I know I shouldn’t write about this but I am up and tired and I want to share this. I gave Alaine a key to my apartment yesterday so she could get in and use my computer when I am gone. I want her to feel that this is her home as well. She is free to come and go.
I was sound asleep and lying in the bed. I felt a warm hand slide up under my head and heard a voice.
“Hey you!” was the voice. It was very soft and comforting.
I felt someone wrap me in their arms and lay on the bed with me. I rolled over and it was Alaine.
“Hey doll.” I said softly.
I wrapped her up in my arms and felt her warmth. My apartment was freezing. I had the air conditioner on high. I was wrapped up under a lot of quilts. I love to feel the weight of all that cover on me.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered.
I don’t know why I whispered. I guess it was because I was just asleep. She just smiled and kissed me on the forehead.
“I wanted to be with you. I am lonely and mom is asleep.” She said.
I wrapped her up in my arms and held her for what seemed like an eternity. It seemed like decades. I held her close and went back to sleep with her in my arms.
I woke up a moment ago so as to use the bathroom. She is sound asleep in my bed. I write in spurts and felt I should put this moment on paper. I didn’t want to forget it. I want to savor it.
I am heading back to bed in a few moments. I hope I can get back to sleep. Good night and fare well.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Lazy summer day……
I spent a long time down at the river fishing. I caught some bream and then some catfish and put them back. I didn’t feel like cleaning any fish tonight and freezing them. I also worry about the pollution in the river from Atlanta and that can sometimes dissuade me from eating fish there.
Two older black men were down there as well near me. We struck up a conversation as one of them walked over to see what I had just caught. He offered me a bottle of Wild Irish Rose to have a drink. I declined. Cheap wine is not my thing. That stuff is downright nasty.
He had grey, curly, nappy hair and a grey beard and was wearing over-alls with a white t-shirt tucked in. His eyes looked yellow from age. He also had on big boots with the over-alls stuffed inside them. He looked like someone’s grandfather.
“What yo fishin with?” He asked.
“Red wigglers,” I replied. “I bought them down at Spectrum. The one going out towards the lake.”
“We be fishin with crickets.” He replied in a heavy southern black drawl.
His friend held up a stringer of bream to show to me. It was an impressive catch. They had both had a good day.
“Wow, you fellas have been busy. That is an impressive catch.” I sounded back.
He laughed and patted me on the back.
“What’s a white boy doin fishin here on the riva?” He asked.
I don’t fish down there often; only maybe once a week.
“Oh, I just love to fish and this is the nearest spot.” I replied.
“You walks down here or you has a car?” he asked.
“I walked. I live just up the road.” I replied.
He laughed heartily and sat down beside me and threw his line in. He turned out to be a really nice fellow and we talked for a long while. I gave him a few red wigglers when his bait had run out. He thanked me.
He had lived an interesting life and his wisdom was great. You can’t tell a man’s intelligence in the south by the way he talks. He may sound ignorant but has many a great story to tell you if you listen.
The mosquitoes were growing nasty so I had to leave and walk back home. They were driving me crazy. I bid my new friends farewell and set out to the house. It has been a good day and I am glad to be home. I think I will close the windows and turn on the air conditioner and wrap myself up in a good book while lying in my bed. Good night and be well.
Two older black men were down there as well near me. We struck up a conversation as one of them walked over to see what I had just caught. He offered me a bottle of Wild Irish Rose to have a drink. I declined. Cheap wine is not my thing. That stuff is downright nasty.
He had grey, curly, nappy hair and a grey beard and was wearing over-alls with a white t-shirt tucked in. His eyes looked yellow from age. He also had on big boots with the over-alls stuffed inside them. He looked like someone’s grandfather.
“What yo fishin with?” He asked.
“Red wigglers,” I replied. “I bought them down at Spectrum. The one going out towards the lake.”
“We be fishin with crickets.” He replied in a heavy southern black drawl.
His friend held up a stringer of bream to show to me. It was an impressive catch. They had both had a good day.
“Wow, you fellas have been busy. That is an impressive catch.” I sounded back.
He laughed and patted me on the back.
“What’s a white boy doin fishin here on the riva?” He asked.
I don’t fish down there often; only maybe once a week.
“Oh, I just love to fish and this is the nearest spot.” I replied.
“You walks down here or you has a car?” he asked.
“I walked. I live just up the road.” I replied.
He laughed heartily and sat down beside me and threw his line in. He turned out to be a really nice fellow and we talked for a long while. I gave him a few red wigglers when his bait had run out. He thanked me.
He had lived an interesting life and his wisdom was great. You can’t tell a man’s intelligence in the south by the way he talks. He may sound ignorant but has many a great story to tell you if you listen.
The mosquitoes were growing nasty so I had to leave and walk back home. They were driving me crazy. I bid my new friends farewell and set out to the house. It has been a good day and I am glad to be home. I think I will close the windows and turn on the air conditioner and wrap myself up in a good book while lying in my bed. Good night and be well.
Atkins, Carbs, enough already!
I am sitting here drinking an ice cold lemon/lime Gatorade. It tastes awesome and so refreshing. I love Gatorade and would drink it all the time if it wasn’t so expensive to buy. My thermometer is showing 86 degrees here in my apartment so today is a good day to drink it.
I have had a good day. I went to physical therapy this morning and made it through it. I am showing lots of progress. I soon hope to be back to normal. I will always have some limits in my shoulder’s motion but I am lucky to be alive after that accident. The police officer was amazed I could stand up and walk fine and that I didn’t have terrible road rash.
I had a conversation with my brother, the physician, this morning. We got on the subject of the Atkins diet. You see it everywhere now. Every time I go to the grocery store I see it all over the labels and all kinds of new products touting low carbs. You see all the fast food establishments advertising some new, crappy low carb item they are pushing. It aggravates me for some reason.
“So what do you think about the low carb phenomenon?” I asked him.
“It’s a fad and can be dangerous for some people.” He replied. “It will fade in a few months.”
“How can it be dangerous?” I followed up.
“People that have health problems may be missing out on important nutrition by cutting all those things out. People usually don’t know it but things such as carbohydrates and fats are important parts of our diets.” He relied.
“What is the best diet? I am trying to lose twenty pounds.” I questioned him.
“Moderation is the best diet. Eat a nutritious meal three times a day and eat in moderation. Also, exercise at least once a day until your breathing increases and your heart rate goes up. Diet and exercise are key to losing weight and there is no quick fix or fad to replace hard work and diligence.” He said.
“Thanks Doc! I will talk to you later bro!” I closed and hung up the phone.
That’s exactly what I have been trying to do. Eat three healthy meals and walk many miles everyday. I think I will stick to that plan.
Off to the fishing hole I go. I am ready to get on the water and enjoy my favorite pastime. I will cast an extra line out for ya! G’day mates!
I have had a good day. I went to physical therapy this morning and made it through it. I am showing lots of progress. I soon hope to be back to normal. I will always have some limits in my shoulder’s motion but I am lucky to be alive after that accident. The police officer was amazed I could stand up and walk fine and that I didn’t have terrible road rash.
I had a conversation with my brother, the physician, this morning. We got on the subject of the Atkins diet. You see it everywhere now. Every time I go to the grocery store I see it all over the labels and all kinds of new products touting low carbs. You see all the fast food establishments advertising some new, crappy low carb item they are pushing. It aggravates me for some reason.
“So what do you think about the low carb phenomenon?” I asked him.
“It’s a fad and can be dangerous for some people.” He replied. “It will fade in a few months.”
“How can it be dangerous?” I followed up.
“People that have health problems may be missing out on important nutrition by cutting all those things out. People usually don’t know it but things such as carbohydrates and fats are important parts of our diets.” He relied.
“What is the best diet? I am trying to lose twenty pounds.” I questioned him.
“Moderation is the best diet. Eat a nutritious meal three times a day and eat in moderation. Also, exercise at least once a day until your breathing increases and your heart rate goes up. Diet and exercise are key to losing weight and there is no quick fix or fad to replace hard work and diligence.” He said.
“Thanks Doc! I will talk to you later bro!” I closed and hung up the phone.
That’s exactly what I have been trying to do. Eat three healthy meals and walk many miles everyday. I think I will stick to that plan.
Off to the fishing hole I go. I am ready to get on the water and enjoy my favorite pastime. I will cast an extra line out for ya! G’day mates!
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Sweet bliss…..
Not all things on the Andrew’s blog are morose. I have good moments as well. I have had a tough go of things lately and it’s nice to have a respite.
Alaine came over tonight. For those of you just reading, Alaine has a disability as well and is on SSDI. She understands me and I understand her. We have connected and feel we can trust each other with our most intimate details. I met her online of all places and she has become a fast friend and my lover.
We sat on my couch for awhile and just talked. I brushed her hair out of her eyes and told her about my day. It is so nice to have someone to talk to that is real and understands.
“How was your day?” She asked.
“Not so good doll. I have had a tough time.” I replied.
“Well, it is better now that I am here right?” She said while laughing and giggling.
We were being silly.
“Oh, you are a stinker I cried out!!!!” while I laughed as well and did my best impression of my father tickling me as a child.
She screamed with glee.
“You are a silly billy!!!” I cried out and tickled her some more.
By this time she was crying with laughter and I was as well.
Oh such sweet laughter. It was a joy and needed thing. I miss you so much and when I find you I cherish you. May you all find laughter in your life every day.
Grumpy is signing out. I’ve got business to take care of. :^)
Alaine came over tonight. For those of you just reading, Alaine has a disability as well and is on SSDI. She understands me and I understand her. We have connected and feel we can trust each other with our most intimate details. I met her online of all places and she has become a fast friend and my lover.
We sat on my couch for awhile and just talked. I brushed her hair out of her eyes and told her about my day. It is so nice to have someone to talk to that is real and understands.
“How was your day?” She asked.
“Not so good doll. I have had a tough time.” I replied.
“Well, it is better now that I am here right?” She said while laughing and giggling.
We were being silly.
“Oh, you are a stinker I cried out!!!!” while I laughed as well and did my best impression of my father tickling me as a child.
She screamed with glee.
“You are a silly billy!!!” I cried out and tickled her some more.
By this time she was crying with laughter and I was as well.
Oh such sweet laughter. It was a joy and needed thing. I miss you so much and when I find you I cherish you. May you all find laughter in your life every day.
Grumpy is signing out. I’ve got business to take care of. :^)
Relapse...
I think I am having a relapse with my schizophrenia. I am having a hard time focusing or spending any time with something. I have seen things all day and heard things. I am fighting it. I try so hard.
I have had several non-existent conversations today. I talked to my wife for hours. I thought she was in a porno film and I tried to dissuade her. I know this is not right. I know this is wrong. I love her so much and don’t want her to hate me. I didn’t ask for this. I want to be normal. I always tried so very hard to see about her. I gave her money. I cut the grass. I cooked all the meals. It is not fair.
I called her this evening asking if she was pregnant. I had in my mind that she was pregnant by another guy. She cannot have children. It is crazy. I got it in my mind though and she was dumb struck by my call. She told me she was calling my father and my doctor.
I don’t want them over here. I want to be alone. Only alone am I safe. I do not want to go to the hospital. They can’t help me. They only sedate me. I am crying. I do not want to fuck up all that I have worked for, for months.
I have been obsessed with body language. I have searched for hours on the web to find information. Nothing satisfies me. I think I read body language wrong and that is part of my problem. I do not see it. It miffs me. Maybe if I read the signals right then I can read any situation. I want to be prepared. I am scared.
I have had several non-existent conversations today. I talked to my wife for hours. I thought she was in a porno film and I tried to dissuade her. I know this is not right. I know this is wrong. I love her so much and don’t want her to hate me. I didn’t ask for this. I want to be normal. I always tried so very hard to see about her. I gave her money. I cut the grass. I cooked all the meals. It is not fair.
I called her this evening asking if she was pregnant. I had in my mind that she was pregnant by another guy. She cannot have children. It is crazy. I got it in my mind though and she was dumb struck by my call. She told me she was calling my father and my doctor.
I don’t want them over here. I want to be alone. Only alone am I safe. I do not want to go to the hospital. They can’t help me. They only sedate me. I am crying. I do not want to fuck up all that I have worked for, for months.
I have been obsessed with body language. I have searched for hours on the web to find information. Nothing satisfies me. I think I read body language wrong and that is part of my problem. I do not see it. It miffs me. Maybe if I read the signals right then I can read any situation. I want to be prepared. I am scared.
Relapse...
I think I am having a relapse with my schizophrenia. I am having a hard time focusing or spending any time with something. I have seen things all day and heard things. I am fighting it. I try so hard.
