Lately, I've done better than I ever have mentally. I feel strong and fit, virile almost. Rosa notices it. The gang at the shopping center notices it. Mom notices it.
Lately, I am taking pride in my appearance and this is something I haven't done in months. I take a shower everyday. I carefully blow dry and brush my hair. My usual repertoire of old, raggedy, hole infused clothes and t-shirts has been replaced with stylish pullovers and khaki pants. I am even wearing my new tennis shoes these days.
The littlest thing can set me back though...
"Dad, will you bring me some diet cokes from the drug store?" I asked a moment ago.
"YOU WANT MORE? I brought you some last night!" Dad replied.
I blushed and grew quiet. It was embarrassing to be 35 years old and having someone moderating how many cokes I am drinking. To be berated for such a thing was humiliating.
"People can die from drinking too much water!" he told me. "What are you doing? Why are you drinking so many cokes?"
Quiet from me.
"I will bring you some, but something is wrong. I wonder if you can get high off of diet cokes! You would find a way!"
I hung up the phone. My hands were shaking. My indomitable spirit had been squelched like the flame of a candle extinguished. I felt like a 5 year old getting scolded for putting his hand in the cookie jar too many times. There is just something terribly wrong with this whole scenario. So I drank a lot of diet coke today, so what? I won't let it get me down though. I try not to write about these instances, but needed to vent. My blog is my sounding board.
24 comments:
Here's my 2 cents...it's sad that your dad seems to love you and mean well but at the same time he has no idea how to express this in a way that is good for you. You are not wrong to be affected by his comments however I think he's unconsciously trying to undermine you so he can keep you in a perpetual state of dependancy out of misguided love. It's just his self centered fear. Good to see you doing so good...Sally (i'm commenting as anonymous because I'm too tired to look up my blogger password).
I agree with Anonymous. Dad seems to love you but is overly concerned with societal issues. Also, remember he's a pharmacist. He probably comes across every kind of nut job out there. Get back at him, go to work at WalMart-in the pharmacy!! LOL
sharyna
O, Andrew- don't let him get you down. I heard it said one time that "hurting people hurt people." He's hurting... so he has to hurt the people around him, too. Seems he's just accustomed to taking out his anger/frustrations/etc. on you. It's not healthy or normal. You might even call it abusive behaviour. Write and vent and get it out of you - don't let it sink into your spirit. Let it bounce away from you. He should be happy it's diet coke and not that stuff you kept in your cabinet that you finally poured out!
He reminds me of my mom. She just doesn't know how to show her love to me so she put me down every chance she got. Finally, after so many years of me "trying to not let it get me down", (I had to stay away from her) she's finally beginning to be nicer. She was never loved properly by her alcoholic mother so she never had a good example to grow from. All she had to give me was what she'd received herself. She hurt inside, so she hurt the people around her. And she never knew the difference. It's been tough for me!
Don't feel bad. I know plenty of people who drink lots of colas a day. It's not that unusual down here in the South for someone to drink a twelve pack a day. Don't let this get to you.
It's good to see you doing so well! ac
Unfortunately, sobriety means that you can feel pain and disappointment too. When you feel down about yourself, look to the left margin at your sobriety counter .... that represents more strength and self-discipline than more people will exercise in their entire lifetime. The beauty of loving yourself is not needing someone else's acceptance to know that you'll be okay.
I have been reading your blog for a while now thought about commenting before butdon't think I have...
your dad is codependent and needs to take care of you now that you are getting better and moving towards independence it scares him he loves you and wants what is best for you but doesn't want to lose his care taker role. IMHO that is. Keep strong. I am rooting for you. Look a t that counter...WOW! you are doing awesome.
I wonder if he was having a bad day? He can't take anxiety out on his customers, maybe you were the unwitting victim.
I'm glad you let loose on here, what else is it for?
Congrats on 71 days? Holy cow! I'm so proud of you!
I'm sorry he's so hard on you. The silver lining is that it will make you want to find a job even more. He might still be such a downer when you're actually working but as I get older I realize that parents hardly change and it's up to us to find the middle ground with their harsh words.
I hope that you're proud of your positive thoughts!
I'm sorry he's so hard on you. The silver lining is that it will make you want to find a job even more. He might still be such a downer when you're actually working but as I get older I realize that parents hardly change and it's up to us to find the middle ground with their harsh words.
