Email and Blog Anxiety…

A very kind and concerned soul emailed me this morning telling me you could still read my blog through my RSS feed via Google Reader.  A quick change in Blogger’s settings changed that.  Thank you kind sir and you got an invite. That kind of freaked me out when I read that as I had 222 subscribers to my feed. 

I had to remove some people I was paranoid about and it pissed them off no longer having access to my blog. They will just have to “deal” as they say.  My last vestige of social anxiety is email – I am so afraid to open some emails as to what I may find or read. It is so easy to write a flowery email of praise to me and the blog and use a fake email address to get an invite. I am still so sensitive about such things and can’t take a lot of criticism these days – my emotions and feelings still raw from all the recent drastic changes I have made. 

• No More Drinking at my House…

  I carefully and calmly (and with great trepidation) explained to Stacey last night as we lay on the bed doing our usual web browsing that I no longer want or need drinking at my house. I told her I would greatly appreciate it if she would respect this request. If she wants to drink her wine, then she can do it at home without me which would benefit me greatly.  I am just too tempted by it, and it took me all day yesterday to recover from the three large glasses of wine I drank the night previously. I had a terrible hangover and headache, and then struggled with anxiety all afternoon needing another drink to calm it.   I carefully explained to her my past drinking habits for the first time being very honest and told her I have to be careful – that drinking has always been and will be a thorn in my side.  She took it extremely well stating she just wants what is best for me and us – not wanting to cause any problems in our relationship.  I also told her with George coming home soon that we are going to have to extra careful and mindful about drinking so as not to tempt him as he was truly a severe alcoholic.  She said she understood and how much my best friend meant to me.  I sighed a sigh of relief that things went so well last night on those regards.  I expected Stacey to balk and accuse me of thinking she was an alcoholic as she has done in the past when I remarked on her drinking habits.  I really don’t think she is an alcoholic, though – she drinks nothing compared to all the many alcoholics I have encountered in AA over the years.  She can quit at three or four glasses and be fine.  My old inclination would be to drink three or four bottles until I was blitzed. I could easily drink three bottles back in my drinking days no problem.

• A Call from Dad Last Night…

  Dad called me apologizing about the altercation in my front yard the other day.  It really embarrassed me in front of Stacy as she sat in the house and could hear us talking tersely.  “I just worry about you, son,” he told me.  “You know you are schizophrenic and you have to be so careful about the drinking when it concerns your medications. I don’t want to see you go into a downhill spiral like you used to do.”  I listened quietly as he gave me a lecture on what he thought I should do – that I should go back to getting my injection, allow him back into my life as my father, and return to my old doctor, Dr. Kern.  I told him I loved him and will mull over the advice he gave me.  “Thank you for listening,” he said. “You seem like your old self tonight.  I could always talk to you when you were on your medications.  Your are so obstinate off of them.”  I sighed after getting off of the phone.  I am tired of the label and stigma of being accused of being schizophrenic.  I exhibit none of the classic symptoms these days with the reduction and change in my medications.  I think I just suffer from generalized anxiety disorder from all the hardships I’ve encountered over the years – kind of a poor man’s post traumatic stress disorder.  Dad’s controlling and overbearing behavior has also just about made me a nervous wreck.

• iPad Fever…

  I definitely have the gadget bug I become afflicted with from time to time.  I will obsess over a certain plaything until I talk myself into buying it.  I came so close to ordering an iPad last night.  I had my debit card out of my wallet and ready.  It would have wiped out my checking account, though, and I’ve worked so very hard to build up some money for emergencies. $499 is a lot of carts pushed and hours worked I concluded. I eventually want to have 3 months living expenses saved up like Dave Ramsey always suggests on his radio show.   Dad said he is getting my brother and I an iPad for Christmas if I can just be patient.  I’ve just got to wait four more months and that is going to be a long four months!  I just want something simple to browse with as I lay in the bed – my laptop being so hot and ungainly on my chest.  

• Sixth Week of Work…

  Today marks my sixth week of working and I am so amazed and proud – flabbergasted actually.  Who would have thought I could make it this far? To still be working despite all my problems with general anxiety and social anxiety.  It hasn’t been easy to be honest, but the reduction in my medications have greatly helped – making me more able to work.  I’ve changed so much in the past few weeks and change doesn’t come easy for me.   I’ve hidden some of my struggles from my readership so as not to alarm you all – mostly anxiety related.  It would be much easier for me just to sit quietly and complacently at home letting my father take care of everything while I browse the Internet all day and not getting out in that big scary world.  There have been a few times at work I had to just escape to my car and sit in quiet solitude for up to 30 minutes to recover.  Thankfully, I am working the early morning shift and my supervisor doesn’t come in until eight most mornings.  I can get away with a few latitudes.  Today also marks one month away from George’s parole hearing.  We, his family and I, are so excited.  We all just know he is going to get to come home soon!  I will work wonders for Mrs. Florene’s spirits as she’s been very down lately and lonely. I can only imagine the exciting drive back from Atmore as we bring George home barring he doesn’t have to live in a halfway house.

• More Klonopin Control…

  I have decided to only take my Klonopin in emergencies now instead of my nightly dose.  This was a decision not taken lightly nor without great thought.  I know I am going to have some withdrawal after taking those pills for years and years, and this scares me, but I can work through it I think. A good friend on Twitter suggested this last night saying it helps their anxiety just knowing the pills are there if they need to take them instead of just quitting cold turkey.  I am now down to .5mg at night, but that will stop tonight.  I have to fight the urge to take three or more thinking more is better when I feel anxiety – realizing I am addicted to the pills and too dependent upon them.  I personally don’t like the side effects as they always make me feel sleepy and dopey when I take one – kind of out of it.

• Joni Mitchell Week on the Blog…

  Today marks the start of Joni Mitchell week on the mp3 of the day.  I hope you enjoy some of my selections of the best of Joni Mitchell – my favorite recording artist of all time.  I will start this week with my all time favorite song from her, Night Ride Home.  She really influenced my musical tastes introducing me to other artists like Ricky Lee Jones.