I have had several non-existent conversations today. I talked to my wife for hours. I thought she was in a porno film and I tried to dissuade her. I know this is not right. I know this is wrong. I love her so much and don’t want her to hate me. I didn’t ask for this. I want to be normal. I always tried so very hard to see about her. I gave her money. I cut the grass. I cooked all the meals. It is not fair.
I called her this evening asking if she was pregnant. I had in my mind that she was pregnant by another guy. She cannot have children. It is crazy. I got it in my mind though and she was dumb struck by my call. She told me she was calling my father and my doctor.
I don’t want them over here. I want to be alone. Only alone am I safe. I do not want to go to the hospital. They can’t help me. They only sedate me. I am crying. I do not want to fuck up all that I have worked for, for months.
I have been obsessed with body language. I have searched for hours on the web to find information. Nothing satisfies me. I think I read body language wrong and that is part of my problem. I do not see it. It miffs me. Maybe if I read the signals right then I can read any situation. I want to be prepared. I am scared.
I have had several non-existent conversations today. I talked to my wife for hours. I thought she was in a porno film and I tried to dissuade her. I know this is not right. I know this is wrong. I love her so much and don’t want her to hate me. I didn’t ask for this. I want to be normal. I always tried so very hard to see about her. I gave her money. I cut the grass. I cooked all the meals. It is not fair.
I called her this evening asking if she was pregnant. I had in my mind that she was pregnant by another guy. She cannot have children. It is crazy. I got it in my mind though and she was dumb struck by my call. She told me she was calling my father and my doctor.
I don’t want them over here. I want to be alone. Only alone am I safe. I do not want to go to the hospital. They can’t help me. They only sedate me. I am crying. I do not want to fuck up all that I have worked for, for months.
I have been obsessed with body language. I have searched for hours on the web to find information. Nothing satisfies me. I think I read body language wrong and that is part of my problem. I do not see it. It miffs me. Maybe if I read the signals right then I can read any situation. I want to be prepared. I am scared.
Comments are fubar this morning……
The comments on my last post are goofed up for some reason so I decided to write my reply here.
Plark, Stu, Pipe, thanks for your comments. I appreciate it. Sorry for my sob story last night. I was just having a hell of a day and my illness was acting up as well. I sometimes do not handle stress very well and I have a tough week ahead with tons of physical therapy and appointments.
I feel better this morning. I had one more beer and went to bed. I did not have a hangover this morning.
One reason I have to be so careful with my drinking is simple. It really doesn’t have to be about me being an alcoholic or not. My parents are very strict about this. One of the reasons I became homeless was that my father worried if he let me rent out this apartment, I would get horribly drunk and catch it on fire or he would get caught in some kind of litigation over me. It’s an irrational fear of his but I can see his side of the story. I never, ever got pissed drunk when I drank. It was mainly usually a six pack or a few more and then bed time. You wouldn’t find me selling all my possessions at the pawn shop for more money either and he worried for some strange reason that things would start to disappear around the house.
I have worked really hard to rebuild a relationship with my parents. They trust me now and even come over to see me many days. I fear I would ruin that trust if they came over here and I had a beer in my hand. They didn’t speak or have anything to do with me for a very long time and I am afraid to ruin all the trust I have won back. I have to be very careful about this.
I think from now on if I must have a drink. I will do it while camping. That way no harm is done and they would never know. (My folks aren’t coming back into the woods at night I assure you. They are not the outdoorsy types) I can put a six pack in my backpack and lug it with me. We will see how this solution works.
Again thanks for your comments and I hope you all have a great day.
Plark, Stu, Pipe, thanks for your comments. I appreciate it. Sorry for my sob story last night. I was just having a hell of a day and my illness was acting up as well. I sometimes do not handle stress very well and I have a tough week ahead with tons of physical therapy and appointments.
I feel better this morning. I had one more beer and went to bed. I did not have a hangover this morning.
One reason I have to be so careful with my drinking is simple. It really doesn’t have to be about me being an alcoholic or not. My parents are very strict about this. One of the reasons I became homeless was that my father worried if he let me rent out this apartment, I would get horribly drunk and catch it on fire or he would get caught in some kind of litigation over me. It’s an irrational fear of his but I can see his side of the story. I never, ever got pissed drunk when I drank. It was mainly usually a six pack or a few more and then bed time. You wouldn’t find me selling all my possessions at the pawn shop for more money either and he worried for some strange reason that things would start to disappear around the house.
I have worked really hard to rebuild a relationship with my parents. They trust me now and even come over to see me many days. I fear I would ruin that trust if they came over here and I had a beer in my hand. They didn’t speak or have anything to do with me for a very long time and I am afraid to ruin all the trust I have won back. I have to be very careful about this.
I think from now on if I must have a drink. I will do it while camping. That way no harm is done and they would never know. (My folks aren’t coming back into the woods at night I assure you. They are not the outdoorsy types) I can put a six pack in my backpack and lug it with me. We will see how this solution works.
Again thanks for your comments and I hope you all have a great day.
Monday, June 14, 2004
I come to you tonight a fallen man……
I broke down and started drinking tonight. I walked down to the Piggly wiggly and bought a twelve pack. I am on number seven as we speak and feeling comfortably numb. I have no cares or worries at the moment except when I am going to crack open that next beer. I feel a failure.
One thing I wanted when I started this blog was to be honest and sometimes too forth giving with my writings. I didn’t want to be like some of the other homeless bloggers I read every day that spoke in vague terms. They speak of things in sparing language and you don’t know what caused them to be homeless. You only see the picture they paint for you. I wanted something different than that. I wanted my readers to see what life was really like for a homeless man and how he got a home. I also wanted all of you to follow along with me as I try to build a new life. I wanted a success story. I am sorry I have messed that up tonight.
I have read the homeless guy’s website everyday since I became homeless when I could. I do not want to become another bullshit con-artist asking for your money. I am deeply opposed to that and that was one thing I had on my mind when I set out to start this blog. I have struggled with my opinion on his blog many times but it always comes down to it being a blog that panders to a certain set of people who are willing to fork over their money to a cause. That cause was putting a burger king biscuit in the man’s morning mouth.
I do not want your money. I just want to be okay. I want to live a normal life and love someone. I want to wake up in the morning in my own house and cook a simple breakfast. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail someday. I want a model railroad empire in my basement. I want a loving wife who cares about me and loves me back. I want her to understand that I have limitations and can’t be like a normal man. I want so much and it tears me apart inside.
I ask you now gentle readers. Appreciate what you have. Live your lives with gusto. Go out and try something different. Live your lives to the fullest and enjoy it. There are those of us that would gladly trade places with you and have your genes. We want it as well. If you have a wife that loves you and your limitations then revel in it. You have much more than gold can buy. If you have a home and a roof over your head then you are blessed beyond means.
I will close now and drink myself into a drunken bliss. At least then I can find happiness. It is fleeting but happiness is something we all seek and I want mine tonight.
One thing I wanted when I started this blog was to be honest and sometimes too forth giving with my writings. I didn’t want to be like some of the other homeless bloggers I read every day that spoke in vague terms. They speak of things in sparing language and you don’t know what caused them to be homeless. You only see the picture they paint for you. I wanted something different than that. I wanted my readers to see what life was really like for a homeless man and how he got a home. I also wanted all of you to follow along with me as I try to build a new life. I wanted a success story. I am sorry I have messed that up tonight.
I have read the homeless guy’s website everyday since I became homeless when I could. I do not want to become another bullshit con-artist asking for your money. I am deeply opposed to that and that was one thing I had on my mind when I set out to start this blog. I have struggled with my opinion on his blog many times but it always comes down to it being a blog that panders to a certain set of people who are willing to fork over their money to a cause. That cause was putting a burger king biscuit in the man’s morning mouth.
I do not want your money. I just want to be okay. I want to live a normal life and love someone. I want to wake up in the morning in my own house and cook a simple breakfast. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail someday. I want a model railroad empire in my basement. I want a loving wife who cares about me and loves me back. I want her to understand that I have limitations and can’t be like a normal man. I want so much and it tears me apart inside.
I ask you now gentle readers. Appreciate what you have. Live your lives with gusto. Go out and try something different. Live your lives to the fullest and enjoy it. There are those of us that would gladly trade places with you and have your genes. We want it as well. If you have a wife that loves you and your limitations then revel in it. You have much more than gold can buy. If you have a home and a roof over your head then you are blessed beyond means.
I will close now and drink myself into a drunken bliss. At least then I can find happiness. It is fleeting but happiness is something we all seek and I want mine tonight.
Rainy Day Monday……
It has rained for much of the afternoon. I am not complaining because we needed it. It’s as if I could see the grass and the trees turn greener before my eyes as they soaked up this much needed moisture. I stood outside in a soft rain and smoked my pipe shielding it from the rain with the brow of my baseball cap and my head turned downwards. The drops felt good but cold on my skin. I felt renewed and came in and changed my t-shirt.
I have had a personal musical revolution today. I have often wondered why I haven’t bought a music CD in years. (I have a huge collection from the early nineties) I do not listen to popular radio either. The music bores me and doesn’t interest me. I did something today that I said I would never do. I downloaded a peer to peer application called kazaa lite++ resurrection and started to look for music that interested me. I also looked around the web for bands that had a following and were not on my local radio stations. Within minutes, I had megabytes and megabytes of music to try out. From the Pixies, to Sloan, to the Mathew Good Band and many others, I had tons of neat music to peruse. I now know why the RIAA is so scared of these applications. I could find almost anything my heart desired and had it on my hard drive within a matter of minutes.
My ex-wife called earlier and we talked for a few short moments. She just called to check up on me. Our conversations are less than fulfilling. It amounts to me sitting there and listening to her talk about her day and what ails her. I want to cut myself off so bad but she still has A LOT of my personal possessions that I have no way to move here so I am SOL. I have to play nice until I am able to drive again. It is pure and simple politics. I have to play the nice guy until I get some transportation and start moving much of my stuff from my former home. She has my audiophile quality stereo system worth thousands of dollars and my large aperture Sony Trinitron TV. She also has much of my model railroading supplies like my expensive air brush system and all my rolling stock. I have to tread carefully and play nice or I fear she would damage them. She is a live wire when it comes to such things. I sometimes wonder who is more mentally ill; me or her and that is a good question.
I wrote a long letter today to the diocese in Birmingham about the pending annulment. I do not feel they have a say in such a matter in that neither I nor her were catholic when we were married. I do not feel they can have a say in such a matter in that it in no way involved them. I guess I am arguing semantics. We will just have to wait and see about the reply. I most definantly will not release my medical records for the diocese though. They can just go on my and her words and descriptions. That is none of their business.
Well, I must close for the evening. Sorry for my bad writing tonight. I don’t feel well and I did not proofread myself. If it sucks then just laugh and read on. I have a lot of stress on me right now and it is showing in all areas of my life. I want to just crawl under a rock and disappear. I want calm and peace among many things. Good night and may you be blessed.
I have had a personal musical revolution today. I have often wondered why I haven’t bought a music CD in years. (I have a huge collection from the early nineties) I do not listen to popular radio either. The music bores me and doesn’t interest me. I did something today that I said I would never do. I downloaded a peer to peer application called kazaa lite++ resurrection and started to look for music that interested me. I also looked around the web for bands that had a following and were not on my local radio stations. Within minutes, I had megabytes and megabytes of music to try out. From the Pixies, to Sloan, to the Mathew Good Band and many others, I had tons of neat music to peruse. I now know why the RIAA is so scared of these applications. I could find almost anything my heart desired and had it on my hard drive within a matter of minutes.
My ex-wife called earlier and we talked for a few short moments. She just called to check up on me. Our conversations are less than fulfilling. It amounts to me sitting there and listening to her talk about her day and what ails her. I want to cut myself off so bad but she still has A LOT of my personal possessions that I have no way to move here so I am SOL. I have to play nice until I am able to drive again. It is pure and simple politics. I have to play the nice guy until I get some transportation and start moving much of my stuff from my former home. She has my audiophile quality stereo system worth thousands of dollars and my large aperture Sony Trinitron TV. She also has much of my model railroading supplies like my expensive air brush system and all my rolling stock. I have to tread carefully and play nice or I fear she would damage them. She is a live wire when it comes to such things. I sometimes wonder who is more mentally ill; me or her and that is a good question.
I wrote a long letter today to the diocese in Birmingham about the pending annulment. I do not feel they have a say in such a matter in that neither I nor her were catholic when we were married. I do not feel they can have a say in such a matter in that it in no way involved them. I guess I am arguing semantics. We will just have to wait and see about the reply. I most definantly will not release my medical records for the diocese though. They can just go on my and her words and descriptions. That is none of their business.
