I was wracked with paranoia all day yesterday afternoon. It is the strangest feeling where your head buzzes and you can’t concentrate. The slightest noise or movement will cause you to jump. I came so close to pulling down the blog as that was a major source of my paranoia. I just feel I reveal and share too much for my own good most days. It is a by product of my mental illness. I also got in an email tussle with The Homeless Guy and that didn’t help my mind as well. That guy is dangerous when you back him into a corner like a caged animal. I am actually scared of him and it takes a lot for me to get scared. At the time, I wasn’t feeling well mentally and wasn’t adequately able to defend myself and make concise arguments which left me feeling naked. If I know what is good for me, I should give that guy a wide berth from now on. I wonder if it takes being homeless or formerly homeless to realize just how full of shit that guy really is.
Yesterday evening, I just walked once again. I made my way through my neighborhood under the stark glow of the street lamps thinking. My mind had finally calmed down enough to give me some peace. When I get like I did yesterday, I actually have a hard time remembering what I did and what happened. I kept thinking Ferret had come over last night wanting some things. I walked by Monte’s house and Ferret was thoroughly confused by my line of questioning about his visit yesterday. To me, it was vividly real. It never happened. It can get bad when your reality and the rest of world’s reality doesn’t jibe.
I am once again up in the wee hours of the morning and can’t sleep. I think I only slept around three hours. I really need to get to the doctor to see about getting prescribed a sleep aid. I just hate to add another pill to the cocktail I currently take. My Risperdal Consta (anti-psychotic) costs over $1000 a month alone. I wish I could crawl into my soft bed and sleep for days.
3 comments:
That part about revealing too much I can understand. I undergo that all the time, though most times i manage to keep it in check with an (awful) internal editor. Do you remember that time I actually asked you if you had a problem with my reading and commenting? I fretted and worried and fretted some more till I worked up the courage to ask. What I realise now is that most people are going to forget what you've written, so you may as well write.
That homeless guy person seems completely avoidable. No- I haven't read him and I don't wish to.
I'm sorry it was such a bad day. It's a new one now. Your friends are back, reading you. If you asked us if you reveal too much, we'd say no way. Please don't stop. You support us so much. I hope you take a nap, then talk to your doctor about what's going on. I'll check back with you later.
Get some rest soon my friend.
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