Thunder on the Horizon…

I went to bed to the sound of thunder and rain last night.  It was so very nice.  Maggie cuddled up next to me on the bed under my arms and I and her went to sleep.  I love it when she does this.  Sometimes she just needs some extra attention and I am glad to give.  I love that dog so much.  She brings joy to my soul.  I love it when she is affectionate like last night. 

“Maggie didn’t eat her dog food,” dad said last night during our medication ritual. “I think you are supplementing her diet.”

I smiled and laughed.  “She got a little taste of Mexican Tuesday’s,” I replied. “I couldn’t eat but half of it.  You know I have to be careful about the bulimia.”

Dad grumbled.  He feels Maggie is going to get fat and diabetic with all the people food I feed her.  I know Maggie gets so tired of eating the same old Purina One every day.  I joyfully give her extra treats and food. She doesn’t seem to gain extra weight despite dad’s misgivings.

I feel so damn good right now – the first time in months.  So centered and at peace.  So calm and collected.  Let’s hope this lasts throughout the day.  Y’all be thinking about me.  Yesterday was tough – a day that had me wracked with anxiety.  It would be times like yesterday in the past that I would drink heavily.  I understand it now.  I felt terrible for years with my mental illness and self medicated.  The alcohol would calm me and soothe me – make me forget about what ails me in a fit of drunkenness.  I told mom yesterday of my predicament and how I would always drink at this time.  She said she wanted to give me three of her Xanax to calm me, but dad would kill her if he found out.

“Your sister said you are trying to quit smoking.  She was worried,” dad said last night. “She said you wrote about it on that Facebook thing.”

“I had too much anxiety to call you for more,” I replied. “I felt you would get on to me for smoking so much.  I worry about the costs. I worry about it all. I worry, worry, worry.”

“Get in the car and let’s go get you some cigarettes,” dad told me. “You know Rome wasn’t built in a day and you can’t do all that and stay away from drinking as well.  Your nerves can’t take it.  Get a couple of years of sobriety under your belt, and then think about quitting.”

I sheepishly followed dad to the car and we drove to Fat Albert’s to get some cigarettes.  I was so relieved and dad was so kind and understanding.  I immediately lit up when we got home and it felt soooooo good.  It halved my anxiety just smoking that first cigarette since 3pm the previous afternoon.

On the bulimia front, I am doing so well.  I eat careful small meals throughout the day.  The last two days would normally be binge days with all the food mom brings me from restaurants, but I did good.  I was careful and Maggie benefitted! lol