Well, I must close for the evening. Sorry for my bad writing tonight. I don’t feel well and I did not proofread myself. If it sucks then just laugh and read on. I have a lot of stress on me right now and it is showing in all areas of my life. I want to just crawl under a rock and disappear. I want calm and peace among many things. Good night and may you be blessed.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
The annulment……
My ex-wife has petitioned the Catholic Church for an annulment. I have not been forth giving. They sent a form yesterday from the diocese in Birmingham Alabama to release my medical records. I will not release something like that to a third party. We were not married in the Catholic Church but in a Methodist church so I think they have no jurisdiction.
She called tonight complaining that I was being uncooperative. I laughed out loud heartily at that.
I had a few questions to ask…..
“Did you sleep with me almost every night for two years?” I asked her on the phone.
She hesitated.
“Well did you? Or am I imagining things.” I replied. “Or was it some delusion of sex brought on by my schizophrenia.”
Sex never enters into my problems with schizophrenia. I wish it did. It would certainly make things much more livable. I would much more like delusions of sex than listless, lazy cats lying around my apartment who are apparitions. That problem or the one of me staring at a wall for hours on end trying to decipher almost unintelligible hieroglyphics.
“I want to get remarried in the Catholic Church and I need you to cooperate.” She pleaded.
“I will not let you dismiss all we had together just so it fits into your new theological life.” I decreed. “I loved you and lived with you for years and now you are trying to sweep all that under the rug and start anew.”
“You can be such a stubborn asshole!!!!” she screamed back into the phone.
“And you can be such an uncaring bitch!!!!” I screamed back.
The line grew quiet and we sat there hearing each other breath.
“Listen.” I said. “You can have an annulment but they cannot pry into my private life and dissect me for your fun.”
“I want you to be happy but do not publicly embarrass me with such shit.” I replied.
She was crying really hard on the other side. It sounded pitiful. I thought the phone would short out any second from the tears.
“Listen, Rach, if they ask, I will be willing and sign some papers. I will. But don’t expect me to give out my whole life history just so you can say a marriage that lasted for years didn’t happen. I won’t go in with that.” I responded.
She snuffled and sniffed much and then said okay.
“Have you met anyone that should bring on this whole soap opera tonight?” I asked.
“No, I just want to be ready in case it does happen.” She replied.
“Jesus Christ!” I thought to myself. All of this bull shit tonight was over some phantom, future relationship. Christ, I am calling relationships anonymous if they have such a thing and going on the 12 step program for that.
“Good night, Rach and may you sleep well but I am tired and have had enough.” I responded and clutched my wallet in my hand. Good thing it is Sunday in the south as you cannot buy beer here on that so called special day.
She called tonight complaining that I was being uncooperative. I laughed out loud heartily at that.
I had a few questions to ask…..
“Did you sleep with me almost every night for two years?” I asked her on the phone.
She hesitated.
“Well did you? Or am I imagining things.” I replied. “Or was it some delusion of sex brought on by my schizophrenia.”
Sex never enters into my problems with schizophrenia. I wish it did. It would certainly make things much more livable. I would much more like delusions of sex than listless, lazy cats lying around my apartment who are apparitions. That problem or the one of me staring at a wall for hours on end trying to decipher almost unintelligible hieroglyphics.
“I want to get remarried in the Catholic Church and I need you to cooperate.” She pleaded.
“I will not let you dismiss all we had together just so it fits into your new theological life.” I decreed. “I loved you and lived with you for years and now you are trying to sweep all that under the rug and start anew.”
“You can be such a stubborn asshole!!!!” she screamed back into the phone.
“And you can be such an uncaring bitch!!!!” I screamed back.
The line grew quiet and we sat there hearing each other breath.
“Listen.” I said. “You can have an annulment but they cannot pry into my private life and dissect me for your fun.”
“I want you to be happy but do not publicly embarrass me with such shit.” I replied.
She was crying really hard on the other side. It sounded pitiful. I thought the phone would short out any second from the tears.
“Listen, Rach, if they ask, I will be willing and sign some papers. I will. But don’t expect me to give out my whole life history just so you can say a marriage that lasted for years didn’t happen. I won’t go in with that.” I responded.
She snuffled and sniffed much and then said okay.
“Have you met anyone that should bring on this whole soap opera tonight?” I asked.
“No, I just want to be ready in case it does happen.” She replied.
“Jesus Christ!” I thought to myself. All of this bull shit tonight was over some phantom, future relationship. Christ, I am calling relationships anonymous if they have such a thing and going on the 12 step program for that.
“Good night, Rach and may you sleep well but I am tired and have had enough.” I responded and clutched my wallet in my hand. Good thing it is Sunday in the south as you cannot buy beer here on that so called special day.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
In from the road……
I had a good camping trip last night. I got a ride over with Charles to the mill pond in Waverly and fished most of yesterday afternoon and camped way up in the woods to distance myself from the water. (I had a night of camping hell one time that I wrote about and learned never to pitch your tent just a few feet from the pond. Animals kept me up all night long including one very large snake that slithered a few feet from my head as I lay in my sleeping bag.) There is a small stream nearby and I filtered some water and caught some crawfish just for fun.
The fishing was great yesterday. I had a can of night crawlers and every one was gone by dusk. Every time I would throw my line in I would get a hit and the cork would sink under the surface. I ended up catching over ten bream and releasing all but two good hand-sized ones.
I cleaned and cooked the fish for supper. Cleaning is such a messy job and I walked over to the stream to do it. I coated the fish in some oil and cornmeal and then fried them till they were golden brown. I took the leftover corn meal and added some dehydrated onions and a pint of buttermilk and made some hushpuppies also. I just spooned the batter into hot oil in my frying pan till they were crispy on the outside and creamy on the inside. I had planned ahead and brought two whole lemons and used them to season my fish. It was delicious.
I love that feeling of being totally self sustaining. Be able to catch my own supper and clean and cook it. Most people never realize that the products they eat from the grocery store were once living things. They would be appalled at seeing a cow slaughtered or any other animal as well. We are so removed from that step due to modern technology and conveniences.
I laid on top of my sleeping bag last night and read by candle light. It was so peaceful and comforting. It was damn hot and humid though. It wasn’t till after midnight did the temperatures get comfortable enough to sleep. It was too hot to sleep in my sleeping bag so I just slept on the outside of it. I took off my tent’s rain fly and could see the stars through the leaves on the trees as I laid there in my tent. The sound of tree frogs and bullfrogs echoed across from the lake as I lay there.
Around 3am EST, I got up to take a leak and shake the dew off the old lily and scared a group of deer. The snorted and screeched off into the woods making one hell of a racket. This always scares the shit out of me and I stood there with my heart racing unable to use the bathroom until I calmed down. I wish they would do that cause out in the dark in the middle of nowhere they sound so insidious and not the gentle creatures they are. You mind can play tricks on you out in the woods like that.
Well, I am home now and will have to sleep indoors tonight. I am going to crank up my air conditioner after it gets dark and crawl into my soft, comfy bed. I am spoiled by a bed now as sleeping on the hard ground makes my back ache in the morning. I did it for months on end and got used to it one time. When I first moved into this apartment I would sleep on a comforter or on my sleeping bag on the floor. My, have times changed. Good afternoon and be well.
The fishing was great yesterday. I had a can of night crawlers and every one was gone by dusk. Every time I would throw my line in I would get a hit and the cork would sink under the surface. I ended up catching over ten bream and releasing all but two good hand-sized ones.
I cleaned and cooked the fish for supper. Cleaning is such a messy job and I walked over to the stream to do it. I coated the fish in some oil and cornmeal and then fried them till they were golden brown. I took the leftover corn meal and added some dehydrated onions and a pint of buttermilk and made some hushpuppies also. I just spooned the batter into hot oil in my frying pan till they were crispy on the outside and creamy on the inside. I had planned ahead and brought two whole lemons and used them to season my fish. It was delicious.
I love that feeling of being totally self sustaining. Be able to catch my own supper and clean and cook it. Most people never realize that the products they eat from the grocery store were once living things. They would be appalled at seeing a cow slaughtered or any other animal as well. We are so removed from that step due to modern technology and conveniences.
I laid on top of my sleeping bag last night and read by candle light. It was so peaceful and comforting. It was damn hot and humid though. It wasn’t till after midnight did the temperatures get comfortable enough to sleep. It was too hot to sleep in my sleeping bag so I just slept on the outside of it. I took off my tent’s rain fly and could see the stars through the leaves on the trees as I laid there in my tent. The sound of tree frogs and bullfrogs echoed across from the lake as I lay there.
Around 3am EST, I got up to take a leak and shake the dew off the old lily and scared a group of deer. The snorted and screeched off into the woods making one hell of a racket. This always scares the shit out of me and I stood there with my heart racing unable to use the bathroom until I calmed down. I wish they would do that cause out in the dark in the middle of nowhere they sound so insidious and not the gentle creatures they are. You mind can play tricks on you out in the woods like that.
Well, I am home now and will have to sleep indoors tonight. I am going to crank up my air conditioner after it gets dark and crawl into my soft, comfy bed. I am spoiled by a bed now as sleeping on the hard ground makes my back ache in the morning. I did it for months on end and got used to it one time. When I first moved into this apartment I would sleep on a comforter or on my sleeping bag on the floor. My, have times changed. Good afternoon and be well.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
The moment after choir practice…….
Alaine brought me home. Her driving scares the shit out of me. She has no peripheral vision in her right eye due to her surgery. She hugs the line and I think we are going to hit oncoming traffic. I grabbed the “Oh, Shit!” handle and held on tight. My knuckles were white.
After she brought me home, we sat in the car for a bit. She left the car running with the air conditioning on high. It felt so good but I was growing cold.
“Did you have a good time?” she asked.
“Yes, I did, doll. I had a good time.” I replied.
I was now shivering due to the air conditioning. I am not used to it. She turned it down.
“You have a beautiful voice and talent. I want you to know that.” She replied.
“Thank you.” I said modestly, “I know my voice is not what it used to be.”
“Well, you do. You should use it more often.” She responded.
I blushed and played the shy guy. I am not used to positive comments like that. I haven’t sung in years.
“Well, let me run and head to bed Alaine. I am tired and feeling so sleepy. Thanks for letting me go with you tonight. It was a lot of fun.” I replied.
She gave me a big hug and kiss and I stepped out of the car and shut the door. I walked to the house with a certain cocky step in my stride. I felt I could take on the whole world. She pulled out of the driveway and headed home.
“Good night gentle woman and know that a man cares about you very much.” I thought to myself as I opened the door and she pulled out of the driveway. I was soon asleep and slept until this morning.
After she brought me home, we sat in the car for a bit. She left the car running with the air conditioning on high. It felt so good but I was growing cold.
“Did you have a good time?” she asked.
“Yes, I did, doll. I had a good time.” I replied.
I was now shivering due to the air conditioning. I am not used to it. She turned it down.
“You have a beautiful voice and talent. I want you to know that.” She replied.
“Thank you.” I said modestly, “I know my voice is not what it used to be.”
“Well, you do. You should use it more often.” She responded.
I blushed and played the shy guy. I am not used to positive comments like that. I haven’t sung in years.
“Well, let me run and head to bed Alaine. I am tired and feeling so sleepy. Thanks for letting me go with you tonight. It was a lot of fun.” I replied.
She gave me a big hug and kiss and I stepped out of the car and shut the door. I walked to the house with a certain cocky step in my stride. I felt I could take on the whole world. She pulled out of the driveway and headed home.
“Good night gentle woman and know that a man cares about you very much.” I thought to myself as I opened the door and she pulled out of the driveway. I was soon asleep and slept until this morning.
A plug for Plark.....
I just wanted to tell you about an interesting blog that I enjoy reading. He updates frequently and always has interesting posts. I found his blog while browsing the links of The Frumpy Professor. (An excellent blog in its own right as well that you should check out.)
Plark is about to embark upon a grand adventure. He is going to move to the northern latitudes of China and teach English. I think you will all find this excellent reading in the days to come as he prepares and leaves to go to work. If you get some spare time then drop him a line of support and read about his adventures.
One of the great things about blogging is that we can form communities and support each other around the globe. We have a voice and are able to speak with this voice to those who choose to read us. I just wanted to voice my support for Plark and Pipe Tobacco's blogs. They have both been good friends even though we have never met or talked in real life. Man, this blogging phenomenon is something else.
You can read Plark here. (link opens in a new window)
Plark is about to embark upon a grand adventure. He is going to move to the northern latitudes of China and teach English. I think you will all find this excellent reading in the days to come as he prepares and leaves to go to work. If you get some spare time then drop him a line of support and read about his adventures.
