I didn’t want to go to AA tonight and they say in AA that’s when you need to go the most. I have been completely engrossed by the Internet these past two days. It was the 7pm clubhouse meeting in town with all the cranky old timers. The 8pm meeting in Lagrange is just too late for me including the hour drive on top of an hour meeting. I had to remind myself of that important saying in AA: principles over personalities – to not let those cranky old stodgy men to turn me away from something that is so vitally important to me.
I walked through my neighborhood feeling kind of panicky. I passed the First Baptist Church and sat on the front steps for a few moments to rest and smoke. Could I make it? I was certainly giving it my best try having walked so far. The AA meeting hall was just down the road and it was 6:50pm.
I sat in the very back of the room and just listened not choosing to share tonight. They went around the room and when it got my time to share, I said, “I’m Andrew and I’m an alcoholic. My higher power told me it was best I shut up and listen tonight. Thank you.”
A few men chuckled.
“I would get so drunk I wouldn’t remember how I got somewhere,” one shaky looking unshaven fellow then said during his turn to share after me. “My car would be outside and I couldn’t remember driving. It would scare the shit outta me. I realized then I had a problem. They put me in treatment for two weeks and I ended up here afterwards.”
I knew I had a problem from an early age. My first drink was probably around the age of eleven or twelve and I drank two bottles of wine. The very first time I drank I got drunk. I thought it was the best thing I had ever felt – it was the most intoxicating and titillating experience in my life figuratively and literally. I would even drink cooking sherry as a child to get drunk and you all know how salty that stuff is. It is amazing I got through high school without more problems than I had. There is a long history of addiction on both sides of the family and it seems to have genetically amalgamated in me. It is a sad shame really. I had so much promise and talent as a singer and piano player. Drinking took that away and gave me back a completely different life – a life I have chosen to no longer live. It’s really liberating to finally realize you have a choice and you don’t have to be a drunk anymore.
Good night dear friends. I am headed to bed early with my Maggie and my fan blowing the cool evening air on me. Dad will be here soon enough with medications.
6 comments:
Good night, Andrew. I know what you mean about some of those meetings. I remember sitting in one where they were complaining about cars breaking down...or their job. Well, at the time I was in rehab with the clothes on my back. I didn't want to hear that. I'm glad you went in and listened, though. There's always something that you can get from someone else.
Mary
I'm glad you went too. I would think the meetings put everyone on a pretty level playing field. I hope you felt better after you left. Too bad Lagrange is So far away.
You are accomplishing more and more each day. A year or 2 ago could you see yourself doing all you are bow? It amazes me and I am thankful for it.
I, too, am thankful for how well you are doing. My Gratitude Attitude for today:
That Andrew is seeing things clearly for himself and making some wonderful decisions
That Maggie loves without any barriers
That I get to enjoy this blog every day and don't have to pay one cent for it
That Andrew is my friend!
Love ya,
Grannie
I was always told that you don't always get what you came for, but you always get what you need. And I found that true every time, even with meetings I didn't much like. Someone would have a nugget to share that stayed with me, clarified something for me, or made me grateful for my own circumstances.
Yep. I suppose you could say I would be one of those cranky oldtimers. This year, God willing, I will have 28 years, accomplished one day at a time.
Surprised?
I'm a drunk, and a schizophrenic also. Reading 3 or 4 years now. I love you .
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