A Sober Christmas...

It all seems so odd to me.  To be sober on Christmas.  Holidays were always the best excuse to imbibe.  There have been many Christmases that I was too wasted on Xanax or booze to even remember.  Christmas before last, I snuck in to my father's bathroom and took maybe ten or more Xanax. Probably even more than that.   I don't even remember walking home.  I was zonked. 

I would think it felt so good though.  The only time I felt normal was to be plastered out of my gourd.   Life has changed drastically since last year.  I can no longer drink.  I have found the number one cause of my anxiety attacks is to be the withdrawal from drinking the next day.  They are absolutely horrible.  I can honestly say today that I don't want to drink.  I have five dollars to my name and that would buy two big bottles of Equate mouthwash.  Enough to get totally blasted.  I vaguely remember drinking mouthwash last Christmas as well and popping pain pills I took out of my mother's medicine cabinet.  She never missed them.  All I remember from last Christmas was my father's best friend coming over to scold me for going into my parent's house when they were in San Diego.  I doubt I even wrote about it on this blog.  I was always having to hide my addictions, and not very successfully mind you. 

I have big plans to go to an AA meeting for Christmas tonight.  As they always say in AA, "Us drunks have to stick together or else we will die alone."   I have hopes many of my old AA friends will be there with opened arms, welcoming me back into the fold.   I can think of no better way to end a Christmas than at AA and sober.  I've got to start working my program.  A New Year is a good time to start.  Merry Christmas everyone.