One of the great things about blogging is that we can form communities and support each other around the globe. We have a voice and are able to speak with this voice to those who choose to read us. I just wanted to voice my support for Plark and Pipe Tobacco's blogs. They have both been good friends even though we have never met or talked in real life. Man, this blogging phenomenon is something else.
You can read Plark here. (link opens in a new window)
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Ordinary day...
Today has been an ordinary day. I went physical therapy and made it through another torture session. My arm is doing much better though. They hooked me up to a machine that had electrodes connected to muscles. It was the weirdest sensation but felt good. I then went by my father’s store and fixed his cash register. It was not computing tax so I re-programmed it to take out an 8 percent tax. He and Judy were happy to have both registers up and running.
Alaine called and I am going to choir practice with her tonight at her church. I look forward to this and us spending some time together.
Well, I will close. Sorry I don’t have much to say today and what I did was not interesting. I am glad it has been an uninteresting day. Good bye till later and be well.
Alaine called and I am going to choir practice with her tonight at her church. I look forward to this and us spending some time together.
Well, I will close. Sorry I don’t have much to say today and what I did was not interesting. I am glad it has been an uninteresting day. Good bye till later and be well.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
The copier guy……
My ex-wife called tonight. She just wanted to talk. We talked about her work as always and how stressful it is. I tried my best to let her know that she is lucky to have a job.
She then started in on the copier guy. I got jealous.
“He is so cute and everyone at the library is rooting for me.” She replied.
“Great!” I said apprehensively.
“I was hoping he would come back today but he didn’t.” she replied.
By this time I was ready to get off the phone. I have never flaunted my encounters with Alaine with her. It hurt my feelings. She was trying to hurt me. I didn’t take the bait though.
“Well, let me run Rach.” I said.
“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you about the copier guy.” She replied.
I thought to myself, “Yeah, right!” but I kept it to myself.
“I will talk to you later doll. I am tired and need to rest.” I replied.
“Okay doll, I didn’t mean to upset you. I promise. I will talk to you later.” She replied.
“Yeah, right!” I thought to myself again. That’s a bunch of bullshit. She wanted to flaunt it in front of me.
“Good night and good bye Rach. I need to run.” I replied.
She can sleep with the President as long as I don’t hear about it. I do not want to know and I would appreciate her not telling me. What is said is best left alone and not told. I do not flaunt me and Alaine’s adventures in front of her. I am very private about it.
She then started in on the copier guy. I got jealous.
“He is so cute and everyone at the library is rooting for me.” She replied.
“Great!” I said apprehensively.
“I was hoping he would come back today but he didn’t.” she replied.
By this time I was ready to get off the phone. I have never flaunted my encounters with Alaine with her. It hurt my feelings. She was trying to hurt me. I didn’t take the bait though.
“Well, let me run Rach.” I said.
“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you about the copier guy.” She replied.
I thought to myself, “Yeah, right!” but I kept it to myself.
“I will talk to you later doll. I am tired and need to rest.” I replied.
“Okay doll, I didn’t mean to upset you. I promise. I will talk to you later.” She replied.
“Yeah, right!” I thought to myself again. That’s a bunch of bullshit. She wanted to flaunt it in front of me.
“Good night and good bye Rach. I need to run.” I replied.
She can sleep with the President as long as I don’t hear about it. I do not want to know and I would appreciate her not telling me. What is said is best left alone and not told. I do not flaunt me and Alaine’s adventures in front of her. I am very private about it.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Decisions, decisions………
To drink or not to drink, that is the question. *laughs*, sorry for my bad Shakespearean pun but that is how I am feeling tonight. I struggle so much with it lately. I get so damn bored and have to fill my time during the day.
I feel as if I am caught in some sort of weird limbo; a different plane of existence where no other mortal man exists. I feel all alone and yet I am surrounded by many.
My father came over tonight. He wanted to talk. I had just cooked some supper and was about to eat. He sat at the kitchen table while I ate so as my food would not grow cold.
“How are you doing?” he asked.
I had my Risperdal consta shot today and he was checking up on me.
“I struggle everyday, dad,” I replied. “You make it look so easy.”
I opened my baked potato and poured in some A-1 sauce and a dab of butter. I fiddled for what seemed like 30 minutes adding salt and pepper to my taste.
“Well, I could tell you have struggled lately. We have not seen you for two days.” He responded.
“I know, I know.” I said with my mouth full of food. I apologized for talking with food in my mouth. I chewed my food for a minute and followed up.
“I struggle with the little things. The things you all take for granted. I want to be normal and have a normal life and you all go about it so effortlessly.” I replied.
“Don’t give me any feeling sorry for your self bullshit!” He exclaimed.
My dad can be blunt and a hard ass. I expect this. His days in the Army made him this way.
“I have paid over $2000 dollars to get your teeth fixed and you are living in my home. I expect you to get off your ass and help me in the yard. Get off your ass and do something with your life!” He decreed.
Wow, that’s a pep talk that didn’t sit well. I could feel my face flush red with anger. I bit my tongue and was a pussy. I am dependent on him and it sucks. I know how to play the game; the same game my brother and sister play with him as well.
I love that son of a bitch but he sure can piss me off. He acts as if he alone has known hard times. I have to bite my tongue. I wanted to say, “Take away your BMW and that nice house and put you in a tent and let’s see how well you fare!!!!”
He would be up shit creek for sure. I know the land and how to live on it. I have read countless hours on edible plants and frugal living. He lives a lavish lifestyle and it would most defiantly cramp his style. He would not know how to cook on an open fire or how to keep warm on a freezing winter morning. I kept my mouth shut though.
He got up to leave and head home.
“I will try harder dad.” I replied.
He gave me a hug and left.
I sat for a long time feeling despondent and a failure. I blame my genes and they are partly his. I got the worst of my mother and father as far as the genes go. I am fucked. Oh well, that is not the way to think. I will keep trudging forever forward with this life that has been granted me.
BTW, did I mention I want a beer? Yes, a nice six pack of a good German beer would sit nice around this time. Maybe some other time…..
I feel as if I am caught in some sort of weird limbo; a different plane of existence where no other mortal man exists. I feel all alone and yet I am surrounded by many.
My father came over tonight. He wanted to talk. I had just cooked some supper and was about to eat. He sat at the kitchen table while I ate so as my food would not grow cold.
“How are you doing?” he asked.
I had my Risperdal consta shot today and he was checking up on me.
“I struggle everyday, dad,” I replied. “You make it look so easy.”
I opened my baked potato and poured in some A-1 sauce and a dab of butter. I fiddled for what seemed like 30 minutes adding salt and pepper to my taste.
“Well, I could tell you have struggled lately. We have not seen you for two days.” He responded.
“I know, I know.” I said with my mouth full of food. I apologized for talking with food in my mouth. I chewed my food for a minute and followed up.
“I struggle with the little things. The things you all take for granted. I want to be normal and have a normal life and you all go about it so effortlessly.” I replied.
“Don’t give me any feeling sorry for your self bullshit!” He exclaimed.
My dad can be blunt and a hard ass. I expect this. His days in the Army made him this way.
“I have paid over $2000 dollars to get your teeth fixed and you are living in my home. I expect you to get off your ass and help me in the yard. Get off your ass and do something with your life!” He decreed.
Wow, that’s a pep talk that didn’t sit well. I could feel my face flush red with anger. I bit my tongue and was a pussy. I am dependent on him and it sucks. I know how to play the game; the same game my brother and sister play with him as well.
I love that son of a bitch but he sure can piss me off. He acts as if he alone has known hard times. I have to bite my tongue. I wanted to say, “Take away your BMW and that nice house and put you in a tent and let’s see how well you fare!!!!”
He would be up shit creek for sure. I know the land and how to live on it. I have read countless hours on edible plants and frugal living. He lives a lavish lifestyle and it would most defiantly cramp his style. He would not know how to cook on an open fire or how to keep warm on a freezing winter morning. I kept my mouth shut though.
He got up to leave and head home.
“I will try harder dad.” I replied.
He gave me a hug and left.
I sat for a long time feeling despondent and a failure. I blame my genes and they are partly his. I got the worst of my mother and father as far as the genes go. I am fucked. Oh well, that is not the way to think. I will keep trudging forever forward with this life that has been granted me.
BTW, did I mention I want a beer? Yes, a nice six pack of a good German beer would sit nice around this time. Maybe some other time…..
Annie Mae and Brother Ed……
Annie Mae was my favorite great aunt. She was cool and would let you get away with anything. She was the liberal one of the bunch. She could also pinch a penny till it screamed but she always seemed rich to me even though she lived on a modest income. Her income would be considered dirt poor by today standards. She was rich in life, love, and kindness though. I value those things more than money any day.
Annie Mae would always stay home on Sunday morning and cook lunch while we went to church. I always wanted to stay home with her. I hated going to church.
My grandmother’s church was a small southern Baptist church founded in the late 1800s. It was within walking distance of both my grandmothers and great aunts house. The preacher was known to us as Brother Ed. Brother Ed scared me. He would preach fire, brimstone, and damnation. He would strut up behind the pulpit up and down the stage like a cocky rooster while waving his bible in the air. He always seemed angry and mad at the congregation. His idea of preaching was screaming at the congregation and telling us we all better shape up or we would be going to hell.
Now that I am older I realize that it was all just a show and drama for the congregation. It was the most exciting thing to do on a Sunday in Waverly for the old folks. Brother Ed had a captive audience and put on a show that would make TV evangelists blush. The congregation would urge him on by saying, “Amen!!!” aloud at the proper moments as he took a breath.
Now and again, I would get lucky and my grandmother would let me stay at home with Annie Mae. I could forego putting on those scratchy and hot Sunday clothes and get to stay in my comfortable t-shirts and shorts. She would cook lunch while I would run around her huge back yard exploring and catching insects. I would pick strawberries out of the garden and eat them or work on my pitiful looking tree house.
I miss you Annie Mae. I hope the good lord in heaven lets you stay home and cook on Sundays. I bet he would enjoy one of your fried chicken and mashed potatoes with homemade biscuits dinners too. Go cook him a good one and know that we all miss you and love you as much as the day you left us.
Annie Mae would always stay home on Sunday morning and cook lunch while we went to church. I always wanted to stay home with her. I hated going to church.
My grandmother’s church was a small southern Baptist church founded in the late 1800s. It was within walking distance of both my grandmothers and great aunts house. The preacher was known to us as Brother Ed. Brother Ed scared me. He would preach fire, brimstone, and damnation. He would strut up behind the pulpit up and down the stage like a cocky rooster while waving his bible in the air. He always seemed angry and mad at the congregation. His idea of preaching was screaming at the congregation and telling us we all better shape up or we would be going to hell.
Now that I am older I realize that it was all just a show and drama for the congregation. It was the most exciting thing to do on a Sunday in Waverly for the old folks. Brother Ed had a captive audience and put on a show that would make TV evangelists blush. The congregation would urge him on by saying, “Amen!!!” aloud at the proper moments as he took a breath.
Now and again, I would get lucky and my grandmother would let me stay at home with Annie Mae. I could forego putting on those scratchy and hot Sunday clothes and get to stay in my comfortable t-shirts and shorts. She would cook lunch while I would run around her huge back yard exploring and catching insects. I would pick strawberries out of the garden and eat them or work on my pitiful looking tree house.
I miss you Annie Mae. I hope the good lord in heaven lets you stay home and cook on Sundays. I bet he would enjoy one of your fried chicken and mashed potatoes with homemade biscuits dinners too. Go cook him a good one and know that we all miss you and love you as much as the day you left us.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Struggling with privacy…..
I sometimes worry that what I write is too personal. I took down last night’s entry out of respect for someone I care about. I do not want to hurt her feelings and blather about our personal lives for the whole world to read. Some things are best kept behind closed doors. I wrote last nights entry to share with some friends but realized she may not like me posting such personal things on the web.
I found out some good news today. My grandmother bought a $50 dollar savings bond for me when I was born. It is now worth over $500 bucks. This money is much needed and I hope to use it to fix my car. I will be so great to be able to drive again.
I got off a release form to my congressman. He wrote a letter telling me he is going to work on getting me that back check. I should hear some news soon and what is going one. The consumer in me wants to buy computer stuff but that will just be a dream. I am going to save the majority of that money and start a savings account for future hard times. I must plan ahead and be frugal. I will use some of it to pay off some medical bills and for a few immediate needs but the rest will be socked away for the future.
BTW, how do you go about cashing a savings bond. I have never owned one. Can I just take it to the bank? If you know and drop by leave me a comment. I would appreciate it.
I found out some good news today. My grandmother bought a $50 dollar savings bond for me when I was born. It is now worth over $500 bucks. This money is much needed and I hope to use it to fix my car. I will be so great to be able to drive again.
