I broke down and started drinking tonight. I walked down to the Piggly wiggly and bought a twelve pack. I am on number seven as we speak and feeling comfortably numb. I have no cares or worries at the moment except when I am going to crack open that next beer. I feel a failure.
One thing I wanted when I started this blog was to be honest and sometimes too forth giving with my writings. I didn’t want to be like some of the other homeless bloggers I read every day that spoke in vague terms. They speak of things in sparing language and you don’t know what caused them to be homeless. You only see the picture they paint for you. I wanted something different than that. I wanted my readers to see what life was really like for a homeless man and how he got a home. I also wanted all of you to follow along with me as I try to build a new life. I wanted a success story. I am sorry I have messed that up tonight.
I have read the homeless guy’s website everyday since I became homeless when I could. I do not want to become another bullshit con-artist asking for your money. I am deeply opposed to that and that was one thing I had on my mind when I set out to start this blog. I have struggled with my opinion on his blog many times but it always comes down to it being a blog that panders to a certain set of people who are willing to fork over their money to a cause. That cause was putting a burger king biscuit in the man’s morning mouth.
I do not want your money. I just want to be okay. I want to live a normal life and love someone. I want to wake up in the morning in my own house and cook a simple breakfast. I want to hike the Appalachian Trail someday. I want a model railroad empire in my basement. I want a loving wife who cares about me and loves me back. I want her to understand that I have limitations and can’t be like a normal man. I want so much and it tears me apart inside.
I ask you now gentle readers. Appreciate what you have. Live your lives with gusto. Go out and try something different. Live your lives to the fullest and enjoy it. There are those of us that would gladly trade places with you and have your genes. We want it as well. If you have a wife that loves you and your limitations then revel in it. You have much more than gold can buy. If you have a home and a roof over your head then you are blessed beyond means.
I will close now and drink myself into a drunken bliss. At least then I can find happiness. It is fleeting but happiness is something we all seek and I want mine tonight.
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