I am feeling better today. More positive. My old pastimes of listening to the radio and getting involved with the computer are bringing me satisfaction and joy again. For a few days there, a week, I was so out of sorts. A throwback to my days of wanton addiction indulgence. I realized all areas of my life spiraled out of control. The drinking. The bulimia. I hadn’t eaten a good meal in over a week! I had made myself sick. I also started to take Benadryl again and would take 18 or 24 at a time until I was out of it. During all of this, I lost my glasses. I don’t know where they went. Luckily, I had some hard contacts and have been wearing them since despite the discomfort they bring me. I have a very old pair of glasses, but they are like looking out the bottoms of fish bowls.
I just took mom her birthday card.
“I love you more than anything,” I told her.
She have me a big hug and I kissed her on the cheek. She handed me my six diet Cokes and I smiled feverishly. I couldn’t wait to get home to drink them. I really needed a pick me up to get me going.
I am debating on going to an AA meeting in Lagrange, Georgia tonight at 7pm. We still have very few meetings offered here in town. I am worried about the gas cost and if my car will break down on the long drive. I guess I am trying to find any excuse to not commit. I am scared. Very scared of what someone may say to me or just a furtive glance in my direction. That old social anxiety is holding me back. Going to AA is a very social thing and that scares me to death. I know after a few meetings I will feel comfortable again. I just have to make myself go!
3 comments:
So glad you are feeling a bit better now. AA sounds like a great idea! I hope you decide to go. :-)
I don't know what town you live in, but maybe there is a meeting closer to you? A quick search brought up this link: http://tinyurl.com/yejauls
I'd really encourage you to explore a dual diagnosis group through your county mental health department. People who go understand social phobias and addictions, and it is much less pressure on you. And of course it is free to go.
Can you talk to your family doctor or psychiatrist about a group?
And you do have people praying for you -- me among them. Courage!
Beth,
I am headed now to drive out to county mental health to check on support groups. Because of my phobias, I can't call on the phone so will drive out there. I appreciate your encouragement and help!
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