Losing my blog felt like having the wind knocked out of my sails. This has happened before and I trudged ever onwards. I then thought of why I do this. It is simply to get my thoughts down and organized. Blogging gives me a purpose to write and I find writing therapeutic for me. It is also nice when others can read along and share in your successes and your failures. And now on with what I wanted to express tonight…..
I was feeling lonely tonight. I rarely watch the TV but I do turn it on for noise on these occasions. My first, most human response is to call my girlfriend and see if she wants me to come over there or her over here. She relishes these moments where I am “in need”. I decided that for tonight it was okay to be lonely and to just feel my feelings. I did call to say hello for a short moment but didn’t allude to the fact that I was having a tough evening.
In my not too distant past, tonight would be an occasion of drinking. To quell the loneliness or emptiness I would feel the need to indulge in my former favorite pastime of imbibing in alcohol. AA tries to expound upon the fact that you are powerless over alcohol and you have to turn over that powerlessness to a god of your understanding. I realized quite awhile ago that I can control those situations and that I did have power over my drinking. I just got tired of the entire victim role-playing in those meetings I was attending. I no longer wanted to be a victim but someone who had power over his will and his impulses. When I realized that power and control it was an affirming moment and almost intoxicating in and of itself. I still do not drink as I feel it would be gambling with the great success that I have encountered the past few months. I do romanticize those moments of intoxicated bliss but my memories shall have to suffice.
I spent most of the afternoon studying and reading over all my material for my World Literature essay exam tomorrow. I am glad I did. All the many Greek and Roman tragedies I have read seem to run together and meld as they all have central themes and reoccurring characters. I have found the internet to be a great place to find really good summaries of these epic poems. I found one website by Harvard based students who had written and posted essays on these very poems I have to study. It gave me some good ideas and I spent hours reading them. I feel much more prepared and my mind is at ease over this topic.
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