I could not sleep last night; I lay in the bed tossing and turning until 6:00 AM this morning blogging in my head and going over ideas, forming blog posts, and opinions. I got up several times to go write more but took a drink of water and forced myself back to the bed. I fear I was in a mode of mania and lay there with my mind going a hundred miles an hour and my body at a dead, tired rest. I assure you I am successfully medicated as I have a large red whelp on my right butt cheek from a painfully large injection to prove it. I looked back on what I wrote yesterday and my writing was all over the map.
That is one of the reasons I have tried to wean myself from reading that other homeless related blog. No other blog provokes such strong emotion and extreme opinions out of me as that one consistently does. I wake up in the morning and sheepishly open my blog to read what I wrote the previous night and feel dirty about it. Are my emotions unfounded or baseless? Why does a simple blog push my buttons in such a way? Maybe you have to be formerly homeless to understand. I am not the only formerly homeless blogger who feels this way I have learned so I know I am not a total aberration in this matter.
Part of it is that it is so frustrating for me to see a very smart and intelligent person squandering their life away in squalor when they have so much to offer society and only have a simple web log to make a difference with. I feel that through a web log you are only seeing pieces of a larger, whole puzzle and it is almost impossible to portray but the most basic aspects of the homeless condition. As authors we selectively share what we want you read as if blogs were personal propaganda platforms. I didn’t share all the nights I paced back and forth in my apartment just a mile walk and five bucks away from losing my sobriety. I didn’t share the many obsessions/delusions stemming from my mental illness about my ex-wife and frightfully real imaginary conversations I had with her that are still indelibly imprinted in my memory. She had no idea of what I was talking about at the time and was frightened of me. I didn’t share the extremely painful experiences of me having to swallow my ego/pride, conforming, and asking for help from family members that detested me and were afraid of me.
Part of me wants to drive the day drive to Nashville and help this man get off the streets. I want to take his hand and lead him to help. There are countless resources and avenues of aid that he never explores. We could get a case worker that will assist him in utilizing resources. If he does suffer from social anxiety which is a recognized mental disability then would get to a clinic and get him some medications to help at little to no cost. We could use the Americans with Disabilities act as an asset to obtaining a job and the laws would be on our side. We could start the process of obtaining disability benefits. We could apply for section 8 housing. We could sign up for vocational rehabilitation that would provide job training or tuition assistance. We could get a volunteer position that may lead to future employment as it would give a potential employer the chance to see that he is intelligent, punctual, hard working, and reliable as I did. I could go on and on with different things we could do to help that I don’t see him exploring.
One of my greatest fears about becoming a social worker is that my own life experiences will negatively affect my professional decisions. Will I become too attached to my clients and let it affect my judgment? Will I let my own personal biases and strong opinions determine what course I take instead of a professional detachment? Where do I draw the line? I know I will be often confronted with the situation where I can put every resource and asset in front of a client and only they can choose to use them. I can show them how they can get help but they have to do the hard work to obtain that help and utilize it. Luckily, I have four more years to grow, learn, and mature on these issues. I just hope I have the intelligence and capacity to grasp the ethics of these issues when it comes time for me to help a client dependent upon me for aid.
No comments:
Post a Comment