Dedicated to my friend Cheryl whose positiveness always inpires me and gives me hope.
I so liked coming down from my medications. It was interesting. It was novel. It was invigorating. I did have withdrawals -- a clammy feeling of flushness, a rush and buzz of the mind -- but it was livable. I thought I was feeling the real me, or at least I had hoped I was. I've been on so many medications for so many years that I no longer knew the truth. I also drank heavily and continuously while on my medications since I was in my early twenties. I couldn't discern whether my illness was caused by my alcoholism, or was I truly schizophrenic? The myriad of doctors I've seen only knew what was wrong with me by what I and my family told them. It was a guessing game. There were no tests for what ailed me.
I remember being diagnosed as schizophrenic. I was oddly relieved at news that would make most shudder. I thought I had found the answer to all my problems. The social aloofness and anxiety. The strange thoughts. The delusions of grandeur that spurred me on to wild flights of fancy. The paranoia of being watched and followed everywhere. Now they could medicate me and solve my problems. My panacea.
The problems didn't end though. I still struggled deeply. Nights would find me so lonesome with my only comfort being a bottle of tepid beer. Countless more drinks would follow. Alcohol being my only friend that made me feel better. It was a vicious cycle that devolved into increasing insanity despite the numerous medications.
There was a struggle this morning. A tussle. Tempers flared. Harsh words were said. Threats were made to cut off the Internet, take away my camera, and to withhold food and groceries from me. "Why do you want to hurt me? Why do you want me to feel bad?" I pleaded. I finally acquiesced and was driven down to my doctor's office to be injected with my anti-psychotic Risperdal. Thankfully, I feel no different after several hours. I feel the same. I was so concerned those terrible anxiety attacks would return as that medication coursed through my bloodstream -- an extremely potent dosage of 50 mg that is almost unheard of. So concerned I would digress back into that dull reality that had so plagued me.
My reality can be so harsh. That alone could drive a man mad. I must show gratitude for the things I have though. To be positive. To be a shining light in the darkness. To set an example for others like me who are mentally ill. Take your medications. Sit at home alone and quiet to not cause a family disturbance. Be the complacently medicated and mentally ill son -- a role I have to play to keep the peace.
There are harsher realities. Homelessness. Drunken downward spirals. Cancer. Death. It is so hard being positive amidst the constant crazy emotional onslaught from my family though. Positive, Andrew. Think positive. The day will be filled with joy despite a gloomy horizon. The human spirit can be so tenacious and unquenchable. I see that in myself today; drinking full from the cup of life. I am off to go and discover something new, vibrant, and interesting.
22 comments:
how often do you see you doctors? i would think it should be weekly or at least every 2 weeks with a psychologist or psychiatrist. they would give you the help with meds. maybe cut back on some instead of going cold turkey. or pick and chose which one(s) you could ween off of.
as for you father, he loves you and is just trying to help you. being a parent of 2 sons with adhd i struggle with my 15 yr old to take his meds. i know it helps him but sometimes he feels he doesnt need it. but i know he does.
((((andrew))))
First of all this is a great piece of writing. You tell the story so vividly. I feel the fury, the frustration, and the extremely reluctant acceptance.
I hope the writing of this helps you get past the emotions and have a good day like you said.
Emotions are a complicated thing, something we have to struggle with every day, the more life throws at us, the more multifaceted and deeper the morass of emotions we have to work through. I am proud of u for not letting the worst parts of life to defeat u. You are a fighter.
Ur friend,
Kyrie.
Well told Andrew. You do an awesome job of giving us an insight into the daily struggle you deal with. I'm happy you are back on your meds tho. Are you seeing a psychologist? Someone you can talk to about the frustration with your meds and how they make you feel? Someone impartial. ((hugs))
Beautifully written, Andrew. It helps us to understand your feelings about your medications. I am eager for tomorrow when you can talk about medications and dosages with your doctor. You can ask him why you require such a high dosage in the injection. I think it's shameful that your father threatens to take away the few things you love best, like your camera and your Internet. Blackmail is not the way to gain your cooperation. I like the ending of this post though, and I believe with all my heart that you can overcome your situation and find a way to make life meaningful and good! (((Hugs)))
I wish there was something I could do for you, but I'm always here to listen. And I do believe you will find beauty and meaning in this day. One day at a time, as you say. You have real friends here.
