Oh, how far I have come. Through dad’s help, I take my medications religiously. I haven’t had a drink in three years. The pieces of the puzzle of wellbeing have just fallen in place the past few years. You know what makes me hesitate to write about this? Social Security. I occasionally get hits on my site meter from government types. I worry they think I am “cured” and can go back to work. There is no cure for schizophrenia, just management of the symptoms. I don’t know if I can handle the stress of a job however small. I guess that speaks little of me. I should get some derision from my anonymous commenter for writing that. lol
Some current symptoms I am having are extreme paranoia about the drug dealer next door. I have never seen so many strange and familiar cars in my life. Being obsessive compulsive, I constantly check my locks in the house and on my car. Last night, there was a huge party next door and a vicious fight erupted. I could hear screaming and hollering. “What you gonna do homeboy?” one fellow kept saying. I’m afraid to call the police for fear of repercussions.
Dad, the eternal optimist, says he is just getting lots of “pussy”. He’s got lots of girls visiting and is a Don Juan of sorts. I keep my mouth shut as there is no arguing with dad.
“What about the police detectives car that keeps showing up at various times?” I asked dad.
“Oh, that is just his police force friend. He’s just coming by to see him,” dad replied.
I let out a muffled laugh.
“You’re seeing things from your grandmother’s point of view,” dad added. “She always thought her neighbors were up to no good and were dealing drugs. It was a sickness. You’re acting like that.”
I sighed. “I guess so,” I said giving in.
“Look on the positive side,” dad told me. “He’s getting some pussy, drinking some beer, and having a helluva time!”
I didn’t bring up the fact that he drives a 2010 Jaguar, an extremely sharp car, with $2000 chrome rims and he doesn’t work.
I guess paranoia can best be summed up as excessive, excessive worry. It is also hard to tell what is reasonable worry and what is not. You get so caught up in the process that you lose focus with reality.
21 comments:
Why haven't you answered all your comments lately? Aren't you appreciative of your readers' concern for you? As you know , a person's level of hospitality and politeness speak volumes about how well he was raised. I'm sure your parents would like it if behaved more like a gentleman!
Anonymous,
I've been kinda feeling overwhelmed by doing that. The blog is generating enough comments that it is hard to keep up. I guess I've also been lazy as well. It's a lot of work to do.
Andrew
Andrew you don't have to comment to everyone all the time. Sometimes there is something to say and sometimes there isn't. Those of us here all the time are aware of your situation and the inner turmoil you sometimes face. Do what you can handle. A job can be very stressful and I don't think you need that in your life right now. If you are looking for something to fill the void, you could go back to volunteering of some sort. Maybe something you enjoy and no schedule to adhere to.
Lacey,
I enjoyed volunteering out at the Humane Society. They were a well oiled operation though, and I felt like a third wheel. They were always hunting stuff for me to do. I miss that "job" immensely, and working with the animals. I got approved to volunteer at the hospital, but they wanted a letter from my doctor about my schizophrenia and ability to volunteer, and I never followed through. I regret it now.
Thank you for your comments and words of encouragment. You don't know what you mean to me.
Andrew
"mentally interesting" love that I will probably use, no one's buying eccentric anyways,
I enjoyed your blog
ps Im adding your link to my blog
come by and see me sometime *wink
Little Sun,
Will do and thanks for reading!
Andrew
You are NOT paranoid (in a schizo way), you have a DRUG dealer next door. I would call the nonemergency number of the local police. Bullets have an easy time going thru walls and houses! Dad is really not giving you credit on this one.
I agree with Sharyna, you need to call the police, especially if you hear screaming!!!!
Hi Andrew!
Seems like you just can't make everyone happy, can ya? It's just impossible. Do your best to keep you happy and not hurt others - then worry about making others happy!
As to being paranoid. I think that when we already have mental issues, every quirk is credited to that issue. That is just not true. If there is a real reason to be concerned, it's not being paranoid. . . it's being careful!
If you are seeing police coming by this house, then they are aware of the situation. The teens in our area tell me that a guy a couple of blocks away sells them pills and joints. When I called the police and asked about it, they told me that they have been watching him. They are trying to catch his supplier and don't want to arrest this guy until they have the next guy up the ladder. So the local kids will have easy access at least for a while!
Frankly, I think we all have good reason to be at least a little paranoid sometimes!
Your heart is too big, Andrew - that's another reason we all care for you so much!
Grannie
Hi Andrew..dont ever worry if you dont answer my comments..i never expect it (its a nice bonus if ever you do manage to)..i dont think you are been paranoid either..from what you say your neighbours certainly sounds suspicious to me..but the fact that the Police detective car shows up frequently shows they must have their own suspicions.
