`“Your father is not going to let you hike that long trail this summer,” My mother told me on the phone last night. “What trail is it again and for how long?”
“The Appalachian Trail, mom, and it is 2159 miles long,” I replied.
“I told him about us talking about it the other day and he said we wouldn’t be able to manage your medications,” Mom told me. “He said you wouldn’t take your Risperdal like you should. He said it was just some weird pipe dream you were having and that it would pass.”
I sighed. It seems my father is one of the biggest obstacles for me living life sometimes. He means well, but can be so controlling and overbearing. He is so overprotective of me and my mother and our illnesses. He is afraid that the calm status quo that is our lives these days will be interrupted.
“Well, I am 34 years old and can make those decisions for myself,” I replied.
“Don’t you let him hear you say that!” Mom exclaimed. “That would just make him so angry. He would be outdone with you for weeks.”
“What do you think about it?” I asked her.
“I would like to see you be able to do something like that,” She said. “I know how much it means to you and you got so excited when we talked about it the other day. I haven’t seen you like that in a long time. I will just mail you your medications every month.”
“Well, at least I have one parent on my side,” I replied. “I love you mom, you know that?”
“I love you too son and just want you to be happy. It wouldn’t hurt to try and if you have problems with your illness we can come and pick you up. Your father drove across the country to San Diego for you brother. Surely, he can drive up the east coast for you if you need him.”
We told each other good night and that we loved each other again and hung up the phone.
I laid in the bed for a long time last night trying to go to sleep fretting over this conundrum. How am I doing to convince my father that this is a worthy goal and that I will take my Risperdal in pill form while I am on the trail? I have a long winter ahead to convince him I finally concluded and drifted off to sleep. I definitely have something to talk to my therapist about next Thursday.
14 comments:
Andrew,
I found you searched for blogs on Schizophrenia with blogger search. I was so happy to find someone else who was writing about this delimna we are in. I feel so alone sometimes with no one to talk to and am homebound most days. I can’t drive due to my paranoie and am dependent upon my family. Would be okay to email you? I wanted to asked first. I want to find out more about your experiences with schizophrenia. I am diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic.
Kim
Kim,
Please do email me. I will send you an invite for Google chat and we can chat when you need someone to talk to. I know that feeling of loneliness well. Our illnesses tend to cause us to be introverts and social pariahs. I am always here if you need a friend. And I, too, was at a point in my life that I couldn’t drive due to my illness and an accident and was dependent upon my mother to get around so I understand your predicament completely. My diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia as well.
Your new friend,
Andrew
As you said, you have some time in front of you before the hike to prove to your father how much this means to you. Plung forward I say!!!
How am I doing to convince my father that this is a worthy goal and that I will take my Risperdal in pill form while I am on the trail?
If I was approaching this question for myself I think I'd ask myself, what will happen if I don't? That is, what if you don't convince your father? What if you don't go on that hike? What if you don't take your Risperdal in pill form?
I've found that the best questions are often the questions that are hiding behind other questions.
If it was up to me though, I'd definitely vote for hiking. It seems to sustain something within you and I'd wager that it's every bit as helpful as the Risperdal.
"I blog the road of life"--right said in your profile.
--RAJ
http://infostall.blogspot.com/
Sir:
"Won't let you."?!?!?!?!?!?!
[sigh]
It is not his decision to "let" or "not let" you do this. It is your decision, based upon what you feel is best for you, for your family and for your goals.
One way to perhaps go about this convincing process... for yourself (and indirectly for your father), would be to switch to the pill form now and prove to yourself (and indirectly to your father) that you can be careful, consistent, and accurate in taking the medication this way... come hell or high water so to speak.
What I mean by this, is just go about day-to-day life... with its trials and tribulations... happy times and sad times... sober times and perhaps occasional drinking times... hiking times and non-hiking times... good times with Carolyn and not-so-good times with Carolyn, etc, etc.... and build up proof for yourself that when times get tough (as they will at least occasionally on the trail), you can rely upon yourself to take your medicine without being governed to or without fail for the next several months. Make it a mission of sorts to have 100% accuracy with medication and ingestion times, and in that way you will develop the habit that will be stronger than any sort of rough spot along the trail and keep yourself healthy, fit, and in shape in the process to give you the success in this grand adventure.
PipeTobacco
I know Pipe. I second your sigh. It is so frustrating, but I will give Dad this: He bought me a home and I will never be homeless again. I feel kind of beholden to him about that fact so must tread carefully about this. My previous "bull in a china shop" attempts at bucking his wishes didn't go so well. He is the most stubborn son of a bitch I know and I still love him to death.
Hi Andrew,
Just wanted to say, thanks for your blog. Its wonderful reading, and i particularly like the Thoreau quotes! Keep up the good work!!
I echo lenbot's thoughts - I just started reading your blog this week and thoroughly enjoy it. I occassionaly surf through "next blog" but have never bookmarked one - except yours! I agree that you should do the hike but no one is bringing up the next biggest issue if you decide to go.....what will we do without the daily 4th Avenue Blues updates???? :o)
Humour him and ask him to join you if he has a major problem with it! Maybe that way he will back off, or join in your adventure!!
Have a great day,
Sue
p.s. I have left you another comment in your "Finding Equilibrium" post.. just some food for thought!
I'm sure in the 21st century there's a way to take a walk and take medication at the same time. Go gently with Dad, he loves you and he worries about you. I think I'd try to involve him, he may feel he has a bit of control then. Sounds like he needs a bit of control to feel OK about things.
I'm with celerman. Being from a family of mental illness, I can understand his need to try and control his world. His fear of losing you or seeing you suffer is driving this, most likely. Unfortunately, that is going to be up to him to work out. All you can do is let him know you're going to do your best to stay healthy and help him understand how important this journey is to you. He can't ask for more than that, and he's going to have to let go and trust. Good luck!
I heard a good commentary on NPR radio this afternoon. I can't remember the exact words, but he said something like you plan for your vacation, but the journey never goes exactly as planned. This doesn't mean you don't take the vacation, you just enjoy the trip as it happens.
Planning is important in life, but no matter what we do, life has its own plans for us!!
You could sit at home and do nothing and be no more safe than if you go on the hike! I wish your dad could understand this!!
Andrew, I ceratainly support you. I'm have a son your age who has had some mental health problems. I would certainly support his doing the AT.
I do understand your dad's concerns, but maybe you could show him that you remember to take the Risperdal in pill form for a period of time before you hike. Perhaps that would reassure him of your ability to care for your mental health on the trail.
You might also want him to learn more about the trail experience. Have him read some of the journals at trailjournals.com
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