I was just a little surprised when mom handed me two large bags of McDonald’s food yesterday evening on fast food Monday’s. In the sacks were four double cheeseburgers, two apple pies, and two large fries. “I just wanted to make sure you have enough food!” my mother said gleefully before driving off. I smiled and walked back inside after she carefully handed me three 20oz diet Cokes. Mom can be a tad obsessive compulsive as I have said before. Maggie got a cheeseburger and fries and I carefully and slowly ate my food to stave off the bulimia that so plagues me. It took me several hours to eat all that. I just can’t get too full or the urge to purge is overwhelming.
I had another anxiety attack yesterday afternoon. It wasn’t as bad as they normally are. It was survivable. I lay on the bed for two hours looking at the ceiling until it passed. They say in online literature that they usually only last 20 or 30 minutes. Mine belie that. Mine usually last for hours and it can sometimes be excruciating. My biggest worry yesterday was that I got dehydrated during it and my contacts stuck to my eyeballs and my throat was so dry it was disconcerting. I felt like I couldn’t swallow or breathe.
I got yet another letter in the mail from George yesterday. Mrs. Florene sent him money to buy a small radio in the commissary. He said he is learning to listen to “white man’s” rock music as the only station he can pick up is a rock station on the Gulf Coast. I smiled and laughed. George sounded so well and wasn’t so morose in this letter. He says he keeps hoping for early parole though and is on his best behavior. I do hope he gets out soon. My social life took a nosedive when he went to jail. I have been a lonely man since. I kind of went into mourning over George’s incarceration for a few months there.
I attended the AA meeting at East Baptist Liberty Assoc. in Lafayette, Alabama last night. It was at 8pm and I had to rush home not to miss dad and my medications. My worries were unfounded when it wasn’t until 10pm when dad arrived. It was a good, but very small meeting. We closed early when everyone had had their say. Something that doesn’t often happen in AA meetings in my experience.
I have made the decision to just concentrate on going back to college instead of returning to work. I will meet with the vocational rehab social worker on the 17th, but will most likely not start return to work classes. I mainly just want something positive to do. My days can be so long with little to do in this little Southern town. I am going to take Music Appreciation as my first class. Dad is all for it, says he will pay, and wants me to be happy. He is actually more excited about this than I am. He thinks an education is so important.
I have gotten Dad on watching the television show, Bones. Every night, we have to tune in and watch for at least thirty minutes until he leaves. He thinks Bones is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen. “I love her jaw line,” dad said last night. “She is such a striking woman.” We both love the pseudo romantic interactions between Bones, the forensic scientist, and the FBI agent, Boothe.
12 comments:
I think college is a much better option for you. Work is a rigorous schedule for someone who has health issues. Maybe after college some volunteering or part time work. There are also work from home options.
Good morning!
Hate to hear of the panic attack! I've had two recently - which is SO unusual for me. But I know what cause mine. I've been watching way too much news. I'm such a "fixer" that I feel like I should be able to fix all these horrible things going on . . I get so overwhelmed that I just 'short out' like an overloaded circuit.
I know it eases your mind a little to know that George is doing okay. Maybe he can learn from his forced lack of drinking - and will join you in really quitting this time! That would sure solve a lot of his problems, wouldn't it.
I love Bones, too! Although she is a little clueless about human relationships, she sure is smart! Another one I like is NCIS. Abby is such a unique character. Not sure you could get away with that wardrobe in the real working world, though!
Puppies just woke up and are begging to get outside. Guess I better pay attention - or pay the consequences!!!
Love,
Grannie
Music Appreciation sounds like a fun class, and I think that's a good way to start. After all it's been a while since you've gone to school and going for something fun could be a good way to quiet the social anxiety aspect of school. I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself. I like the show Bones too, but I had read the books and unfortunately the show is SO different from the books. Still, the show is done well.
Your sister deleted you because your illness embarrasses her? That's disgusting!
I think going back to college sounds like a fantastic idea. :D
Oops, just realised that my comment about your sister is actually related to a different blog post. *Blushes* Sorry! I gets confused easily...
Bones is my favorite show! Personally I think Angela is just about the most beautiful girl in the world.
Bones is a good show! We really like Numbers and Burn Notice, too.
Going back to school is a great idea!
What a great idea! I know you have a music background so I think you would enjoy it a lot.
Sir:
Taking a college course or two is an excellent idea! It will help foster further your creativity and give you ideas on how to make a real impact in life.
I could imagine you taking courses in music (like you had previously), or in various forms of art (sculpture, photography, etc), or in creative writing, non-fiction writing, or literature, or in science. Each and every one of those topics will spawn new ideas in your mind and boost your creativity.
I had said this once before sir, but it bears repeating again... even though your current situation may not be what you envisioned in life... you *could* try to take a different spin on it and see it as a potential positive. Here is my idea on that score:
Many artists (be they writers, photographers, sculptors, etc) are referred to as "starving artists" because they cannot reliably maintain a consistent income through their art. Yet, *YOU* could view yourself and your life's work as being an artist of some media (writing, photography, science, music, whatever) and yet have the full knowledge that you are 100% financially safe, secure, and stable due to your SSI benefits.
Think of how wonderful that could be... you could have as your mission/career/goal/contribution in life be your focus and building of your ART in whatever form you choose. It could be a real opportunity.
PipeTobacco
http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com
P.S. Do not forget that most artists foster a bit of eccentric side too... so be sure to get your pipe! :)
I am learning a lot in my psychology class right now, and we are studying eating disorders. I hate throwing up, hate it!! Or I would have tried it long ago to lose weight..lol.
We love watching Deadliest Catch, it is mine and hubs show and we watch it weekly.
I think music appreciation will be right up your alley. :D
We're having thunderstorms right now. I saw a fantastic lightning strike on the way home from work. It hit a cell phone tower. Wow!
Most collages now offer on line classes, which will help alleviate your social anxieties and allow you to work at your own pace. Something to think about.
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