Dont worry about S.S. Andrew..there is a vast difference between managing your symptoms..and going back to work..i dont believe there is a 'cure' for Schizophrenia..but managing them is up to the individual, you are managing very well.. but the stress & the responsibility of working etc..could bring on a relapse and no one wants that...some folk just dont understand the illness..it is a recognized disability and i am sure the Powers that be in your Country are as aware of that fact, as they are here in the U.K.
just stopping by to say hi. i know when i had drug dealing next door i would hesitate to call the cops. i did one time and next thing i heard was pounding on the wall screaming at me what would happen if i called the cops again so i did not. it was one reason that i liked having a dog around. i know maggie is a good watch dog for you too! she would let you know if anyone is coming over which i had one time the guy go to the wrong door and i just was able to tell him that he had the wrong house and he went next door.i do not think that your thinking is paranoid just taking care of yourself and your place but i would not worry too much about it either. i know too that even when we are doing good there is no way i do not think that i could hold down a job. i am glad that you got a train to work on. i am rambling today i know. liz
just stopping by to say hi. i know when i had drug dealing next door i would hesitate to call the cops. i did one time and next thing i heard was pounding on the wall screaming at me what would happen if i called the cops again so i did not. it was one reason that i liked having a dog around. i know maggie is a good watch dog for you too! she would let you know if anyone is coming over which i had one time the guy go to the wrong door and i just was able to tell him that he had the wrong house and he went next door.i do not think that your thinking is paranoid just taking care of yourself and your place but i would not worry too much about it either. i know too that even when we are doing good there is no way i do not think that i could hold down a job. i am glad that you got a train to work on. i am rambling today i know. liz
just stopping by to say hi. i know when i had drug dealing next door i would hesitate to call the cops. i did one time and next thing i heard was pounding on the wall screaming at me what would happen if i called the cops again so i did not. it was one reason that i liked having a dog around. i know maggie is a good watch dog for you too! she would let you know if anyone is coming over which i had one time the guy go to the wrong door and i just was able to tell him that he had the wrong house and he went next door.i do not think that your thinking is paranoid just taking care of yourself and your place but i would not worry too much about it either. i know too that even when we are doing good there is no way i do not think that i could hold down a job. i am glad that you got a train to work on. i am rambling today i know. liz
just stopping by to say hi. i know when i had drug dealing next door i would hesitate to call the cops. i did one time and next thing i heard was pounding on the wall screaming at me what would happen if i called the cops again so i did not. it was one reason that i liked having a dog around. i know maggie is a good watch dog for you too! she would let you know if anyone is coming over which i had one time the guy go to the wrong door and i just was able to tell him that he had the wrong house and he went next door.i do not think that your thinking is paranoid just taking care of yourself and your place but i would not worry too much about it either. i know too that even when we are doing good there is no way i do not think that i could hold down a job. i am glad that you got a train to work on. i am rambling today i know. liz
Thanks so much for the great post. I've been searching for blogs like this now for 30 minutes and i finall found one
that's worthwhile. I'm really into video games, do you have any information on the new Call of Duty? I know this
is off topic, but I thought I'd ask. Thanks...oh also, I have some video game writings if you want to check them
out. Here are a few of them
Buy Magic Cards
xbox 360 repairs
Team iDemise Leveling Guide
Andrew those dogs at the Humane Society need all the love and attention they can get. If that is all you do, you have done a great thing. Just go in and pay attention to them.
You know I'm one of your pragmatic readers and all I want to do is growl at one of your other readers for being such a pill. Please don't feel as though you have to comment on comments. I know you appreciate all of them. We all know that.
Andrew - Just mind your business that's the best thing to do in situations like that. Ignore them and they won't bother you.
The idea of working again after taking time off (for whatever reason) is really stressful for me, too.
My solution- which obviously only works for me and my particular needs right now, but may give you ideas when you finally want to give it a go- is to try for something where I don't really care if I quit or get fired. Isn't that terrible? haha
It really goes against my work ethic, and it isn't much of a career plan, I know, but it has taken the stress out of the job hunt and the idea of increasing responsibilities beyond my own little world/home.
PS. never get stressed about answering anonymous comments on the internets. Life is too short.
And douchebags are too... anonymously douchey.
I am so very proud of you Andrew. I can even tell you. I started reading this blog years ago. Literally. You have come so far...you should be so proud of yourself, too. Look what you have done for George, too!
And your commentors really make me mad. Ignore them. You don't have to comment on every comment, good heavens. Big big hugs, friend. :)
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