Therapy Couldn’t Arrive Sooner…

“Be sure to talk about your father at therapy tomorrow,” mom told me on the phone after work. “I know you don’t want to talk badly about your father, but much needs to be said.”

I said I would.  Mom blurted out that dad made a smart ass remark about my ailing refrigerator.  You have to be careful what you say to mom as she will tell it to the third party consistently.

“He said that now that you are working and want to be so independent then you should have to buy a new one yourself.”

I was hoping the several thousand dollars of disability money dad has saved up in my account for emergencies would pay for this.  I had to fight the urge to grow infuriated. It is just not worth it.  I will buy a cheap refrigerator at Sears and just be done with it.  It will just be part of the responsibility I am taking on by becoming independent from my family.  By May, I would have to pay for it myself anyway.  That disability money is really not mine in the grand scheme of things.  It is dad’s and he feels that way about it having taken ownership of it many, many years ago.

“Your father also doesn’t like you coming to family events because he thinks you will drink your sister’s husband’s beer like you did last Christmas,” mom furthered, blurting out more revelations.  “He feels he has to constantly watch you to keep you out of trouble.”

“I only drank three beers to calm my nerves,” I said in my defense. “I would have been drunk if I drank all the beer in their fridge!”

“Your sister insists you drank all the beer in their refrigerator without asking,” mom said. “This kind of thing just makes your father go ballistic!”

I kind of chuckled.  “Much ado about nothing!” was my primary thought.  I am not close to my sister and don’t particularly relish going over to her house anyway.  My brother and sister have mostly treated my mother and I with disdain over the years.  In most normal families, a sister wouldn’t mind her brother having a few beers on such a special occasion.  Not in mine.

“I’d go see a therapist if you father would let me,” mom then told me.

“Just go and do it,” I replied.

“He would be infuriated saying the therapist would fill me all kinds of bad ideas!”

Mom sure was being a busybody today.  I hung up the phone after she asked me if we could ride down through the Valley later in the day just to talk and spend time together.  It has become a common routine for us.  I have to chose my words carefully, though, or it will get back to dad. 

Drama at Work…

“I filed for divorce from my husband yesterday,” my supervisor told me revealing all. “That son of bitch moved in with his mother.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to know all the sordid details of my supervisor’s failing marriage or private personal affairs.  It made me feel uncomfortable.  I did express concern for her over this turn of events, though, out of kindness. They have been married for many years.  It was a sudden revelation that took me by surprise.  I kind of groaned thinking of the more furtive advances my supervisor will now make in my behalf.  She is a very sexual creature that just oozes sexuality.  I won’t dare tell Stacey as this will send her into a stir.  She is already extremely jealous of our relationship.  

Work was routine other than that.  I like everyday to be like the next with no surprises.  I like to carefully gather my carts and dote over them during the day.  I don’t want anything to upset my very set routine as it will cause anxiety.

Today was steadier than most days – the grocery side of the store being very busy.  As the day progresses, the traffic in the parking lot gets worse and worse and it can be interesting trying to gather all the carts with all the traffic.  People just do not show common courtesy these days and have no patience whatsoever.  Often, people will honk their horns at me if I get in the way.   If they honk their horns too much, I will act like I am having problems with my mechanical pusher much to their dismay.  Just my little form of civil disobedience that always brings a smile to my face and a frown to their’s.  

I was also musing over this early morning at work about this being the start of my third month of working.  I would have never thought I would have lasted this long.   In my all or nothing fashion, I have completely turned around my life going from an idle internet addicted homebody, to this very active man with a fierce independent streak.

Starting a New Tradition…

Tonight is my night to spend the night over at Stacey’s house.  I hope I can sleep tonight.  I will take two Klonopin and an Ambien and  hope that knocks me out and I can sleep in the black hole that is her bed.  Stacey is cooking supper for a change which should prove interesting.  She doesn’t cook much and I haven’t had much opportunity to eat her cooking.  She said she was making a chicken casserole, salad, and garlic bread.  I am going to miss my pups tonight, though.  Last night, Maggie was being so affectionate.  I really have my hands full with two dogs in the bed.  Maggie insists on being in contact with me as we go to sleep.  Caramel’s routine is to lie next to my chest under the covers as I turn the air down at night and it gets cold.  She is so short haired.  I sometimes feel like I can’t move not to disturb the pups and it can grow claustrophobic. 

Excitement…

I received my first call for lawn care work this morning after Sandra began putting all those business cards in the prescription bags.  I was so excited.  It was the first call I have had in over two weeks.  I told the man I would be over tomorrow afternoon to mow his lawn as we negotiated a price.  I am hoping these calls will turn into repeat customers.  I have grand designs for my business and hope to put George to work as well.  I would eventually like to buy a commercial grade mower which will cost thousands.  That is far down the line, but it is exciting to muse over nonetheless.        

Mental Health Check-In…

How are you feeling today?  I felt a little anxiety after work oddly. Usually, it is at work I feel the most anxiety.  I was busy rearranging all the monitors in my den and grew too excited.  I bought some more cables at work and was excited to get home and get my “command center” situated.  I could never do this kind of stuff if I was married.  My various audio/visual fixations literally drove Rachel crazy when we were living together – her saying I made our den look cluttered.  Never mind, the stack of Magazines of hers that sat in the corner of the den that was almost four feet high.  And she said I was the cause of clutter.

I slept really good again last night getting almost nine hours of sleep.  I did have to get up once to use the bathroom.  I knew I shouldn't have drank that large glass of cherry limeade before bed, but I was quickly back asleep after lying down again.   I can’t express how much regulating my sleeping habits has helped me mentally.  My psychiatrist was right – that it is so important to my mental health to get a good night’s sleep.