I got off a release form to my congressman. He wrote a letter telling me he is going to work on getting me that back check. I should hear some news soon and what is going one. The consumer in me wants to buy computer stuff but that will just be a dream. I am going to save the majority of that money and start a savings account for future hard times. I must plan ahead and be frugal. I will use some of it to pay off some medical bills and for a few immediate needs but the rest will be socked away for the future.
BTW, how do you go about cashing a savings bond. I have never owned one. Can I just take it to the bank? If you know and drop by leave me a comment. I would appreciate it.
The visitor……
I got a phone call awhile ago. It was Alaine.
“Can I come and stay with you tonight?” she asked.
“Doll, my home is your home. Come on over.” I replied.
Alaine drove over and brought a change of clothes. She had a shower in my bathroom and stood beside me at my desk in one of my fruit of the loom t-shirts and a pair of panties on. She was lonely and just wanted to be with me. I felt blessed and grateful. I wanted her here with me.
“I am tired and am going to bed.” She said.
“Go to bed sweetheart and I will be there in a while.” I replied.
She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug and kiss.
“I love you Jonathon.” She said.
That’s the big word that we have never shared. I felt uncomfortable. Love? It’s a word that reeks of commitment. I gave in. I do care about her and I realized I loved her very much. I was scared to say it though.
“I love you too doll.” I replied, “You are very special to me.”
I held her there for a long time. I loved the smell of the Irish spring soap after she had the shower. I felt her soft, warm body against mine. I ran my hand up and down her back and she held me close. I kissed her on the cheek several times.
“You head to bed and I will be there in a moment.” I replied.
“Come and be with me.” She replied.
“Can I come and stay with you tonight?” she asked.
“Doll, my home is your home. Come on over.” I replied.
Alaine drove over and brought a change of clothes. She had a shower in my bathroom and stood beside me at my desk in one of my fruit of the loom t-shirts and a pair of panties on. She was lonely and just wanted to be with me. I felt blessed and grateful. I wanted her here with me.
“I am tired and am going to bed.” She said.
“Go to bed sweetheart and I will be there in a while.” I replied.
She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug and kiss.
“I love you Jonathon.” She said.
That’s the big word that we have never shared. I felt uncomfortable. Love? It’s a word that reeks of commitment. I gave in. I do care about her and I realized I loved her very much. I was scared to say it though.
“I love you too doll.” I replied, “You are very special to me.”
I held her there for a long time. I loved the smell of the Irish spring soap after she had the shower. I felt her soft, warm body against mine. I ran my hand up and down her back and she held me close. I kissed her on the cheek several times.
“You head to bed and I will be there in a moment.” I replied.
“Come and be with me.” She replied.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
A good day comes to an end…….
Alaine has been over for hours and just left. We cooked supper together. We made scramble burgers (sloppy joes) and I made a salad with a homemade dressing. You mix ketchup and mayonnaise and add some pepper. It tastes a lot like thousand island but better.
I also cooked some homemade French fries with the skins still on. I love fries this way.
I made the scramble burgers from an old recipe of my grandmothers. You brown some onions. You then add a can of pureed tomatoes and one teaspoon of sugar. You brown some ground beef and then add worcheshire sauce, mustard, and ketchup. You salt and pepper to taste and let it cook down until it gets good, thick, and bubbly
You butter and toast some hamburger buns and serve them hot with the meat sauce.
We lay on the floor watching TV on a quilt after dinner. We laughed and cajoled and had a good time.
“I think I like you.” She said.
“Well, I think I like you too.” I replied.
“Would you have ever thought you would meet someone on the internet like this?” she asked.
I laughed and said no. I met a woman once on the internet years ago and got burned from the experience. She sent me a beautiful picture and I fell in love with her. We talked for many months via the computer on dailpad with headphones to avoid long distance charges. One day, I told her I was going to fly out to San Francisco (Concorde, CA) and see her. She then panicked and revealed the truth. She weighed over 400 pounds and was house ridden and was married. I was devastated and it took me a long time to forgive her and just be friends. She died last year from medical complications due to her extreme weight. I always knew her as Patti but her real name was Teresa.
Alaine left a moment ago. She had to go to curves for women for her nightly workout. She is a fitness buff. She joked with me that we could put on a wig and makeup and sneak me in.
“Hell no!” I replied and laughed, “You are not dressing me up like a woman!”
I kissed her good night and gave her a big bear hug.
“Night Doll, you be safe driving home and call me tonight when you get back.” I asked.
“Will do and you have a good night as well.” She replied.
I sat out on the porch for a long time smoking my pipe and enjoying the warm breeze. I watched as the yard was lit up with thousands of fireflies looking like little green jewels sparkling in the dusk.
Good night and take care my friends and thanks for stopping by and sharing my life in words. I do appreciate those of you who take the time to write and give me encouragement and advice. You words never go unheeded or unappreciated.
I also cooked some homemade French fries with the skins still on. I love fries this way.
I made the scramble burgers from an old recipe of my grandmothers. You brown some onions. You then add a can of pureed tomatoes and one teaspoon of sugar. You brown some ground beef and then add worcheshire sauce, mustard, and ketchup. You salt and pepper to taste and let it cook down until it gets good, thick, and bubbly
You butter and toast some hamburger buns and serve them hot with the meat sauce.
We lay on the floor watching TV on a quilt after dinner. We laughed and cajoled and had a good time.
“I think I like you.” She said.
“Well, I think I like you too.” I replied.
“Would you have ever thought you would meet someone on the internet like this?” she asked.
I laughed and said no. I met a woman once on the internet years ago and got burned from the experience. She sent me a beautiful picture and I fell in love with her. We talked for many months via the computer on dailpad with headphones to avoid long distance charges. One day, I told her I was going to fly out to San Francisco (Concorde, CA) and see her. She then panicked and revealed the truth. She weighed over 400 pounds and was house ridden and was married. I was devastated and it took me a long time to forgive her and just be friends. She died last year from medical complications due to her extreme weight. I always knew her as Patti but her real name was Teresa.
Alaine left a moment ago. She had to go to curves for women for her nightly workout. She is a fitness buff. She joked with me that we could put on a wig and makeup and sneak me in.
“Hell no!” I replied and laughed, “You are not dressing me up like a woman!”
I kissed her good night and gave her a big bear hug.
“Night Doll, you be safe driving home and call me tonight when you get back.” I asked.
“Will do and you have a good night as well.” She replied.
I sat out on the porch for a long time smoking my pipe and enjoying the warm breeze. I watched as the yard was lit up with thousands of fireflies looking like little green jewels sparkling in the dusk.
Good night and take care my friends and thanks for stopping by and sharing my life in words. I do appreciate those of you who take the time to write and give me encouragement and advice. You words never go unheeded or unappreciated.
My Great Aunt Visits...
I got up early and helped Myrtis cook some breakfast. We had sausage and toast. She ate her toast with some homemade muscadine jelly. I also perked a big pot of coffee and she poured in some PET evaporated milk to sweeten it.
We sat for a long time and talked. She is like a treasure trove of family history. She was telling me the story of when my great uncle Walt got drunk one Easter and sent my father three Easter baskets. She also told me the story of when he was three sheets to the wind and got into the tub with all his clothes on. Walt was an interesting fellow. He went to Europe in his forties after being drafted and fought in the Battle of the Bulge. He was never the same after he got home my great aunt said. Something was just not right about him. The war and losing so many friends changed him.
One time, my grandfather and grandmother drove him three hours to Birmingham Alabama to the VA hospital to dry him out and get him some treatment. Later that day, after driving all the way back, they were sitting on the front porch talking. Up drove a taxi and out stepped Walt. They all had to scramble to get up enough money for his fare. He said he was not going to stay in some damn hospital and get poked and prodded for a week. I laughed as my great aunt told me this story. Walt sure was a character. I only remember him vaguely. He died when I was very young in the seventies.
We sat for a long time and talked. She is like a treasure trove of family history. She was telling me the story of when my great uncle Walt got drunk one Easter and sent my father three Easter baskets. She also told me the story of when he was three sheets to the wind and got into the tub with all his clothes on. Walt was an interesting fellow. He went to Europe in his forties after being drafted and fought in the Battle of the Bulge. He was never the same after he got home my great aunt said. Something was just not right about him. The war and losing so many friends changed him.
One time, my grandfather and grandmother drove him three hours to Birmingham Alabama to the VA hospital to dry him out and get him some treatment. Later that day, after driving all the way back, they were sitting on the front porch talking. Up drove a taxi and out stepped Walt. They all had to scramble to get up enough money for his fare. He said he was not going to stay in some damn hospital and get poked and prodded for a week. I laughed as my great aunt told me this story. Walt sure was a character. I only remember him vaguely. He died when I was very young in the seventies.
Sleepless in Lanett……
I cannot sleep tonight. I am bored and listless. I walked outside and smoked a cigarette. I could not find the moon. Maybe it is on the horizon and out of view. I saw several fireflies blinking in the night. I also heard the far off horn of a train. It made me long to hit the rails and travel.
I thought about the fireflies for a long moment. We called them lightening bugs when I was a kid. I would spent long moments trying to catch as many as I could and put them in a mason jar. As it grew dark, the whole jar would light up with a pale green glow. I laughed aloud thinking about my recollection.
My neighbors are up as always. They never sleep. Cars come and go at all hours of the day and night. I suspect drugs but keep my suspicions to myself. I can get up at four in morning and they are still going strong. They look like college kids and very young and are renting the house next door. I see the police often and suspect that there is more than meets the eye as far as they are concerned.
My great aunt is staying over here tonight. We are soon going to divide my grandmother’s furniture and things and she wants to make sure she gets her share. It is the first time she has been here since Christmas. She was the hard to deal with sister I have spoken about way earlier in my blog. I love her but she is a pain in the ass. She had several bowls already picked out and to take home. She works fast. She also washed all my clothes and for that I am thankful.
She wanted me to call a certain black lady to come and clean the house tomorrow. I lied when I said I would. I felt uncomfortable doing such a thing. She has not worked for us since my grandmother died. I will just tell her I didn’t get an answer in the morning. The house is clean anyways and doesn’t need that expense.
I have set my alarm clock for early in the morning. I know I will have to get her coffee going and help with breakfast. I have some eggs left and some loaf bread so we will have eggs and toast with some slices of cheddar cheese. She is well up into her eighties and I feel responsible for her. She is the last of the Mayberries and that is a notable pedigree. My grandmother would want me to do as much. Her and her sister always saw about her. She has always lived a sheltered life.
I think I will now step outside and smoke a bowl from my pipe. A little Sir Walter Raleigh will do me well and maybe make me sleepy. I look forward to the robust aroma and hearty smoke. Good night and take care.
I thought about the fireflies for a long moment. We called them lightening bugs when I was a kid. I would spent long moments trying to catch as many as I could and put them in a mason jar. As it grew dark, the whole jar would light up with a pale green glow. I laughed aloud thinking about my recollection.
My neighbors are up as always. They never sleep. Cars come and go at all hours of the day and night. I suspect drugs but keep my suspicions to myself. I can get up at four in morning and they are still going strong. They look like college kids and very young and are renting the house next door. I see the police often and suspect that there is more than meets the eye as far as they are concerned.
My great aunt is staying over here tonight. We are soon going to divide my grandmother’s furniture and things and she wants to make sure she gets her share. It is the first time she has been here since Christmas. She was the hard to deal with sister I have spoken about way earlier in my blog. I love her but she is a pain in the ass. She had several bowls already picked out and to take home. She works fast. She also washed all my clothes and for that I am thankful.
She wanted me to call a certain black lady to come and clean the house tomorrow. I lied when I said I would. I felt uncomfortable doing such a thing. She has not worked for us since my grandmother died. I will just tell her I didn’t get an answer in the morning. The house is clean anyways and doesn’t need that expense.
I have set my alarm clock for early in the morning. I know I will have to get her coffee going and help with breakfast. I have some eggs left and some loaf bread so we will have eggs and toast with some slices of cheddar cheese. She is well up into her eighties and I feel responsible for her. She is the last of the Mayberries and that is a notable pedigree. My grandmother would want me to do as much. Her and her sister always saw about her. She has always lived a sheltered life.
I think I will now step outside and smoke a bowl from my pipe. A little Sir Walter Raleigh will do me well and maybe make me sleepy. I look forward to the robust aroma and hearty smoke. Good night and take care.
Friday, June 04, 2004
The dope man…….
I walked down to the piggly wiggly this morning for some buttermilk. It was a casual walk while I listened to my radio. I walked up the steps past the flea market and Fred’s and there he sat.
“Oh shit!” I thought to myself. I did not want to go through this today.
It was George. My humble, not so shy, panhandler piggly wiggly groupie who thinks I am a long lost friend.