I hope that you're proud of your positive thoughts!
I do the same thing with coffee. I am totally convinced that I would lose 10 lbs if I could get off of it.
Don't worry about your dad...there are worse things you could be drinking:)
I really dislike your father's attitude. He steals your disability money and won't buy diet cokes. On the other hand, take it as an omen from the Universe to cut down on the soda. As a schizophrenia sufferer myself I have been reading about diet and nutritian. Our addiction to coffee and/or soda is bad for us. I have cut out the caffein, sugar and starch and adhered to taking medicine and feel better. Maggie drinks only water and perhaps she is the wisest of all of us.
I have to agree with anonymous Sally, lol. It's hard to let go sometimes and just let your kids live their lives. You know dad has some issues too. Be happy for all of us that are proud of you. If diet Coke is your worst problem then you are doing pretty well. Don't let your dad get you down. Brush it off and go on.
Andrew - don't let him get you down. Keep doing great, I know how hard this must be for you...
And just so ya know, if I were near, I'd bring you diet coke. :)
I am a lurker, I guess, and have been tempted to comment several times in the past, but was afraid you'd "lock up" if I did, because you said something about not likeing your blog out there for strangers to read, and I'm one of the strangers. Anyways. My mother and your father have many things in common. We have many things in common as well. I've been sober for over 12 years now, not that I am not tempted and whatnot, but I'm clean. I'm sober. You are only as sick as your secrets. My mom is sick. I'm well. That kills her. She didn't have the same illnesses as me, but she's still sick all the same. Forgive my presumption, but your dad is sick in his way, too. Please don't let him drag you down, you are an inspiration and a strength to me. I'm going through a particularly difficult time in my life right now, and I found this blog, and your writings give me the strength to stay on the wagon, go back to my meetings, and look myself in the mirror. You are in my thoughts and prayers. - Jody
I hate to say it but too much diet coke is bad, read up on the long term effects of the artificial sweetener in it. Replace it with something healthy like green tea or water.
I don't know if it is possible to be addicted to Diet Cokes, but you'll enjoy being able to buy your own. Tune out your dad's scolding. He no doubt means well, but, as others have pointed out, he's gonna be a little ambivalent about your assuming control over your own life. Be prepared for more nagging and scolding from him, and don't let it throw you for a loop. You may NEVER hear him say, "I'm glad for you, Andrew."
Back to the subject of being able to buy your own Diet Coke. Even then, you might want to concoct your own soft drink. Why pay good money for factory-assembled water, caffeine, artificial sweetener, food coloring, "coke" flavor, and the advertising for this so-called "product"?
Keep dressing in khaki. Now TWO handsome dogs reside at your house.
Must have been a bad day for him...
He should see how many freaking mountain dews I drink. I call it my liquid crack...
I drink a crap load of Diet Pepsi. Don't let it get you down.
rome wasnt built in a day. keep on keepin on..
you WILL get there eventually..
Look at you 72 days sober. You are doing so well, just wish your dad would recognize your accomplishments. As for the diet coke, they aren't good for you, and when I stopped drinking them I did have withdrawals. Try iced tea (southern table wine). ALL southerners like iced tea, you know that, and it's soooo much cheaper than drinking cokes. I have to admit I did LOL when I read what you dad said about you getting high on cokes. It just stuck me funny. Have a great day my friend.
72d 9h 12m 21s
That is the good amidst the bad.
B~
when you're used to having a beer in your hand all the time -- you need to have something else in it for a while-- diet coke IS better than the alternative-- just get some cash and go get it yourself..
my hand was filled with coffee and chocolate.. and cigs-- well if i wasn't workin.. but i had somethin in at least one hand 24 /7. prolly for a full year.
whatever works right.
besides.. diet cokes beats a damn hamburger right! or.. like i said- a beer --or somethin.
you're doin good.
keep doin what you're doin brotha
Yes, he loves you, but it's very hard for parents to step away from "parenting", even when the kids are adults. My mother still does it too and manages to reduce me ego to nothing. Don't let it get to you. Although I understand it must be very hard to ask your father for things that you much rather would just buy yourself.
You are doing great.
Ilka
i drink lots of pop too! i think often times as someone said your dad takes out his frustrations of the day onto you. i am so glad that you are doing better, i hope that you enjoyed your road trip. i used to love to take road trips.
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