there are vastly different. I trust him to tell me what is really going on. A captain in the Army actually on the front lines is a far more reliable source of information than cnn.com. I will trust in him for my news about the war.
I do not watch the news and have distanced myself from the media. I get tired of the constant fear mongering and lax reporting. I rarely even read a newspaper most days now. I feel that if something is truly important I will hear about via word of mouth. Today was a case in point. I carefully control what enters my head and mainly use the internet so I can chose what I read.
I wrote back that I was not surprised at all. I said only a simpleton could believe that Iraq had anything to do with that. They were no more of a threat than North Korea or Cuba in my opinion. I was a carefully planned ploy to fulfill our current administrations ambitions. War = good for the economy. Good economy = re-election. Flawed logic but I felt this was our goal. I still feel this to be true.
Politics tend to bore me. I feel it is an exercise in frustration. I wrote a long paragraph back to Joe about my frustrations. I get frustrated with our current form of democracy and how our current system works. I talked about how politicians promise big things and then renege on them after election. I said that due to our current choices in politicians the majority tend to just walk in, put an X down on a popular choice and walk away for four more years. Our apathy with the truth and with politics keeps giving us the same lack luster administrations over and over, republican and democrat alike. There is very little accountability in our current system or it is terribly slow to be applied.
I have broken one of my cardinal rules with this blog by talking about politics. I try to stay away from it but this topic just hit home with me. I look forward to Joe’s reply as he is currently in Iraq and his stories are interesting. He says what is being reported and what is actually going on over there are vastly different. I trust him to tell me what is really going on. A captain in the Army actually on the front lines is a far more reliable source of information than cnn.com. I will trust in him for my news about the war.
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