George cried out, “Hey, hey, man, come over here for a second.”
I sheepishly walked over and we started to talk. I was trying to find a way out of this conversation.
“Me and you are brothas, right?” he asked.
“Well, George…..” I started to reply as he cut me off.
“I got something for you.” he replied and then reached in his pocket. Out came a ziplock bag tied with a twist tie that pulled it into a ball. Inside were several off white rocks. I knew exactly what it was; it was crack cocaine.
“George, I do not do dope!” I replied.
“Come on man, I will give you a good deal. I am helping a brotha out.” George said.
I was broke and didn’t have any money and the last thing I wanted to buy was crack. I had to dig up some change to get my buttermilk and some loaf bread. My wife still has my SSI check and hasn’t brought it. I am dirt poor at the moment.
“George, you son of bitch, I don’t do dope and I would appreciate it if you left me alone. I am tired of this shit and I am tired of you bothering me.” I exclaimed.
George laughed nervously and then asked me to keep this between us.
“Don’t call the police man!” he said.
“I won’t call the police but leave me the fuck alone! I am tired of this shit.” I said with a raised voice.
Maybe George will get the message and leave me alone. I am so tired of being bothered every time I go to the store. If that bastard bothers me one more time I will call the police and see how he likes it behind bars.
“Oh shit!” I thought to myself. I did not want to go through this today.
It was George. My humble, not so shy, panhandler piggly wiggly groupie who thinks I am a long lost friend.
George cried out, “Hey, hey, man, come over here for a second.”
I sheepishly walked over and we started to talk. I was trying to find a way out of this conversation.
“Me and you are brothas, right?” he asked.
“Well, George…..” I started to reply as he cut me off.
“I got something for you.” he replied and then reached in his pocket. Out came a ziplock bag tied with a twist tie that pulled it into a ball. Inside were several off white rocks. I knew exactly what it was; it was crack cocaine.
“George, I do not do dope!” I replied.
“Come on man, I will give you a good deal. I am helping a brotha out.” George said.
I was broke and didn’t have any money and the last thing I wanted to buy was crack. I had to dig up some change to get my buttermilk and some loaf bread. My wife still has my SSI check and hasn’t brought it. I am dirt poor at the moment.
“George, you son of bitch, I don’t do dope and I would appreciate it if you left me alone. I am tired of this shit and I am tired of you bothering me.” I exclaimed.
George laughed nervously and then asked me to keep this between us.
“Don’t call the police man!” he said.
“I won’t call the police but leave me the fuck alone! I am tired of this shit.” I said with a raised voice.
Maybe George will get the message and leave me alone. I am so tired of being bothered every time I go to the store. If that bastard bothers me one more time I will call the police and see how he likes it behind bars.
The encounter…..
My ex-wife brought my check tonight. She brought our boston terrier Otis along. It was so great to see him. I had tears on my cheeks I was so happy that she brought him. I miss him so much and I miss her too. He ran around my apartment and sniffed and snorted every corner. He jumped up in my lap and licked me continuously on the face while I cried out in distress.
My ex-wife finally had to head home. We held each other a long time. I stood there with my face in her hair. It smelled wonderful. That feeling of her soft body in my arms made me melt. I wanted so much for her to be with me. I get so lonely sometimes.
“You know I still love you.” She said.
“I love you too hon. I am sorry for what has happened. I will always see about you.” I replied.
“I am sorry things didn’t work out.” She said.
I didn’t know what to say and just stood there. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her for eternity. I didn’t want this moment to end.
“Have you slept with Alaine?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t” I replied, “I just don’t feel right about it.”
After she left, I sat in my lazy boy and sobbed. Life is just not fair. I want to share my life with someone and be a good husband. I want to be a man and take care of her and handle all the responsibilities that come my way.
I often get angry at her and her selfishness. Love can be so hard and blind. I know I cannot live with her but I want her all the same. I want to sleep back in my bed I slept in for years. I want to have supper cooked when she gets home from work. I want to sit in front of the computer with our cat in my lap like old times. I want so many things but they are just a pipe dream. I know I cannot undo the past and she left me homeless and didn’t see about her husband when he was very ill. I know I cannot rely on her.
I wish…….but it is just a wish.
My ex-wife finally had to head home. We held each other a long time. I stood there with my face in her hair. It smelled wonderful. That feeling of her soft body in my arms made me melt. I wanted so much for her to be with me. I get so lonely sometimes.
“You know I still love you.” She said.
“I love you too hon. I am sorry for what has happened. I will always see about you.” I replied.
“I am sorry things didn’t work out.” She said.
I didn’t know what to say and just stood there. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her for eternity. I didn’t want this moment to end.
“Have you slept with Alaine?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t” I replied, “I just don’t feel right about it.”
After she left, I sat in my lazy boy and sobbed. Life is just not fair. I want to share my life with someone and be a good husband. I want to be a man and take care of her and handle all the responsibilities that come my way.
I often get angry at her and her selfishness. Love can be so hard and blind. I know I cannot live with her but I want her all the same. I want to sleep back in my bed I slept in for years. I want to have supper cooked when she gets home from work. I want to sit in front of the computer with our cat in my lap like old times. I want so many things but they are just a pipe dream. I know I cannot undo the past and she left me homeless and didn’t see about her husband when he was very ill. I know I cannot rely on her.
I wish…….but it is just a wish.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
The camping disaster…….
It’s 2:00 AM. I am home now. I just had an interesting night and now I can’t sleep. I haven’t been up this late in I don’t know when but I am tonight. My story I wrote yesterday got me in a fishing mood. I wanted to go camp out last night and do some fishing in the evening. I packed up all my stuff in my kelty backpack and headed out early yesterday afternoon to go camping down by the Chattahoochee River. I have never camped down on the river but have fished many times.
There is a huge stretch of woods between the river and the railroad tracks. It has lots of trails interspersed through it as lots of people fish here so I tried to find an out of the way spot to camp. I found a clearing with no rocks and limbs and set out my tent. It was about a hundred yards or so from the river.
I spent several hours fishing. I caught about three hand sized bream and then cleaned them with my camping knife. I coated them in some cornmeal and fried them on a fire in my little camping frying pan that comes in my mess kit with some canola oil. My arm was tired from holding that pan over the fire. I then ate supper and cleaned up by washing my pan in a nearby creek that runs into the river.
About 7:00 PM a good thunderstorm came up so I laid in my tent on my sleeping bag reading a book and listening to the weather band on my radio. Before long I had drifted asleep to the sound of the rain and thunder.
I was awoken suddenly to the sound of noise and I could see flash lights beaming through the woods and hitting the walls of my tent. My heart raced and I looked at my watch. 12:00 midnight. Who in the hell is out in these woods this time of night I thought to myself.
I heard several persons getting closer and closer. Finally a man walked up to the side of my tent and cried out, “Police! Come out slowly and let me see your hands!”
I slowly unzipped my door and holding my hands out I slowly stepped out of the tent. I was scared shitless by this time. The police officer was standing there with a gun drawn pointed at me.
“Let me see some ID sir!” he asked.
“It’s in my back pack officer.” I replied with a tone of respect.
“Well, go grab it for me but don’t try anything stupid. I am not in the mood tonight for bullshit.” He said.
By this time several other officers had shown up and they were all standing around my tent in a circle. I was now thinking I was in some deep trouble but for what I do not know. I pulled out my ID and showed it to the officer and he ran my license over the radio. It came back clean and he laughed. Another officer searched through my tent and stuff. I asked him what was going on.
Apparently, someone had shoplifted at the local Spectrum convenience store and fled into these woods to escape the police. The police advised me that this was not a safe place to camp and to head home. Not wanting anymore trouble, I packed up all my stuff and walked the 30 minutes back home. So much for that camping trip.
There is a huge stretch of woods between the river and the railroad tracks. It has lots of trails interspersed through it as lots of people fish here so I tried to find an out of the way spot to camp. I found a clearing with no rocks and limbs and set out my tent. It was about a hundred yards or so from the river.
I spent several hours fishing. I caught about three hand sized bream and then cleaned them with my camping knife. I coated them in some cornmeal and fried them on a fire in my little camping frying pan that comes in my mess kit with some canola oil. My arm was tired from holding that pan over the fire. I then ate supper and cleaned up by washing my pan in a nearby creek that runs into the river.
About 7:00 PM a good thunderstorm came up so I laid in my tent on my sleeping bag reading a book and listening to the weather band on my radio. Before long I had drifted asleep to the sound of the rain and thunder.
I was awoken suddenly to the sound of noise and I could see flash lights beaming through the woods and hitting the walls of my tent. My heart raced and I looked at my watch. 12:00 midnight. Who in the hell is out in these woods this time of night I thought to myself.
I heard several persons getting closer and closer. Finally a man walked up to the side of my tent and cried out, “Police! Come out slowly and let me see your hands!”
I slowly unzipped my door and holding my hands out I slowly stepped out of the tent. I was scared shitless by this time. The police officer was standing there with a gun drawn pointed at me.
“Let me see some ID sir!” he asked.
“It’s in my back pack officer.” I replied with a tone of respect.
“Well, go grab it for me but don’t try anything stupid. I am not in the mood tonight for bullshit.” He said.
By this time several other officers had shown up and they were all standing around my tent in a circle. I was now thinking I was in some deep trouble but for what I do not know. I pulled out my ID and showed it to the officer and he ran my license over the radio. It came back clean and he laughed. Another officer searched through my tent and stuff. I asked him what was going on.
Apparently, someone had shoplifted at the local Spectrum convenience store and fled into these woods to escape the police. The police advised me that this was not a safe place to camp and to head home. Not wanting anymore trouble, I packed up all my stuff and walked the 30 minutes back home. So much for that camping trip.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Big Fish…..
I often like to write stories of my childhood when I would spend time in Waverly Alabama with my grandmother on her farm. These were great times for me and I often think back on them. I had a sense of community then and felt I belonged. No matter what I looked like or what was wrong with me my grandmother loved me and accepted me. I was the apple of her eye and the chosen one as far as the grandchildren went.
I would often spend many a lazy, hot summer afternoon fishing down at our pond. Mostly I would just fish for bream and catfish. There were bass in the pond but I never did like fishing with lures and never thought I would catch a big one.
I would spend the morning gathering what I would need. My grandmother would pack me some snacks in a paper bag like cheese and crackers or leftover sausage and biscuits. She would also throw in a banana or apple or two. I would dig in the worm bed that she kept and would fill up an old coffee can with as many wigglers as I could find. After gathering what I needed, I would grab my stuff and head out for the long walk down highway 280 to the dirt road that led to the pond.
Upon reaching the pond, I sat for a long time. Nothing was biting and I feared it was the heat of the day keeping the fish sluggish and in deep water. I could see around the perimeter of the pond that bass were actively picking off insects from the surface of the water now and then. I decided to real in my line and set my floater shallow. I put on a fresh wiggly worm and cast out my line.
Suddenly, whoosh, the cork disappeared under the surface and I felt a huge tug on my line. My heart raced and my palms grew sweaty as I struggled to reel it in. After many minutes fighting, I saw it. “Holy Shit!” I cried aloud. It was a huge bass. My fishing rod strained against the weight and I stumbled down the bank into the water up to my knees. By then, the bass was tuckered out and I slowly reached down with my hand and slipped two fingers into its mouth and pulled it out gingerly. I had it!
I grabbed up all my stuff and put the fish on the stringer and ran as fast as I could back to my grandmother’s house. I couldn’t wait to show it off. I ran into the house hollering, “Meemaw! Meemaw!” My grandmother and her two sisters came running from the front room from their quilting session thinking something bad had happened. I proudly held up a good 2 pound bass and they were relieved and proud for me. I wrapped it up in aluminum foil and put it in the freezer for safe keeping. It was a trophy to keep and not eat even though they suggested having a fish fry for supper. “No way!” I said. This one was for me.
Years later, we had to move my grandmother into town due to her Alzheimer’s becoming more advanced. She could no longer live alone. As we were cleaning out her drop in freezer in preparation to put it on the U-haul, we found a big fish wrapped in aluminum foil in the bottom of that big drop in freezer. I was a grown man then and seeing that brought back a flood of good memories. She had kept my trophy for all those years and never threw it away. I felt like that proud, little kid again as I stood there holding that frozen fish; the big fish of my childhood.
I would often spend many a lazy, hot summer afternoon fishing down at our pond. Mostly I would just fish for bream and catfish. There were bass in the pond but I never did like fishing with lures and never thought I would catch a big one.
I would spend the morning gathering what I would need. My grandmother would pack me some snacks in a paper bag like cheese and crackers or leftover sausage and biscuits. She would also throw in a banana or apple or two. I would dig in the worm bed that she kept and would fill up an old coffee can with as many wigglers as I could find. After gathering what I needed, I would grab my stuff and head out for the long walk down highway 280 to the dirt road that led to the pond.
