Dreamed last night I was homeless again. It happens quite a bit. I often think of selling everything I own and striking out for Nashville. I could cavort with "The Homeless Guy" as we sat in coffee shops with our laptops.
I'm starting to come to the realization that I need an austere life just to stay alive. I do everything in excess and don't know how to moderate my tendencies. I drink a case of diet coke a day. I smoke 2 packs of cigarillos a day. I go on great droughts of not eating then eat in excess. Everything about me is black and white. Dark and light. Binge and purge.
So, that brings me back to the austere life of a homeless man. I get it in my head that this frugal life will avail me of my urges -- the inescapable urge to burn my candle at both ends. The Rescue Mission would feed me two scheduled and stable, balanced meals a day. I would sleep on a stringent schedule. I need the harshness of that life to control myself. I am certainly out of control as it is and feel at a loss as to what to do about it. If I ever just disappear then you know where I am.
5 comments:
If you have an addictive personality it can be hard to learn moderation. You either want feast or famine but the way to achieve moderation is very sloooowwwwly.
I am happy you are over the panic attacks. Now you need to cut back on both the cokes and cigarillos. However, cold turkey this time won't work for you. Try drinking one less coke a day, and one less cigarillo a day. And keep a chart so encourage you.
Just my suggestions - you don't have to follow them.
Actually Andrew, you're doing very well! Over 150 days sober! That's something to be so proud of, and I worry that if you chose a life of homelessness that number would disappear, as would your fathers nightly visits, a warm, loving home for Maggie, frequent online contact with your blog family, etc. Loneliness is so difficult sometimes, I know from experience. A big hug to you, my friend.
I wish you well Andrew. Grab onto the positives in your life, and hold on for dear life. I believe in you!!!!
B~
Hello Sir:
If there is a way to become comfortable with moderation in virtually anything a person does, I think most people find it comfortable and healthier for themself. I mention this only because you were talking about having a difficulty in moderation.
I know we talked about the subject of moderation previously and it unfortunately resulted in your becoming angry at me, so, please do not be upset. I am not suggesting this is what you should or should not do. I am just saying I believe a lot of people find the "middle-of-the-road" comforting.
PipeTobacco
I have a difficult time with moderation, too. If you discover a solution...let me know;)
Post a Comment