Andrew...you describe so well the reality of someone who deals with mental illness. I have some ideas that I am mulling over to share with you via email.I really do understand what you are feeling and thinking. I care lots for you friend...one of those days that it would be great if we lived close by each other.
What a raw and honest account of the difficulties you face everyday.
((hugs))
Andrew,
Your blog is about the human condition on so many levels. That is why we all relate to what you write in one way or another even though some of us don't walk in your shoes.
This post seemed to come right straight from your soul. You have an important voice and you have found a way to be heard. I really believe that in time you will be published.
I love the drawing too. You are an artist all around...
Have a nice evening and thanks for stopping by again.
Peace,
Lena
Was that a drawing of yours? If so I want to buy it!
B~
Barb,
No, CMJ was mistaken. I am no Van Gogh.
LOL see what I think of you? See the talent I think you have? Do you hear all of the positive comments being said to you as if you are sitting on the receiving end of your computer drinking the compliments, thirsting for more? Do you see and know how there are countless people sitting in your stands, waiting for a way to compliment you, or hear something positive? You my friend, are loved!
Be well, dear one
B~
There is something that just makes me growl inside when I hear about people being forced to take meds they don't necessarily want.
Andrew, I struggle with that. Do you need the meds, or are they just a convenience for other people in your life that don't want to deal with an emotional person? A real live human being? I guess only you can answer that one.
I'm glad you enjoyed the otters! yes, that's enough to make anybody feel a little better, isn't it? :-)
There has got to be a happy medium between you and your father. I'm certain you probably need some of your pills... probably the risperdal - but I wonder if all of them are necessary. I certainly can't diagnose you, but I have noticed a difference in you. You often are able to discern when you need help, but I'm worried for you. Perhaps you should try to talk to your doctor about re-adjusting your meds. I don't think that medicine is always the best answer and one can be over medicated. My aunt was the same way. She hated feeling sleepy all the time. But it was the only medicine that controlled her manic behavior. When she would stop taking it, she became dangerous to herself and very paranoid. It got to the point that I couldn't handle being her payee any longer.
I don't know what to tell you, Andrew. You know I care about you and I certainly want what is best for you. I wish you and your father could come to an understanding and that you and he could really communicate with each other. Just hang in there and take care of yourself.
The human spirit can be so tenacious and unquenchable.
You said it all right there dude.
Andrew, I found your blog while browsing a week ago... I am astounded by your frankness and honesty concerning mental illness. You are an excellent writer and photographer. A truly talented person. I take anti-depressents. I understand about being 'a non-person, someone with out feeling'. My brother died in July, and it was not until I deliberately went off the meds in mid-October that I was truly able to grieve the loss. Wish I'd done it earlier. I restarted them-- I couldn't function safely without them. Especially the insomnia/sleep deprivation combo-- I start to get paranoid. Your blog inspires me. One suggestion/question I have is: can you get your meds from another pharmacist? I mean, having your Dad as pharmacist-if the need for the meds weren't bad enough! There are professional reasons most doctors won't treat their family members. I don't know how small the community you live is, or if you would be able to drive to another town...
Wishing you peace,
P.
I just wanted to leave a comment saying I understand in a small way. Thank you for sharing
- Cameron
Hello Andrew! I love your writing.. it is becoming so vibrant and tangible for the reader. I am sorry you are having a tough time with your dad. Keep looking for the beauty around you and in yourself. Hugs to you friend!
I wish I could fix it for you...life is so challenging isn't it?
I wish for one day you could feel free of it all...that would be nice.
But you're strong and hold on!!
This was some post!
Always,
Crusty~
I'm glad you decided to get back on some medication. I know from experience that it's not a lot of fun but please don't give up. I've been through a butt-load of meds myself, including Zyprexa, and, just this year have finally found just the right combination of meds and life-style. I no longer dread taking my pills and can't imagine life without them! Losing my libido was a small price to pay - and actually I'm a lot better off without it! I can finally think with the other head now. :)
Hang in there, brother, and thank you so much for sharing these struggles with us, your devoted readers and friends.
Peace
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