Things are Starting to Settle into Normalcy…

I was scared the day before yesterday when I got off of work.  Could I do this?  Could I work fulltime?  I was just exhausted the day before yesterday and yesterday as well when I arrived home from working so many hours.  I felt like I had just run a marathon my feet were so sore and tired and my back ached so.  Mentally, I was a wasteland having that stereotypical mentally ill thousand yard stare.  Today was much, much better.  I got off feeling a more sense of normalcy.  I realized today that I am going to be able to do this – to work fulltime for the first time in eight years.  My main battle today was hunger.  My two turkey sandwiches for lunch are just not going to cut it.  I ended up eating several energy bars and some fruit that I bought in the grocery department.  That helped a lot and got me back on my feet when I felt I was faltering.  Who would have thought I would have come this far in a little over seven weeks? It was around Independence Day I decided to really change my life – a fitting day for change.  And boy has it changed.

Taking Risks and Chances…

I wouldn’t have gotten this far without taking risks and chances – being willing to go outside my comfort zone.  Along these lines, I also took off the password protection of the blog. A lot of people were having trouble logging in, and, frankly, I grew tired of having to log into my own blog to read as well. It was just a hassle and I had also run out of slots for readers, and the emails just kept pouring in for invites.  My blog readership dropped from around 600 a day to 89 a day according to Google’s stats that now come with Blogger in Draft and to be honest, I was missing the attention.  Let my stalkers and naysayers do their very best.  I don’t care anymore.  I would like to think I am bulletproof, but would be a fool to feel that way.  Chances and risk taking: That is my motto these days.  I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for just saying to hell with it all and returning to work, changing my medications, getting a new doctor, saying to hell with Social Security, and going against my father’s ill advised wishes.  These past eight years of demeaning dependence have made me develop a callous thick skin and cavalier attitude which have proven beneficial lately in many regards about life. 

Klonopin Withdrawal…

A nurse emailed me and asked me to keep her informed on how well I do coming off Klonopin. I felt some anxiety at work today – especially towards the end of my shift – but it was bearable.  Not that terrible anxiety I would always feel so deeply in the pit of my stomach as if I was going to panic at any moment.  I always keep three or four pills in my pocket for emergencies.  I am extremely afraid of having one of my severe attacks which would incapacitate me for up to an hour, though.  My biggest worry about coming off the Klonopin lately was not being able to sleep as I took it at night before bed.  I am glad to report that I have been sleeping soundly lately the past few nights.  Within moments of my head hitting my pillow, I am asleep.  This leaves me on two medications.  My Risperdal (antipsychotic) at 3mg and my Paxil for social anxiety and depression.  I feel the Paxil has done much more for my anxiety than any other pill – noticing a marked effect a few weeks after starting it.  I am gregarious and social these days at work – going out of my way to talk to Stacey’s coworkers at the jewelry counter and seeking out my friend Derrick.  I have found as I have come out of my social anxiety shell that I have a quick wit and good sense of humor which has proved valuable in making small talk. 

Stacey’s Big Weekend…

This is the weekend that Stacey gets to visit her kids.  She has spent a fortune buying gifts for them and is so excited.  She asked me if I wanted to go, but I thought it was best to stay home – my fears of rejection getting the best of me.  I also didn’t know what her daughters would think of mommy’s new boyfriend and all the complications involved.  And her mother? lol Don’t even let me go there from what Stacey has told me about her.  She is an impressive and stern woman who might not take too kindly to her daughter’s new boy toy tagging along.  I wish Stacey the best and will be there for her in heart and spirit.  Stacy is already putting into motion getting her kids back into her custody – already hiring a lawyer.  She did this under my urgings for her to fight, fight, fight, and never give up.  I can be kind of aloof when it comes to kids so all this is an undiscovered country for me. 

The Colon Blow Cereal…

Mom came by work this morning.  She said she came to buy her some new pants as she has lost more weight.  I was standing outside when she walked out with her bag of items.

“I just shit in my pants in the store,” mom told me embarrassingly. “I ran into the bathroom and cleaned myself up.  It’s that cereal I am eating for breakfast every morning.  It upsets my stomach.”

I know I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help but laugh slightly without her noticing.  Mom is always shitting in her pants – having the most disturbed intestinal tract in the South.

“Mom? Why don’t you just lay off the cereal?” I asked her trying to choke back another smile.

“It’s oats and it is for my cholesterol,” she told me matter-of-factly.

I just shook my head.  I won’t dare tell my father as he will tell everyone at the pharmacy about it.  Soon, the whole small town would know.   Dad loves it when my mother does “interesting” stuff like this calling her Myrtle after a flighty Aunt he had as a child.

Charlie’s Living Arrangements…

Summer asked about Charlie’s living arrangements.  Charlie actually owns and lives in a very nice house in West Point, Georgia across the river.  He also owns my late grandmother’s house next to my parent’s home which was a trade for the house I live in plus some cash.  The house next to me he bought will be his current fixer upper which he often does over the years.  He has owned countless houses where he will renovate them and then sell them for a profit.  I hope he keeps the house next to me, though.  I am going to enjoy having him around more and all the activity involved.