Upon reaching the pond, I sat for a long time. Nothing was biting and I feared it was the heat of the day keeping the fish sluggish and in deep water. I could see around the perimeter of the pond that bass were actively picking off insects from the surface of the water now and then. I decided to real in my line and set my floater shallow. I put on a fresh wiggly worm and cast out my line.
Suddenly, whoosh, the cork disappeared under the surface and I felt a huge tug on my line. My heart raced and my palms grew sweaty as I struggled to reel it in. After many minutes fighting, I saw it. “Holy Shit!” I cried aloud. It was a huge bass. My fishing rod strained against the weight and I stumbled down the bank into the water up to my knees. By then, the bass was tuckered out and I slowly reached down with my hand and slipped two fingers into its mouth and pulled it out gingerly. I had it!
I grabbed up all my stuff and put the fish on the stringer and ran as fast as I could back to my grandmother’s house. I couldn’t wait to show it off. I ran into the house hollering, “Meemaw! Meemaw!” My grandmother and her two sisters came running from the front room from their quilting session thinking something bad had happened. I proudly held up a good 2 pound bass and they were relieved and proud for me. I wrapped it up in aluminum foil and put it in the freezer for safe keeping. It was a trophy to keep and not eat even though they suggested having a fish fry for supper. “No way!” I said. This one was for me.
Years later, we had to move my grandmother into town due to her Alzheimer’s becoming more advanced. She could no longer live alone. As we were cleaning out her drop in freezer in preparation to put it on the U-haul, we found a big fish wrapped in aluminum foil in the bottom of that big drop in freezer. I was a grown man then and seeing that brought back a flood of good memories. She had kept my trophy for all those years and never threw it away. I felt like that proud, little kid again as I stood there holding that frozen fish; the big fish of my childhood.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Poor, poor, pitiful me…….
I am stuck. It is raining. I want to go on my walk but I am being a pussy and don’t want to get wet. It is a light rain but a chilly and uncomfortable seventy one degrees. Hopefully the clouds will break this afternoon and the sun will flood the land and I can get back into my routine.
I spent a long time this morning writing down my past from my early days to college. It helped me to put my feelings and memories down in writing. College was a dark, dark time for me and something that I try to forget but I managed to write it down.
It was during that time that my illness first got to going strong and no one could figure out what was wrong. We tried countless doctors and therapists but nothing helped until I was a grown man and found Dr. Rheddi and she prescribed zyprexa and then Risperdal. It’s a shame I spent all those years in turmoil for nothing when I could have been taking a medicine that has changed my life for the better. Thus goes life though. That’s just the way the ball bounces sometimes.
I worked out in the yard for a long time yesterday afternoon. I pulled weeds and vines out of the azaleas as I listened to sports talk on my radio and then I trimmed them up and got them looking better. I got that mess looking a little more orderly. I am going to do a little bit everyday until I get this yard in tip top shape. Just my way of saying thanks to my father for all he has done lately for me.
I asked him yesterday what are the chances of me getting that house and he was very optimistic. He said he would rather me be putting my money into the equity of a house instead of throwing it away via rent. He wanted me to have a home in case something happened to him. He has got the lawyer working on getting power of attorney over me so he can handle these matters. That scares me but I have grown to trust him lately and realize he wants what is best for me. I gave in and said I would sign the papers when the time came.
He said it would most likely be towards the end of summer before things were finalized and I could move in. I am so excited about this. My own home that is mine with my name on the deed that I can work on and make grow. A nice yard that I can landscape and mold into something that will be a joy for me (I love yard work). Plenty of back yard for a large garden next year where I can grow and can till my hearts content.
Well, I will close and get back to other things. Have a great day and I hope your holiday is not washed out like mine.
I spent a long time this morning writing down my past from my early days to college. It helped me to put my feelings and memories down in writing. College was a dark, dark time for me and something that I try to forget but I managed to write it down.
It was during that time that my illness first got to going strong and no one could figure out what was wrong. We tried countless doctors and therapists but nothing helped until I was a grown man and found Dr. Rheddi and she prescribed zyprexa and then Risperdal. It’s a shame I spent all those years in turmoil for nothing when I could have been taking a medicine that has changed my life for the better. Thus goes life though. That’s just the way the ball bounces sometimes.
I worked out in the yard for a long time yesterday afternoon. I pulled weeds and vines out of the azaleas as I listened to sports talk on my radio and then I trimmed them up and got them looking better. I got that mess looking a little more orderly. I am going to do a little bit everyday until I get this yard in tip top shape. Just my way of saying thanks to my father for all he has done lately for me.
I asked him yesterday what are the chances of me getting that house and he was very optimistic. He said he would rather me be putting my money into the equity of a house instead of throwing it away via rent. He wanted me to have a home in case something happened to him. He has got the lawyer working on getting power of attorney over me so he can handle these matters. That scares me but I have grown to trust him lately and realize he wants what is best for me. I gave in and said I would sign the papers when the time came.
He said it would most likely be towards the end of summer before things were finalized and I could move in. I am so excited about this. My own home that is mine with my name on the deed that I can work on and make grow. A nice yard that I can landscape and mold into something that will be a joy for me (I love yard work). Plenty of back yard for a large garden next year where I can grow and can till my hearts content.
Well, I will close and get back to other things. Have a great day and I hope your holiday is not washed out like mine.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
A new addition to the Piggly Wiggly groupies…….
I went for my morning walk and I feel better. It was just good to get out of the house. I am soaking wet from the humidity and heat though. It is so oppressive here that past few days and it just gets more humid. We have a good chance of storms today and much better one for tomorrow.
I take a circular route in the morning that brings me by the wiggling pig on my way home. As usual, there was the regular group of fellas sitting out front talking and shooting the bull.
I have figured these guys out. They are panhandlers and do it small town southern style. They get to know you and are real polite and eventually hit you up for something. I do not know if it is because of the southern small town culture or not but they are not like panhandlers in larger cities who are much more aggressive. They take the time to find out things about you and then act as if they have known you for years. Eventually, they ask for something out of friendship such as something to eat or five bucks. It’s an interesting way to go about it.
Another guy, who I will name Stinky, has been trying to befriend me lately and I know the game now. George taught me well. I call him stinky because I do not think this guy has discovered deodorant. He reeks of underarm/body odor and it is almost overpowering. None of these guys are homeless and many have cars by the way.
Stinky saw me walking briskly by and started walking over to me.
“Hey man, hey man, hold up!” Stinky asked.
“Can’t stop, I am on a mission.” I replied.
I was tempted to walk into the grocery store and buy the man a stick of deodorant but decided that would be rude and may be taken wrongly. :^)
“Hey man, it will only take a moment.” Stinky said again.
“No thanks, I am not interested.” I replied again and kept walking.
Damn, these dudes are persistent and aggravating. I will not fall for that bullshit again though. I thought of this song as I walked down the sidewalk from the store.
You can keep on knockin, but you can’t come in.
I sang it to myself as I smiled and turned the corner. Once bitten, twice shy.
I take a circular route in the morning that brings me by the wiggling pig on my way home. As usual, there was the regular group of fellas sitting out front talking and shooting the bull.
I have figured these guys out. They are panhandlers and do it small town southern style. They get to know you and are real polite and eventually hit you up for something. I do not know if it is because of the southern small town culture or not but they are not like panhandlers in larger cities who are much more aggressive. They take the time to find out things about you and then act as if they have known you for years. Eventually, they ask for something out of friendship such as something to eat or five bucks. It’s an interesting way to go about it.
Another guy, who I will name Stinky, has been trying to befriend me lately and I know the game now. George taught me well. I call him stinky because I do not think this guy has discovered deodorant. He reeks of underarm/body odor and it is almost overpowering. None of these guys are homeless and many have cars by the way.
Stinky saw me walking briskly by and started walking over to me.
“Hey man, hey man, hold up!” Stinky asked.
“Can’t stop, I am on a mission.” I replied.
I was tempted to walk into the grocery store and buy the man a stick of deodorant but decided that would be rude and may be taken wrongly. :^)
“Hey man, it will only take a moment.” Stinky said again.
“No thanks, I am not interested.” I replied again and kept walking.
Damn, these dudes are persistent and aggravating. I will not fall for that bullshit again though. I thought of this song as I walked down the sidewalk from the store.
You can keep on knockin, but you can’t come in.
I sang it to myself as I smiled and turned the corner. Once bitten, twice shy.
Vivid Mind Pictures…….
I am having problems today. I knew something was up when I felt the newscasters on the weather channel were watching ME today instead of the other way around. I am having hallucinations. I’ve been doing so well lately and have felt as normal as I get.
The past hour or so after breakfast, I kept thinking that I saw something out of the corner of my eye. My peripheral vision was picking up movement but I am alone in my apartment. I am so used to this happened that it no longer freaks me out like it did when I was in college. Well crap, I was thinking to myself, not again.
I sometimes get the notion that I am cured after going several weeks with no negative symptoms and then my illness rears its ugly head. I do not know what has triggered today’s round but you never know. Sometimes it just happens.
I have a conundrum. I have some extra Risperdal and Zyprexa to take when this happens. I know if I take the Zyprexa I will sleep all day and all night. I hate that crap. I do not want to sleep my day away especially when it just got started. I think I will just take an extra Risperdal and increase my dose for today and see if that helps.
I am going to try and make my morning walk. Maybe I just need something to preoccupy my mind and to get out of this dark, gloomy apartment this morning. I am going to head out now.
The past hour or so after breakfast, I kept thinking that I saw something out of the corner of my eye. My peripheral vision was picking up movement but I am alone in my apartment. I am so used to this happened that it no longer freaks me out like it did when I was in college. Well crap, I was thinking to myself, not again.
I sometimes get the notion that I am cured after going several weeks with no negative symptoms and then my illness rears its ugly head. I do not know what has triggered today’s round but you never know. Sometimes it just happens.
I have a conundrum. I have some extra Risperdal and Zyprexa to take when this happens. I know if I take the Zyprexa I will sleep all day and all night. I hate that crap. I do not want to sleep my day away especially when it just got started. I think I will just take an extra Risperdal and increase my dose for today and see if that helps.
I am going to try and make my morning walk. Maybe I just need something to preoccupy my mind and to get out of this dark, gloomy apartment this morning. I am going to head out now.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Sticking with this……
I am still going to go to the meetings but will avoid that certain group. We have different groups during the week with different members. That was the tri-city group and I will just catch a ride to Lagrange Ga. to a meeting up there.
I was having a bad night last night and was not feeling well and this contributed to my rash actions as well. I am going to stick with this and try again tonight.
I just got finished with breakfast and am going to head for my morning walk. I feel so tired today and do not want to do it but I have lost 7 pounds so far and need to keep walking. My goal is to be slim and trim and in shape by the end of the summer. I have got to get my hiking legs back.
Take care and thanks for reading.
I was having a bad night last night and was not feeling well and this contributed to my rash actions as well. I am going to stick with this and try again tonight.
I just got finished with breakfast and am going to head for my morning walk. I feel so tired today and do not want to do it but I have lost 7 pounds so far and need to keep walking. My goal is to be slim and trim and in shape by the end of the summer. I have got to get my hiking legs back.
Take care and thanks for reading.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Walking out……
I walked out of the AA meeting tonight. I got angry and said his is a bunch of bullshit. The discussion was a closed group that meant the chairperson had control of the topic. They started ranting about a singular purpose. They didn’t want addicts or people with problems other than alcohol to talk or share their experiences. They wanted to keep the subject to Alcohol only.
I got fumed over this in that we are supposed to help people. To give our time to help those who have an addiction. My philosophy was that we should welcome all groups of people and let them share. Are not most addictions the same and why are their 330 groups based off of the original model of Alcoholics Anonymous? The so called 12 step program that is so daunted in addiction circles.
I mean, come on! Don’t be so arrogant. A drunk is no different from a crack addict. They both eventually destroy your life if you are addicted and the processes are the same. Drink alcohol or smoke crack. Both ruin your life if they are used in excess or for some at all.
I didn’t speak my mind but just got up and left. I should have but the majority of the group was in the singular purpose mode of mind. I said to hell with that. I will just give my money back to my mother if things get too hard. That will curb my drinking as she is like a Nazi accountant when it comes to my expenses. She keeps up with every dollar I spend with zeal. She even asks for receipts when I get some money from her to check what I spend.
I do not have to do that but if I get to drinking hardcore again I will. I will turn over some of my freedom to have a better life. I will not have it dictated to me though. I will not have a group of people who are close minded dictating my actions.
They should be willing and able to open their arms to all types of addiction. There are no cocaine anonymous or narcotics anonymous meetings in Lanett. AA is all those people have. This just made me angry but I will put down my gavel and desist.
I got fumed over this in that we are supposed to help people. To give our time to help those who have an addiction. My philosophy was that we should welcome all groups of people and let them share. Are not most addictions the same and why are their 330 groups based off of the original model of Alcoholics Anonymous? The so called 12 step program that is so daunted in addiction circles.
I mean, come on! Don’t be so arrogant. A drunk is no different from a crack addict. They both eventually destroy your life if you are addicted and the processes are the same. Drink alcohol or smoke crack. Both ruin your life if they are used in excess or for some at all.
I didn’t speak my mind but just got up and left. I should have but the majority of the group was in the singular purpose mode of mind. I said to hell with that. I will just give my money back to my mother if things get too hard. That will curb my drinking as she is like a Nazi accountant when it comes to my expenses. She keeps up with every dollar I spend with zeal. She even asks for receipts when I get some money from her to check what I spend.
I do not have to do that but if I get to drinking hardcore again I will. I will turn over some of my freedom to have a better life. I will not have it dictated to me though. I will not have a group of people who are close minded dictating my actions.
They should be willing and able to open their arms to all types of addiction. There are no cocaine anonymous or narcotics anonymous meetings in Lanett. AA is all those people have. This just made me angry but I will put down my gavel and desist.
Uneventful day…..
I have had an uneventful day. I have nothing much to write about but the status quo. I guess I have a kind of writer’s block today. I went for my morning walk after breakfast and spent much of the day reading the book
I walked down to the wiggling pig this afternoon to buy some wheat bread and bologna to make some sandwiches for lunch and toast for breakfast. Cap with tag guy actually spoke to me today instead of his usual head nod. In all these months I have never heard his voice.
He said, “Whazzup?”
I replied, “Not much man, not much, just taking a walk.”
I never fails that when I go to the Piggly wiggly I get in the most convoluted check out line. It’s either a little, old black lady who pulls her money out of her bra and takes fifteen minutes to count it out or some dude with his paycheck and they have to call the manager over to approve it. That is just my luck these days.
The little old black lady with what looks like a hundred one dollar bills in a roll was my venue for today. She took her sweet time carefully counting out those one dollar bills for a twenty something purchase. I guess I should learn some patience but darn it, I want my bologna sandwiches and I want them now! lol
I have my AA meeting tonight and will leave around 6:20 to get there before the meeting starts at 7 PM. I just grabbed a shower, put on my exercise shorts and shirt and am ready to rock and roll.
Signing off for today,
Grumpy
I walked down to the wiggling pig this afternoon to buy some wheat bread and bologna to make some sandwiches for lunch and toast for breakfast. Cap with tag guy actually spoke to me today instead of his usual head nod. In all these months I have never heard his voice.
He said, “Whazzup?”
I replied, “Not much man, not much, just taking a walk.”
I never fails that when I go to the Piggly wiggly I get in the most convoluted check out line. It’s either a little, old black lady who pulls her money out of her bra and takes fifteen minutes to count it out or some dude with his paycheck and they have to call the manager over to approve it. That is just my luck these days.
The little old black lady with what looks like a hundred one dollar bills in a roll was my venue for today. She took her sweet time carefully counting out those one dollar bills for a twenty something purchase. I guess I should learn some patience but darn it, I want my bologna sandwiches and I want them now! lol
I have my AA meeting tonight and will leave around 6:20 to get there before the meeting starts at 7 PM. I just grabbed a shower, put on my exercise shorts and shirt and am ready to rock and roll.
Signing off for today,
Grumpy
A Weather Rant…..
Man, I am tired of the Weather Channel. It has gotten too commercialized. I am now going to just walk outside for my weather! :^) For the record, I am weather obsessed. I visit the online radars everyday, several times a day looking for storms.
I can remember when I was a child our weather channel consisted of channel six which was the constant showing of the local radar screen with temperatures scrolling across the bottom. I and my father would sit there for what seemed like hours watching that little line sweep around the radar screen. We would wait in anticipation for that little green blip that might be rain on a hot, dry Alabama July day.
I can remember in the eighties when the weather channel first got going and they had UGLY meteorologists. Just average looking Joes that came on did the weather, and then you got your local forecast.
Now, the weather channel has model looking weather casters, lots and lots of commercials, catchy jingles, and *gasp* those damn storm stories shows. Every time I want to catch the weather storm stories is on. Seems to never fail for me to catch this show and not get the weather forecast I want
Well, I will quit whining. I just needed to rant this morning. LOL, yes, my life is boring.
/end of rant
I can remember when I was a child our weather channel consisted of channel six which was the constant showing of the local radar screen with temperatures scrolling across the bottom. I and my father would sit there for what seemed like hours watching that little line sweep around the radar screen. We would wait in anticipation for that little green blip that might be rain on a hot, dry Alabama July day.
I can remember in the eighties when the weather channel first got going and they had UGLY meteorologists. Just average looking Joes that came on did the weather, and then you got your local forecast.
Now, the weather channel has model looking weather casters, lots and lots of commercials, catchy jingles, and *gasp* those damn storm stories shows. Every time I want to catch the weather storm stories is on. Seems to never fail for me to catch this show and not get the weather forecast I want
Well, I will quit whining. I just needed to rant this morning. LOL, yes, my life is boring.
/end of rant
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Good Ole’ George……
Beware of silver tongued devils with empty pockets. (Or so they say)
I knew this was coming. I could see it. There was more to George than he let on. George was just a little too friendly for his own good.
As I was walking back from the AA meeting hall, I stopped by the piggly wiggly to pick up some corn meal. I wanted cornbread with my roast last night. As I stepped out of the store, in front of the Fred’s dollar store sat George’s beat up, old, dodge diplomat.
I thought to myself, the car is empty but running. Maybe I can sneak by without having to go through a long conversation. As I walked by the dollar store and then finally past, I thought I had made it. Nope, I was not so lucky. George came running out of the store hollering, “Hey man, hold up! Hold up!”
I thought to myself, “Well, shit! Here we go again.”
“Hey man, let me talk to ya fo a minute!” said George.
“What’s up? George?” I replied.
“You know mes and yous are like brothers!” replied George.
His breath reeked of alcohol and cigars. I finally broke down and said it.
“George, a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know you. You have me mixed up with someone else.”
“Nah man, mes and yous is brothas!” George exclaimed.
George went on this long tirade about knowing my ex-wife for years (we were only married for two and meet shortly before that.) He said he had talked to her and that we should get back together. He said she said it was her mother and the stress of her that broke us up. I knew my ex-wife would have not talked to George. If you knew her then you would know too.
Finally, it hit. The moment I knew that was coming. His voice get real low and quiet and he leaned forward to me.
“Brotha, can you spare a poor black man five dollars? I am out of cigars and need some more.” He asked pulling the mangled, chewed on cigar out his mouth and thrusting it forward for me to see.
“Nope, I replied. I have seven bucks to my name and that has to hold for the rest of the week.” I answered.
“Come on, man, help a brotha out!” George decreed.
“George, I knew this was coming. I don’t have the money and I need to head home.” I responded.
His demeanor changed then and turned all happy and out going again.
“Allright brotha, I will catch you later. You takes care.” Said George.
Whew, I made it through it and headed home. I am tired of that shit though. This is going to happen every damn time unless I get ugly. I hate getting ugly but I am not about to avoid going to the only store I can get my groceries at. George, be damned!
I knew this was coming. I could see it. There was more to George than he let on. George was just a little too friendly for his own good.
As I was walking back from the AA meeting hall, I stopped by the piggly wiggly to pick up some corn meal. I wanted cornbread with my roast last night. As I stepped out of the store, in front of the Fred’s dollar store sat George’s beat up, old, dodge diplomat.
I thought to myself, the car is empty but running. Maybe I can sneak by without having to go through a long conversation. As I walked by the dollar store and then finally past, I thought I had made it. Nope, I was not so lucky. George came running out of the store hollering, “Hey man, hold up! Hold up!”
I thought to myself, “Well, shit! Here we go again.”
“Hey man, let me talk to ya fo a minute!” said George.
“What’s up? George?” I replied.
“You know mes and yous are like brothers!” replied George.
His breath reeked of alcohol and cigars. I finally broke down and said it.
“George, a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know you. You have me mixed up with someone else.”
“Nah man, mes and yous is brothas!” George exclaimed.
George went on this long tirade about knowing my ex-wife for years (we were only married for two and meet shortly before that.) He said he had talked to her and that we should get back together. He said she said it was her mother and the stress of her that broke us up. I knew my ex-wife would have not talked to George. If you knew her then you would know too.
Finally, it hit. The moment I knew that was coming. His voice get real low and quiet and he leaned forward to me.
“Brotha, can you spare a poor black man five dollars? I am out of cigars and need some more.” He asked pulling the mangled, chewed on cigar out his mouth and thrusting it forward for me to see.
“Nope, I replied. I have seven bucks to my name and that has to hold for the rest of the week.” I answered.
“Come on, man, help a brotha out!” George decreed.
“George, I knew this was coming. I don’t have the money and I need to head home.” I responded.
His demeanor changed then and turned all happy and out going again.
“Allright brotha, I will catch you later. You takes care.” Said George.
Whew, I made it through it and headed home. I am tired of that shit though. This is going to happen every damn time unless I get ugly. I hate getting ugly but I am not about to avoid going to the only store I can get my groceries at. George, be damned!
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
The future home owner……
I got a chance to really look over my possible future home. I forgot my camera and was pissed. I wanted to share pictures.
It was really nice and quaint. My Dad’s best friend had put in new central heating and air, a new bathroom and was repainting the walls and stippling the ceilings. It is two bedrooms with a den, bathroom and kitchen. It is a small home but would be perfect for a single male such as me.
It has this awesome screened in porch that has an overhead fan and light. All the vistas have bamboo shades you could pull down to block a low sun. I could picture myself sitting on this porch, drinking a cold diet coke, smoking my pipe, and reading a good book.
I am very excited but trying not to get my hopes up. A special set of circumstances has to take place for me to be a new home owner. Charlie has to sell his current home at the market price he is asking and is going to sell this home to me and my father concurrently after renovations are complete. I keep my fingers crossed.
AA went okay last night. I feel awkward telling my fears and screws ups in front of a group of people. I did talk but with a shaky, broken voice and it embarrassed me. I felt I said too much when I told them I had a mental illness and now I am regretting it. Those people will now think I am crazy and will not take me seriously. Mental illness carries such a stigma with it.
For supper I am cooking a cheap $5 dollar chuck roast that I boiled for hours this morning to get it tender. Just a moment ago I added some potatoes, carrots, and onions and will fix a pan of cornbread to eat with it. I will have lots left over so my freezer is filling up with extra food. This is the frugal way to do it though. I will prepackage meal size portions and freeze them so all I have to do is thaw them out and warm them in the microwave.
I am going to head for my afternoon walk. No AA tonight as they do not have a meeting due to the common occurrence of Wednesday night church services around here. I am going to walk there and back though and stay on my routine. Good afternoon and good bye. Have a great night!
It was really nice and quaint. My Dad’s best friend had put in new central heating and air, a new bathroom and was repainting the walls and stippling the ceilings. It is two bedrooms with a den, bathroom and kitchen. It is a small home but would be perfect for a single male such as me.
It has this awesome screened in porch that has an overhead fan and light. All the vistas have bamboo shades you could pull down to block a low sun. I could picture myself sitting on this porch, drinking a cold diet coke, smoking my pipe, and reading a good book.
I am very excited but trying not to get my hopes up. A special set of circumstances has to take place for me to be a new home owner. Charlie has to sell his current home at the market price he is asking and is going to sell this home to me and my father concurrently after renovations are complete. I keep my fingers crossed.
AA went okay last night. I feel awkward telling my fears and screws ups in front of a group of people. I did talk but with a shaky, broken voice and it embarrassed me. I felt I said too much when I told them I had a mental illness and now I am regretting it. Those people will now think I am crazy and will not take me seriously. Mental illness carries such a stigma with it.
For supper I am cooking a cheap $5 dollar chuck roast that I boiled for hours this morning to get it tender. Just a moment ago I added some potatoes, carrots, and onions and will fix a pan of cornbread to eat with it. I will have lots left over so my freezer is filling up with extra food. This is the frugal way to do it though. I will prepackage meal size portions and freeze them so all I have to do is thaw them out and warm them in the microwave.
I am going to head for my afternoon walk. No AA tonight as they do not have a meeting due to the common occurrence of Wednesday night church services around here. I am going to walk there and back though and stay on my routine. Good afternoon and good bye. Have a great night!
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